To my children

This is probably not an easy letter to write but it's one that has been waiting to be written for a while now and I hope it helps you to understand just where my head is and how I am feeling.
As a Mum I don't think I can be prouder of my children and all you have achieved or love you any more than I do. You are my everything and have been my reason to keep going for so long now. Without you all I simply would not be alive now.
However I've noticed lately that there has been a change in how I feel about staying alive to save you the pain and heart ache of losing me. A couple of times recently you have all commented about how my mental health affects you. Laura, you invited me on holiday to meet Anthony's family earlier this year and then cancelled those plans as you were not sure how his family would cope if I was not well. Megan, you said that you would not be able to follow your dreams and career opportunities as you were obliged to be around for me as I don't cope very well when you leave and that you would have to stay in Nottingham even though you don't want to and Adam, you have been distant and I hardly hear from you. You said you can't cope when I'm not well.
So my poor mental health is having an impact on your aspirations, relationships and how you live your lives. I am simply not the Mum that you really want to have around and I let you down. I hate it that you all worry about me and that you feel that you should miss opportunities so you can be there for me. It makes me feel that I let you down.
My life hurts and I just feel empty and numb. Giving in has never been the answer while I had all of you to think about but you have your own lives now and really don't need me. I can't think of one good thing (apart from Christmas and Birthday presents) that I bring to your lives. I cause you pain and heartache.
The thought of being still with no racing thoughts, self hatred and overwhelming feelings of helplessness just seems to be the right answer. I am not abandoning you but I'm giving you the chance to live your lives without a Mum who holds you back and hurts you. I want to be free of my pain and be at peace. It is the best thing for me and you all of you.
You know that I love you and have sacrificed so much so that you have the best start in life that you can, well now is your time to keep going and to be happy and successful. I am no longer a good part of your lives

Crisis team yet again

I had a bad experience ringing the crisis team last week and now I'm feeling scared to ring them but know I probably need to.
Last week when I was really struggling and on alert with the team I got the response "you have been told to stop using services so much and to start taking responsibility for your own actions" which shocked me as I had been told to ring for support whenever I needed to.
Sometimes people don't realise just how much their words can affect you - I feel frightened to ring but know I have got to the stage where I'm likely to hurt myself.
I disassociated earlier and found myself downstairs but can't remember getting there. I feel unsettled and agitated. Talking to someone will ground me and help me to settle and probably sleep - why is everything so complicated?

Still fighting

Had a bad weekend and ended up curling up in bed. Sometimes that is the safest way to give in.
I've used the crisis team once in 2 weeks after being spoken to so badly. I really hate ringing them now but I do need support to ground myself in the night.
I finally sent off another application for Persinal Independence Payment so will have to see how that goes. My friend Kathy helped me and she gets it. I had to write what it is like on my worse day which was very triggering. Not looking forward to the assessment.
My abscess is still sore and last week I had to go to A& E to get it looked at. They gave me gas and air to repack it. Now it needs doing again and I guess I just need to sort it myself as usual.
I'm trying to keep busy and to go out and about but it isn't easy when you feel like rubbish. My new puppy is helping to get me out on her walks.
My cpn is off for 2 weeks now so nothing will happen in terms of going for therapy but I just give in.