Sunday, 29 September 2013

Tuesday, 24 September 2013


Today I was supposed to be seeing my cpn at 12.30. I had altered my work schedule so I could see her and had so much I wanted to talk about. I'm supposed to see her every week but haven't seen her since July. At 12.00 she rang and left a message on my phone saying that she couldn't see me as she had to go. No explanation of where or why or even an apology.
I felt really upset and let down. I've been struggling lately and don't have anyone I can really talk to about it all. It's good to be able to be honest and say out loud how much I'm struggling and how frightened and overwhelmed I feel at times. Sharing my suicidal thoughts and impulses can be a release for me and I know my cpn won't be freaked out but will understand and help me to explore how I'm feeling. I need that to just try and help me keep going and keep my head up.
I went to the hospital this afternoon and saw the consultant about my neck. I have a mass in my neck that has got to be removed fairly quickly. That is scary as I don't really want my neck cutting open or a general anaesthetic. My half term holiday will probably be spent in stupid hospital.
So all in all not a good day, so lets hope it's a better night.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Feeling numb

Another week over and a busy week ahead. I'm just feeling kind of numb and exhausted. I haven't even rang the night crisis team this week as I just haven't got the energy to even begin to explain to someone how I am feeling and what is going on. It's nothing new anyway - same old crap.
My manager said that 30% of our team are going to be made redundant but I'm not even going to start worrying as what will be will be. I just hope I don't have to reapply for my job and have to be interviewed etc.
It's not like me to feel so low and empty - it's like I've got nothing left except to give in.
I'm not going to do that though as he is not going to win.

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Trying to keep going

This week has been a hard one. I've doubled the sertraline to 100mg but its just not helping. My agitation is worse and I wake to feeling a horrible knot in my stomach, with that terrible feeling of dread. I am forcing myself to keep going but it would be so easy to stay in bed and hide under my duvet.
Nights are so hard and I haven't been coping very well. I've been going off out in my car in the middle of the night, just to get away from the temptation to hurt myself. I curl up on the back seat and just cry. When I am in bed my nightmares are vivid and relentless and I'm tired of having to clean my bedding and sort myself out. Why can't I just be normal and sleep at night?
Work has been hard and the threat of redundancy is hanging over me for the fourth year running. There is only so much I can take. How do I keep smiling and pretending I'm ok?
I spoke to my cpn today and am seeing her next week. I know she can't change anything but it helps to be able to talk things through.
This week I've got to go to a training day on Saturday so I'm only getting one day off and I'm so tired.
I decided that I need to be kind to myself and do something for me, so today I had my eyebrows waxed and threaded - ouch, it hurt! I looked like a red panda. Then I treated myself to a new top and some malt loaf.
Am going to have an early night and try to sleep. I need to stop going off in my car as its cold and not very safe.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Crap night

Had a really bad night last night. Woke up crying and shaking at about 2.30am and just couldn't ground myself. I could hear him and smell him and it just got louder and louder. Even in the shower I could still smell his sweaty body.
I finally rang the night crisis team after a couple of hours on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball. I was in the house on my own and too scared to move. I haven't self harmed for a while and just couldn't trust myself to move. My head was like a washing machine, thoughts whirring round and round.
Glen calmed me down and got me back into the bedroom but I couldn't go near my bed. Instead I curled up on the settee. I would be so lost without the night crisis team. He was so calm and supportive.
Today I feel tearful. I'm trying to keep busy and have been cleaning. I need to keep distracted until my daughters come home later.
I have to tell myself that I can do this.

Saturday, 14 September 2013

On my own :-(

I'm on my own this weekend and not feeling too brill. I know I've got to get used to being on my own as my youngest daughter will be off to uni next year. I just feel so lonely and am so used to being a busy Mum that now my children have grown up I don't know who I am any more. What do I do and where do I go when I'm on my own? I can't just walk in somewhere on my own.
I'm struggling for money at the moment and don't have any spare cash for me - don't get paid till next week and don't know how I'm going to buy food till then.
I just feel like crying tonight. I'm just a sad, ugly, lonely person and its crap. It's my daughters 22nd birthday tomorrow and for the first time ever she is away and I won't see her but its her life and I have to let her fly.
Wallowing in self pity will not help me and I've got to try and keep smiling but it's not easy. I wish I had a zopiclone so I can just knock myself out and sleep till Monday.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Personal Independence Payment

I applied for Personal Independence Payment in June and this morning a lady came to see me to gather further information about my claim. She was really nice and I didn't feel rushed but it is so hard telling yet another person how much I struggle and what I go through most days.
When she read my statement back to me I felt so dirty and pathetic. I wish I was stronger and could deal with all this better.
I'm still feeling rough with the new medication and am not sleeping much which is making me exhausted. I haven't had a bad nightmare for a few nights but desperately need a nights sleep.
I went to a support group today and met other people who have suffered trauma. It's good to know that I'm not the only one. My therapist is retiring and is having some time off but I should see him in November. He was talking about looking for a residential retreat that I could go to and that sounds really promising.
Work is going ok but I'm really busy and finding it hard when I'm so tired all the time. I'm going to try and relax this weekend.
I was supposed to go to join a rock choir tonight but I'm too tired and don't really feel like socialising. Maybe I will go next week, I know I need to start going out more but I just find it really hard.

Sunday, 8 September 2013


I woke up this morning feeling really unsettled with butterflies in my stomach. I stayed in bed a while and really vivid suicidal thoughts and plans invaded my head. I hate it when I feel like that. I wondered whether the medication has made my suicidal thoughts worse and did think about ringing the crisis team but kind of knew that they couldn't help me. I felt that a bad call would just set me back and not necessarily be helpful. It would be good to have someone to talk to when I feel like that as I get so overwhelmed and scared that my impulsivity will take over.
My daughter and I went to visit a gym and I cycled 1.5 miles, used the rowing machine and cross runner, then I swam 20 lengths. Afterwards I felt so much better until I was told that it was £60 a month to join the gym! I need to find a cheaper one.
I have lost 5lbs this week so far and have not had any chocolate for 8 days! I think I will feel much better if I am able to lose more weight and exercise more.
Tomorrow I am back at the hospital to have a needle biopsy of my neck - yuk! I'm not looking forward to that but do want my neck sorting out.
Hopefully tonight will be better after all today's exercise.

Saturday, 7 September 2013


It's 3 days since I started taking 50mg of sertraline. I feel so sick and my head is muggy - I'm not sure I like how I'm feeling. It's certainly not making me feel any better. Yesterday when I came home from work I had to go to bed for an hour. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
On a good note I'm not feeling very hungry at all and haven't eaten much so maybe I will lose some weight!
Not really sure what to do but maybe I need to keep taking the tablets for a bit longer to see if I feel any different.
Night times are just the same and I'm not sleeping any better.
There must be areas on that I've been prescribed this so I'm sticking with it for a while.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Medication or not?

Am struggling this week. I think that being around more people and being back at work is highlighting that I'm not coping very well. I'm so tired and finding it hard to concentrate. The last 3 nights I haven't slept very much and I'm exhausted. My head feels foggy again. Colleagues only have to look at me funny or say the wrong thing and I'm struggling. I've got butterflies in my stomach and I feel agitated and unsettled.
My work load seems overwhelming and I just don't know where to start. 2 days of intensive meetings have introduced new ways of working, higher expectations and more rigorous monitoring with new targets being set. My manager seems to have forgotten that my workload is heavier than my colleagues and some of the new strategies will be impossible for me. Usually I stand my ground but today I felt numb and just wanted to bury my head. It's like it all washed over me and I don't even know where to start. It is impossible. I don't want to talk to my manager as I think I will cry and just break down and that isn't a good start seeing as redundancies have been mentioned again.
So what can I do? I'm struggling. I have some sertraline that I can begin to take again and I think I might have to. I haven't taken medication for 6 months but recognise I'm not in a good place.
I don't know what else to do and I don't want to lose my job. I can't admit to anyone that I'm struggling and I feel really alone with it all.
My therapy sessions have ended for a while as my therapist has retired.
Taking tablets seems like a backwards step but it just might help - I hope so

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Feeling numb

Struggling a bit right now. I had an appointment yesterday at the Topaz Centre which is attached to a police station. If my husband does come back I wanted to know more about the process of making a statement to the police and getting an injunction to stop him coming near to me.
I feel really unsure about writing or doing a video interview about the rape. I needed to know how specific I needed to be and it seems that I would need to go through it minute by minute - what he did etc. That is so scary and so triggering. It was 12 years ago.
I was told that I would have to be sure and would not be able to say that some details might have been changed by the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. Also the defence would go through my medical records etc with a fine tooth comb and they would try to discredit me.It might not get as far as the crime prosecution service or go to court. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I would go to pieces if they didn't believe me or charge him. I have so much to lose. I don't thinking it is worth putting myself through all that but will wait and see what he does when he finally returns. At least I know more about the process and they said that they could help me.
Last night I just went to pieces and my nightmare was so vivid and loud. Fiona from the crisis team helped to calm me down but it took hours to get back to sleep and it was my first day back at work today. I am so tired. I'm so good at hiding how I am feeling and keeping smiling when inside I'm so numb.
I just hope tonight is better.