Sunday, 17 July 2016

You never stop being a mum

My children are 28. 24 and 20 now and I'm beginning to wonder if there is ever a time when you can stop worrying about them, having to take them to places and don't have to pay for them anymore!
This weekend all I've done is take and pick up my daughter to places and I am so skint that I can't afford food until I get paid on Friday. I still pay for my children's mobile phones - I think something needs to change.
Surely by now I should have some freedom and my money should be mine. I don't think there is ever a time when you are a Mum that you can retire!
My children ring me for advice, always want things and in a lot of ways it's good that they know they can but sometimes I just need a break! 

Saturday, 16 July 2016

Suicidal thoughts

My head is like a washing machine at the moment. So many thoughts racing round and round. It's hard to make sense of them or to comprehend where they come from.
Suicidal thoughts hit me out of the blue throughout the day. When I'm driving my car my head screams to pull out or to drive off the road and I have to scream back 'NO'
In the kitchen the knives shout at me and whenever I pick up a glass I have an urge to smash it and cut myself. Taking tablets or being near the medicine drawer is just so tempting and I have to double check what I'm doing.
I think the hardest one for me at the moment is the fact that I now live nearer to the train station and there are a few train crossings that I either walk over or drive over daily. My mind quickly goes to jumping in front of the train and the troubling thing is that it doesn't frighten me but a strange calm comes over me when I think about ending my life.
In the bath I put my head under the water to wet my hair and had thoughts of staying under and then thought about cutting my wrists.
I'm sure it's not normal to have such intrusive suicidal thoughts and I'm not really sure how honest I should be about it with my cpn or psych. I'm not taking any meds at the moment and wonder if I should but some meds make my suicidal thoughts worse. Plus I am very sensitive to medication and get lots of side effects.
I'm not sure if I want to die or not. I certainly don't want to hurt my family but really think that everyone would be better off without me anyway as I'm so stupid and such a pain. Everyone gets fed up with me especially from the mental health services.
I rang the crisis team last night when I was struggling and was told I shouldn't ring so often and should take more responsibility for my own actions. The fact that I was struggling and couldn't breathe after a bad nightmare and wet bed didn't seem to make a difference. I felt like a naughty school girl being told off for asking for help. No one listened to me as a child so why should they now. That kind of approach is very triggering for me. Let's hope I don't need to ring tonight.

Friday, 15 July 2016

Why keep fighting?

I saw my cpn and psychiatrist today and they have changed their mind about me going to Khiron House. All of a sudden they want me to go to The Retreat in York and would not listen when I explained why I couldn't go there. It is a 10 month program and I am a teacher and go to work. There is no way I can leave my job for 10 months. I could probably get unpaid leave but how do I pay my mortgage and other outgoings? It is just not realistic for me at all.
I tried to explain why I wanted to go to Khiron ?House. How I liked the program and the fact that there are a smaller number of patients. It is entirely trauma based which is what I need.
The main concern is my safety at night but my safety is no different there to at home. How come it is ok for me to be on my own at home. I don't get any extra support.
I think that if I am getting support during the day then my nights might be better anyway. It is worth a try.
However it seems that it is not to be and that is a shame. I don't know of any other places that I can go to that would help and enable me to keep my job. I really don't know why I bother to keep fighting. It's just not worth it

Monday, 11 July 2016

Good news

Two lots of good news today. I finally heard from Khiron House in Oxfordshire and I have definitely got a place for some trauma therapy. I just need to wait for a bed to be available in a single room. I am nervous but so excited. I have fought for this for over two years and can't really believe that I might actually go there. Hopefully I might get the help I need to move on with my life.
Then I heard from a book publishers. I wrote my story for a book called Runaway Husbands and out of hundreds of stories mine has been chosen to be published. I will post a copy when I have the final edited version. If my story can help someone else going through what I have then that has to be a good thing

Saturday, 9 July 2016

Double trouble

Woke up this morning to 2 dogs on my bed and my daughter had cooked breakfast - I am so lucky

Friday, 8 July 2016

A bit of joy

I have a new puppy called Lola who has brought such joy into my life. I'm hoping to train her to be an assistance dog one day as she is so smart