Sunday, 31 May 2015

Night crisis team

Am in such a bad place and have just got off the phone to the crisis team. Aargh I just feel like screaming, what bit of "help I'm struggling" don't you understand
I've cut my wrist and I'm bleeding but have no recollection of doing so, I'm scared and frightened. I can't look after me right now. I'm not safe. Please listen to me
How many times do I ask for help? Not many but I know when I'm struggling. I know when I've reached the edge. I know when enough is enough and I need help.
I'm trying to write this to ground myself and to try and calm down but as I type I'm shaking, crying and I can't breathe. What can I do? Where can I go?
I feel so alone and scared. Inside I'm just hurting so much and there's no one to help me make it stop. I am not stupid, I know there is not much you can do but maybe try listening and acknowledging what I'm saying. Try showing me that you care and want to help. Stay with me for a few minutes to calm my breathing. Talk through my coping. I can't do this on my own, my head is all over the place and is screaming for me to run. Running is not safe. When I run I disassociate and anything can happen but how do I just stay here? I try to tell myself I can do this, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. Come on, keep going, you can do this.
Why let him win? This is so hard and I need help. Please help me.

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Crisis over

I think the prazosin is helping and last months crisis is finally over for now. I'm sleeping a lot better although the meds do make me feel a bit groggy in the mornings.
I had a B12 injection last week and already feel like I have more energy. I managed to get loads done in the garden yesterday and am hoping to do some housework today.
I still get moments where I just feel really low and know I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm trying to stay around people and keep busy. I've knitted some lovely cardigans for friends babies that are due soon and it makes me happy to be able to give them to them.
I have an abscess on my wrist from where I cut myself. It finally burst last night and is looking a lot better this morning. I have dressed it and am keeping it clean. I'm trying to not use antibiotics if I can help it. I've had so many recently.
This week I have another trauma therapy session. Last weeks was probably the worse session I have ever had. We tried to tackle some pretty traumatic flashbacks and it just got too much. I was so upset and couldn't breathe. My therapist got me a drink of water and it was obvious that he just didn't know what to do. My skin crawled and I couldn't stay still. I paced up and down his office and cried. Now I feel so stupid! This week I think we need to take it much slower and maybe concentrate on positives. The images in my head just get so loud and vivid and I can't deal with them. The EMDR is supposed to give me a tool to tackle those images but I have learnt that you can't force it and you have to be ready. Smaller steps forward are better sometimes. I'm nervous about this week but know I need to keep going.
So it's back to work tomorrow and hopefully this week will be better

Monday, 25 May 2015


Have finally started taking my new medication. After years of research I have prazosin and although I can't talk about a miracle yet my nightmares have been easier to deal with and I have been falling asleep a lot quicker after waking up in a mess
My blood pressure has been low but I've not been dizzy after getting up. My GP is checking it tomorrow.
Not sure where I am in my head right now. Calmer than last week I think but still all over the place. I have a session with my therapist tomorrow and we are going to deal with some crazy issues. I know it will be hard but I've hot to go there in order to move on. Just hope I don't disassociate as I will be very embarrassed.
Better try to get some sleep

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Crisis House

Have been in a crisis house for the past 5 nights. I'm just not coping very well at all. Nightmares are impossible and my self harm is bad. Yesterday I got out onto the road at 7am in my pyjamas which was really scary. So tonight they have locked me in!
It scares me when I disassociate and don't know where I am. My skin crawls and the images are so vivid and in my face. 
I've finally got my new meds prazosin but can't start taking them properly till next week as my blood pressure is low. It's so frustrating.
Back home tomorrow which will be nice 

Sunday, 10 May 2015


My psychiatrist decided that I should start taking 25mg of quetiapine at night to help me sleep and maybe stop my nightmares.
I started taking it a week ago and it is a bloody nightmare. I get off to sleep really quickly but am waking up about 4am in an absolute mess. I just can't get myself out of the nightmare. Images stay with me and everything is so bright and vivid. I just can't ground myself and am disassociating.
I stabbed myself badly in the stomach and ended up at A&E where I had to have a CT scan and be stitched up.
During the day I don't feel safe. My head is all over the place. Thoughts of hanging myself are never far away and I'm not eating or looking after myself at all.
I have rang my MHT, the crisis team and seen my GP but they are not listening to how frightened I am and how unsafe I feel.
What do I have to do to get some help?
In reality I know there isn't much they can do. I don't want to be locked up. I need to stay at work but I'm struggling and feeling alone with it all.
Should I stop taking the quetiapine? Should I try to ride it out with hopes it will improve? I just don't know what to do.
I do know that right now I just want to curl up and die.