Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Stitches :-(

I am going to have my stitches out tomorrow. I am really dreading it as my wound is very sore and infected. I know that it is going to be very painful and the nurse won't be happy that I haven't been to the GP to get some antibiotics but I haven't been out of the house.
I can't remember the last time I got dressed - probably last Wednesday. I just feel empty and numb and I give in. I haven't rang my cpn or the crisis team as they can't help me, no one can. I am just stupid and let everyone down.
I don't know how to get myself out of this dark place and I need to get back to work. However I've just got to get through tomorrow first.

Thursday, 24 October 2013

Trip to A&E

Can't believe that I ended up at A&E again. I have been struggling for a few weeks and asking for help but just get told to go to bed which is no help at all.
On Tuesday night I just snapped after yet another nightmare. Yet again I ended up in the kitchen and just stabbed myself with a kitchen knife. I ended up having a ct scan at the hospital and 15 stitches.
I saw the psych team and they wanted me to stay in hospital. I didn't really care either way but just felt numb and frightened to go home. However there weren't any beds available so they told me to go home.
I am so frightened of what I'm capable of - one of these times I might kill myself with my impulsive acts. This time my self harm was the worse ever and I just don't know who to turn to. No one has rang me from my MH team. It's like they don't care but why should they really?
Going to just keep my head under my pillow and try and keep myself safe. I've got to try and keep going.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

Lamotrigine rash

I have just upped my lamotrigine to 50mg and I have a rash on my neck and face and my eyes are sore. Looking on google it says that a rash can be serious with lamotrigine and even fatal! Ahhhh scary!
Not really sure what to do or if it will be ok to leave it till Monday and then see my gp. Will see how it goes. Typical for me to get it!

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Need help!

I'm struggling again. I've tried to ring my cpn 4 times today and the receptionist just says she will ring me back but I know she won't. She will ring me at 4pm on Friday like she always does when I've tried to contact her. I don't ring her very often so she should know that there is something wrong.
It makes me so angry, I don't expect her to drop everything and call me as I know that she is busy and has other patients but when you're struggling you need help and advice sooner rather than later and I wish I could just talk to the duty team and not just her. I get no benefit from having a care co-ordinator.
I spoke to my GP yesterday and she upped my sertraline to 200mg and gave me more lorazepam. She signed me off work for this week which doesn't really help me but I'm not in a good place to be at work. Night times are horrible and I'm struggling to get out of the house. I just shake and cry. I'm frightened of getting stuck in my car again. My GP told me to try and get out a little bit this week starting with short walks but I shake at the door. I really need some help. I'm ashamed to tell my family how I'm struggling and need to get back to work quickly. My life sucks.

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Stuck in the car

I left work on Friday and got in my car at 5pm. I'm not sure what it was, a song or the car that drove really close behind me but I started shaking and couldn't breathe. I pulled up at the side of the road and just couldn't move. The next I really remember it was 11.30pm and I was so cold. I rang the night crisis team and Fiona said she was busy and she would ring me back in 10 mins. It took her over an hour to get back to me and by that time I was just in tears and really frightened.
I spoke to her for a few minutes and said that I would try to get home. It took me another hour to get home, so it took me over 8 hours to get home from work.
I was so shaken and exhausted that I have spent the weekend mainly in bed. I haven't got dressed. I'm frightened to go to work tomorrow.
To top all that my husband has changed his current city on Facebook to Nottingham. That is so scary, I can't cope with him living in the same country as me, never mind the same city. I haven't been able to find out whether it is true or not , I'm too scared of the impact it will have if I knew he was down the road.
So I'm feeling very unsettled but I've managed to keep myself safe and haven't self harmed for weeks. I need to ring my GP back tomorrow as I was too busy on Friday - I'm not sure she can help me.

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Lamotrigine and Lorazepam

Having a bad week and still struggling. My GP prescribed me lamotrigine and gave me 4 lorazepam tablets to help calm me down in the middle of the night.
It is so difficult as they really help me and calm me down so I can get back to sleep but then I get to rely on them and have trouble getting any more. I have to talk to my GP on Friday and I don't want to beg for more lorazepam but I don't want to face the weekend without any. It is a slippery slope and I feel like a junkie begging for meds.
I lost 2lbs today on my diet and should be really proud of myself but I'm just craving chocolate lol and I'm so hungry. Am going to try and keep going with it. I swam 50 lengths again today.
I really don't know where to go for help and could probably do with more time off work - I had to take a day off on Monday as I was exhausted but I used my annual leave. I shouldn't have to do that.
I will ring my CPN tomorrow and see what she says.

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Crisis Team

I'm so cross with myself that I had to ring the crisis team today. I hate it when I get to a place that I know I'm not safe and I have to talk to someone to stop me doing something really stupid.
I've had 2 really bad nights with nightmares and soiled beds. I just couldn't calm down and could hear his voice so loudly. This morning I went swimming to try and calm down. However I felt just as unsettled after the swim.
Then I tried to go shopping to get some food for tonight as all my children were coming home for a roast dinner. I just froze in the shop. I felt that someone was behind me and could hear him so loudly. I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out.
I had to come home without any food and just cried. I was so angry with myself and picked up some scissors to hurt myself.
Instead of hurting myself I rang the crisis team and they calmed me down and we talked about how I could still provide a meal. Ordering a pizza is ok and not a sign of failure. Sometimes I just can't do it.
So I went to bed and slept I was so tired. When my children came home thy were fine about getting a pizza and we had a lovely night watching the X factor.
I need to learn to not be too hard on myself. I was exhausted and needed sleep and feel much calmer now.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Biggest loser :-)

Well it was weigh in time yesterday and I lost 61/2lbs. I was so happy and lost the most in the group. I have just got to keep going and it's nice to know that I can eat quite well and still lose weight. In the past I have lost lots of weight by not eating but just end up putting it back on again and more!
I had a bad night last night and really struggled to get out of bed this morning. I went through every reason that I could take a day off work from taking an annual leave day or ringing in sick. In the end I went to work but at lunch time I felt really light headed and not well at all so I came home and went to bed. Maybe I need to listen to my body more as it was trying to tell me this morning that things aren't right. I'm not sure why I'm not feeling well. I just feel weak and I ache. Maybe I'm coming down with something.
My daughter has gone out to netball and is bringing me a McDonald's smoothie back with her - a few weeks go it would have been a Big Mac!
I'm hoping tonight will be better and I feel ok tomorrow as I am running a language lead network with a speech therapist and I don't want to let her down.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

CPN again

I finally saw my cpn today. I hadn't seen her for months. The last couple of nights have been particularly bad and I have cut my wrist. I hate it when I lose it so much that I self harm and it makes me feel really frightened. It just seems that I forget all my coping strategies in the night.
After talking to my cpn she said that she will refer me to a distress tolerance course but not until the new year. Not really sure how that will help me right now!
I explained how I've been hearing his voice really loudly at night and sometimes during the day and she said that it is normal after trauma. I find it overwhelming and don't cope very well at all. Sometimes I think I'm going mad when I hear his voice.
Sometimes I feel more unsettled when I've seen someone and talked about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic, like I should be stronger. I don't understand why I don't get any better. I try so hard to keep going and I want to be rid of this nightmare.