Sunday, 25 October 2015

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Crisis House again

This week I have been in a crisis house in order to keep myself safe
It has been a hard week and often very triggering but it has also reminded me of the good things I have in my life 
Being in a house like this with 5 other people is not easy. Chaos rules and it's hard not to go along with it
2 people took large overdoses and 2 people self harmed in front of me and that is hard to deal with when your head is everywhere and you are not sleeping.
The staff have been very supportive and helpful and it's been difficult when I have had nightmare after nightmare and wet beds every night. It is embarrassing and triggering. They have got used to me though and can calm me down quite quickly.
When I look at the other people here none of them work and they rely heavily on services. I think I would lose hope - why bother getting out of bed? They have been surprised that I still manage to work but for me there is no alternative. Without my job I would give in and without my family and friends I would have nothing and I really appreciate them all and the support they have given me recently. I keep going because of their love and care.
I'm going home later and that is scary. Nights are still hard and I worry about keeping myself safe. Hopefully the crisis team are going to visit and will be able to check I'm looking after myself and have made my house safer.
There have been lots of tears this week and it has been hard but hopefully I can move forward

So true right now

Tuesday, 6 October 2015

Crap day :-(

Had a really bad night last night and didn't have a lot of sleep. Curled up on the bathroom floor for hours and it was bloody cold.
I had to go for another cystoscopy today and really wasn't looking forward to it. I thought I had to go to have a biopsy as the last test showed an area of abnormality. I was so anxious and sat in the waiting room shaking. When I got into the room it was a foreign, male doctor going to do the procedure and I just fell apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. The doctor was so lovely and explained that they just needed another look in my bladder to check what they had found. They weren't going to do the biopsy today after all. He could see how upset I was and looked at the report from last time. Luckily (well not sure if it is really) he decided that he didn't need to look again and scheduled an operation for a few weeks time to do the biopsy and anything else that needs doing under anesthetic. I suppose I just need to cross that bridge when I get there.
I got back to my car and was so upset. I felt so stupid and pathetic but I just couldn't do it. I felt ashamed that the nurses and doctor saw what a state I was in but they were really supportive. My skin crawled and it took me ages to calm down enough to be able to drive.
Tonight I feel unsettled and agitated. PTSD really does have such an impact on your life and its hard to deal with. Trying hard to stay safe and keep going but days like today make it hard.

Saturday, 3 October 2015

Little things

Writing this to try and distract myself. I'm having a crap day after a night with very little sleep.
I went out of my house and the door closed behind me before I had time to remember my key! So I had to climb on the wheelie bin next to the side gate and then climb over the gate. Luckily the back door wasn't locked or I would have been in trouble.
Then I went to have my hair cut and popped to Sainsburys to buy some milk. Walking home I realised that I had left my mobile phone next to the till. I ran back but it had gone.
I went home and rang my phone and a random man answered the phone. He said he had picked it up in Sainsburys. I met him and got my phone back - I guess I was lucky that I tried to ring it and he answered.
So now I'm feeling agitated. I am going to a charity ball tonight with some people that I haven't seen for a long time - nervous. With the day I'm having my dress will rip or something stupid happen. Wish I could just go to bed and hide.

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Trying hard not to give up

Kind of given in today and for the first time in a long time I didn't manage to go to work. I had a hard day yesterday after seeing my CPN and writing a crisis plan I just felt really unsettled.
Had the worse night I've had in ages and spent most of it curled up on the bathroom floor just paralyzed with fear. I could hear him, smell him, feel him and my skin crawled. The dim light in the bathroom was just so bright and the house noises loud and intrusive.
The night before I lost it and wrapped the cord from my vacuum cleaner round my neck and tried to trap the cord over the door All that happened was that I ended up with a sore neck and was traumatized by the fact that I'd gone there
This morning I froze in my bedroom I just couldn't go downstairs - in my head I just saw the vacuum cleaner and convinced myself that I was going to kill myself.
Eventually I rang the MHT and my CPN rang me straight back which is not like her - apparently I sounded hysterical on the phone when talking to the receptionist!!!
My CPN (who isn't actually my CPN but that is another story!) managed to calm me down and stayed on the phone while I slowly and tentatively went downstairs. I can remember saying 'I'm not going to kill myself am I?' It is so irrational when I look back but was really distressing at the time
I'm going to stay at home today and tomorrow and try to catch up on sleep. My CPN said I can ring the duty worker later but I don't think I will
I need to get some lorazepam but can't be bothered to talk my way past the receptionists. I am seeing the practice nurse later so am hoping she can help.
I am just so tired again and that makes me not think straight Everything is so overwhelming and yet again I don't feel safe. Cutting my wrists has always been a sign that things are not good but the last time I tried to hang myself I ended up in hospital for 3 months
There is still talk about an in-patient program but I won't know much about it until I see my therapist again