Thursday, 29 January 2015

Sunday, 25 January 2015


I'm scared tonight - I have mischief in my head and am feeling agitated and impulsive.
I picked up a knife earlier and ran it over my wrist - I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off!
I haven't got any medication to help and know I can ring the crisis team but in reality what does that change? Nothing - there is nothing they can do to help
Better try to get to sleep, I have an important meeting at work tomorrow
Just wish my head would shut up

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever

Monday, 19 January 2015

So tired

Really tired and fed up tonight. Not sleeping very well at all as nightmares are back so strongly. My skin crawls and I feel really dirty all the time. Can't believe I'm back in this crap place again.
No matter how hard I try and how much I try to keep my head up I can't stop the free fall when I'm struggling. It overwhelms me.
I haven't got any meds anymore and I'm beginning to wonder if that is a good idea. I hate how they make me feel but am frightened in case I get too low and impulsive.
Empty nest syndrome is crap. All my children are getting on with their lives and I'm on my own much more. It makes me think that it would be ok to not be around anymore but I know that is not true. I've just got to find my life again.
I need to find a purpose to keep going and some new friends. Not sure how I do that.
Work is busy and I have an ofsted inspection tomorrow which is stressful but it will be ok
PTSD is hard and it never ends

Sunday, 18 January 2015

It's been a while

It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog and lots has happened, both good things and not so good
I've turned 50 and been on am amazing holiday to New York. I've also finally moved to a new house and am trying hard to see it as a fresh start
I've been really ill over the past year and have had 3 operations. I've lost 4 stones in weight and am really struggling to be healthy and well. My immunity is poor and I have low iron levels. It's hard to just keep going
Had some scary news just before Christmas that my ex husband is coming back from Thailand and has shipped his belongings back. This has caused bad nightmares again and a lot of anxiety.
Feeling re-traumatised right now and fed up that I always end up in this crap place.
Am trying something new for my nightmares. I set my alarm before they happen - seems easy but it's making me really tired and I wake up upset and agitated. Am hoping it will stop the nightmares though. It's worth a try.
Have managed 8 months without any medication and am in no rush to ever take it again.