Saturday, 30 November 2013

More antibiotics

The stab wound in my side has got infected and I'm back on antibiotics. I have a wound that is 4cms deep and I have to pack it every day. It is really painful and I have no painkillers in the house as I'm not safe with them at the moment. My girls are away so I can't give the tablets to them so I have to try and keep going without any.
The lack of sleep is making me feel really low and tearful. I need to clean my house but I just haven't got any energy. However living in an untidy place gets me down and makes me feel more dirty.
I am seeing my psychiatrist again on Friday. I'm not sure how he can help me or what I want to say to him. I will challenge him about my last appointment as it was rubbish and didn't help me at all.
Christmas is just round the corner and I need to get organised as I don't want to let everyone down. I find this time of year really hard and haven't really started off feeling too great.
I wish I could write a positive blog saying how great I feel and how well I'm doing but I can't.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013


I'm so tired and I've had enough. I feel so alone with everything.
I wish I could curl away and hide until I'm feeling stronger. Right now life is hard but I suppose for me that is nothing new.
I wonder what joy tonight will bring and how I'm going to cope. I'm trying to keep my head up and keep going but the heaviness I feel just overwhelms me.

Sunday, 24 November 2013


It's night time again and time to go to bed. Wish I could stay awake all night instead of having nightmares.
Last night I had a nightmare and my bed was wet. I had a shower and curled up on the sofa downstairs. I should have sorted my bed out but I didn't and then it took me ages to be able to go and sort it today. In the cold light of day I feel so dirty and stupid.
I'm just so exhausted and that is not helping at all. My cuts are sore and I feel really low. Suicidal thoughts come into my head all the time and I'm tired of batting them away. I'm scared that one day I will listen to them and do something impulsive.
This is nothing new and I should be stronger.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

I give up :-(

I'm really struggling at the moment and feel really low. I was supposed to have my first therapy session for months today and really needed it. However when I got there my therapist had gone home as I had been given the wrong time for the session. I was really upset.
It seems that I truly am alone at the moment. I hurt myself badly and ended up at the hospital. The psychiatrist wanted to keep me in and I agreed only to be told that there were no beds so I had to go home. They said someone would be in touch but no one has.
I rang the crisis team at the weekend when I was feeling unsettled and impulsive but was told that no one was available to talk and I wasn't currently open to the crisis team!
I have been ringing my cpn for weeks and she never rings me back.
So it's just me. My self harm is bad, I haven't been able to go to the supermarket for weeks and am missing so much time from work. I have a hole in my side that I have to pack and dress every day but I often use a blade and make it bleed and the hole get bigger. I need the pain to keep me from doing something stupid.
Nights are crap and I'm tired. Really don't know how much longer I can keep going - it's not worth it.

Saturday, 16 November 2013

Dear Bruce

Dear Bruce

This is a letter that I've needed to write for so long but never have.
I remember when we met over 27 years ago. I worked as a bar maid and the first time I saw you my heart skipped a beat, I knew you would be a special person in my life. When you asked me out for a meal I was so happy and after that night we were rarely apart. You simply whisked me off my feet.
We got engaged a year after and then got married and had our amazing son, Adam, so quickly. I remember when we got married and I was first pregnant we had nothing. We lived in the front bedroom of your brothers house. I wasn't worried as I knew we would be ok, we always managed to get ourselves out of trouble.
After buying our first house we went on to have Laura our daughter. You were such a wonderful Dad and I trusted you completely. We lived apart for a year when our children were little and I missed you so much but kept going with the knowledge we would be together again.
I gave up everything for you, my job, my family and friends to go and live in Saudi Arabia. I wanted to be a family again. I needed strength to live there and you weren't always there for me but it was lovely to have time to be a family. We did lots of amazing things and the children loved it. Then I found out that you had had an affair with a maid and chose to forgive you and start again. We decided to have another child.
I was on my own when I had Megan and you didn't see her till she was 12 weeks old. You weren't even at the airport to collect us when we flew out. Adam and Laura were so excited to show you the baby and you weren't there. Then it was adam's 8th birthday party and you were supposed to come home and take us to meet all his friends. I couldn't drive there and was stuck. You were 2 hours late and weren't even bothered that he missed his own party and let his friends down. That should have told me how much you didn't really care about your family.
We came home after 4 years and bought a beautiful house in a lovely village. The children were happy and settled and doing so well and I had a good job in a school. We were happy or so I thought. On our wedding anniversary you took me to Paris for the weekend and we had a wonderful time but the week after I came home from work and you had gone. I knew you had gone to Thailand and was hurt and confused that you couldn't even tell me. Our children were 11, 8 and 4 and missed you so much. You came home at Christmas for a family Christmas and I let you just come home like nothing had happened. I needed to sort out what you were doing and what your plans were. It was so hard on my own working full time and having 3 busy children.
You wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't discuss what your plans were and couldn't answer my questions. It was so frustrating. The last night you were home I went out to give you some time with the children. When I came home I went to bed and could hear you pacing up and down downstairs. Your bags were packed and you were going in the early hours of the morning. I heard your footsteps coming up the stairs and on the floor boards and then you came into my room. I could feel your anger and smell your sweat and suddenly I was frightened, not for me but for our children. Please don't wake up. I knew you wanted to hurt me. You raped me and left me bleeding as you casually had a shower and walked out of the house to get in your taxi. I daren't move, I didn't want to remind you that I was there. I held my breath until I heard you driving off. Then I scrubbed and scrubbed myself clean and curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, numb.
I had to keep going for my children. They cried and they missed you. They didn't understand. I knew you wouldn't come back and had to try and keep going for them.
Fast forward 12 years and I just can't cope. I've been strong and my children are doing well. Only Megan to go to university now and the other two have good graduate jobs. Now I don't need to be as strong for them I find it so hard to keep my head up. I relive that night often and still spend hours curled up on the bathroom floor. It's like you rape me over and over again.
I don't know what I did to deserve to be violated and abandoned. You have never told me why and what I did wrong to make you hate me so much. I must be a horrible person.
You have hurt our children and they are confused. Sometimes they even blame themselves for you going. We were your family and we loved you but all that we got back was hurt and pain.
How do you live with yourself?