Sunday, 29 November 2015

My children

My daughter hurt herself badly and ended up in hospital today. I rushed over to be with her and make sure she was ok. I held her hand and reassured her when she was examined etc. it made me think that I'm so lucky to have children that love and trust me and even when they have left home they still want me to be there for them.
However it also made me realise that when I had my children all those years ago, I didn't plan on bringing them up by myself. I planned on sharing the good and bad times and us all being there for each other. I remember my daughter falling and her Dad carrying her on his shoulders to make sure she was ok. A true family stays together and cares for each other. It's hard work doing it all on my own.
I didn't plan on being the only person buying and planning their Christmas presents, listening to all their worries and giving advice, sorting their problems out if I can or working alongside them to try and sort things if I don't have the answer. I would definitely give them my last rolo but would their Dad? I don't think so and that is sad. I never stopped him from having contact and tried my hardest not to rubbish him but he just didn't love them enough.
I just hope that by having me my children are ok. I love them with all my heart and am so proud of them. They are my world but I make sure they have their own lives and dreams to follow. I will always be here to catch them x

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Bad night

It's 3.30am and I'm struggling. Woke up in a mess and am now trying to calm down safely without hurting myself.
Had a crap, stressful day and I'm so tired. Am busy decorating my bedroom and it is hard having a mess everywhere but I know it will be worth it in the end. Then BT and Virgin messed me around over my phone and TV package and I've got to install a whole new system tomorrow. Will probably be offline for a year lol!!
Work is stressful and too busy and I'm getting a cold. My nose is like a tap. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow to try to sort out my latest abscess. Not sure if I fancy another operation but if that is what it needs to start healing then so be it. I just wonder if the doc will be judgmental over my self harm as I can't deal with that at the moment. I know how stupid I am and don't need reminding.
My MHT have gone quiet over any in-patient therapy and I'm beginning to think it won''t happen. I've heard it all before and nothing happened. Just wonder how long I have to keep struggling for and if I will ever get to see my new psychaitrist

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Feeling overwhelmed

Had a really busy week at work and looking back I probably tried to pack in too much. I am beyond tired and my head is in a really strange place.
Busy days should mean better nights but it just doesn't work that way for me. Wet beds every night this week has taken it's toll and I've got to the point where I have had enough. I haven't even bothered to ring the crisis team at all this week as there is nothing they can do to change anything.
I was hoping for funding to go forward for me to have some assessments for in-patient therapy but it seems I have to see my new psychiatrist first and she has no appointments. Why even talk about support if it is probably not going to happen for months - how am I supposed to just keep going? If my symptoms are severe enough to need in-patient care what am I supposed to do till then?
Suicidal thoughts go through my head and I am drawn to anything that will go round my neck and I plan how to hang myself in my head. I have had to banish my vacuum cleaner, iron and hair straighteners to the shed so I don't wrap the cords round my neck.
I'm getting through the night by self harming and my wrists are a mess. It's like I just don't care which is not true as I do and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
I'm just too tired

Saturday, 14 November 2015


I took a zopiclone before I went to bed last night and fell asleep very quickly. However I woke up just after 4am in a mess. My bed was wet and I was shaking. Usually I get up and go to have a shower but last night I just couldn't ground myself. I couldn't move and the nightmare continued to rage in my head. It was like I couldn't wake up.
So I'm in a dilemma tonight - do I take another one or not? I did eventually get sorted and back to sleep where I managed to sleep until 10am. However despite the sleep I have felt foggy all day, almost like I have been out for a night on the tiles. There was so much I wanted to do today but I've struggled to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if taking the tablet is worth it. I'm not sure if it has a cumulative affect and if I will feel worse tomorrow.
It is just not clear on the literature that came with the medication. I know people that have taken zopiclone for years and I really don't know how they do it. I think I'm just not prepared to feel crap the next day and to struggle with my nightmare - I guess it is just not worth it for a few hours more sleep.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Day off work

It was my birthday yesterday and I couldn't book the day off work as I had something in my diary that I couldn't miss so I thought I would have a day off today instead.
I had a lovely day yesterday and was spoilt by friends and family. I went out for a lovely meal with my son and daughter to a new restaurant.
However as usual the night was really hard and I spent a long time curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm fed up of changing my bloody bed and washing sheets and quilt covers. I'm fed up of feeling dirty so deep inside that I can't scrub it clean.
This morning I hoped I could have a lie in and had arranged to visit a good friend but the builders up the road started banging really early and suddenly I was agitated and unsettled.
I took my dogs for a walk to try to calm down and refocus but just had a horrible feeling that there was someone behind me, even though I knew there wasn't.
So in the middle of the day I ended up curled up crying on the bathroom floor and had to take a lorazepam to try to calm down.
So my day off just ended up being one of those days where I bounce from hyper vigilance to agitation and struggle to stay safe.
Think work might be the best distraction after all.

Saturday, 7 November 2015


How I got through today

Woke up this morning and felt really agitated and unsettled. Just had a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach and my head was everywhere. I knew today was going to be a long day and I was going to struggle to stay safe.
I don't do distraction very well. I knew I could ring the crisis team but what was the point. They would tell me to go for a walk, have a bath, bake a cake etc. and today didn't feel like a day I could do any of those things.
Sometimes I just need time to stay still and hold me and I don't need to fight against it.
I decided to just have a lazy day and to go with how I was feeling and if I needed to cry or rant and rave then so be it.
I stayed in bed longer than normal and listened to my playlist on my IPad. It was good to relax and not have to think about rushing about anywhere.
When I did get up I just ate what I fancied and ended up eating junk most of the day but it didn't really matter. I curled up on the settee and watched a film this afternoon - don't even remember what it was but it kept me going all afternoon.
I cleared my daughter's bedroom this evening as I'm going to decorate it over the next few weeks.
So giving in when I felt like doing nothing didnt hurt and I managed to get through the day and be kinder to myself. Maybe I should do that more often.
Back to bed now and hope it is not a bad night.

Friday, 6 November 2015

In-Patient therapy

Yesterday my MHT had a meeting with my trauma therapist and GP - they decided that a referral to an in-patient unit that specialises in trauma would be a way forward.
I knew about the meeting and the prospect of this referral but when it was actually a reality then it is pretty scary. I work full time and am pretty independent and the thought of in-patient care scares me a bit.
I decided to look further at the place that has been mentioned - The Retreat at York and read through parts of the website. It seems that the therapy on offer is a kind of therapeutic community only for women. The length of stay typically is 8 months and there is a strict structure to the week. You are not allowed to drive at all when you are part of the program and you have to stay there and be locked in at 9.30pm every night.
Part of me knows that I need help and the therapy on offer here sounds completely relevant to my needs and would really challenge my disassociation, self harm and eating disorders. However, I'm not sure it would meet my need around my nightmares and I wonder how I would cope at night. There is a zero tolerance policy on self harm etc. and most of mine happens when I disassociate in the middle of the night. How would they keep me safe?
I guess I won't know unless I ask, keep an open mind and engage.
The next step is for my trauma therapist and CPN to meet with me to discuss what I could get out of this referral and how committed I am to it and then they still have to apply to the CCG for funding.
Nothing will happen probably until next year, so I have some time to get used to the idea.
I had some upsetting news yesterday in that my psychiatrist left today. Although our last meeting was not good, he has been my psychiatrist for years and he understood me well. He never labeled me and always stayed out of the chaos my life brings. He also understood my reluctance to use medication long term and had the same views. Apparently I have a new female psychiatrist who has a background of psychotherapy. I don't have an appointment to see her yet.
At least something is being done to offer further support and I haven't just been written off.    

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

No sleep again

It's 2am and I'm struggling. Just wish I could sleep. Really want to curl up and die, I can't do this anymore. I'm agitated and unsettled and struggling to stay safe. There is mischief in my head, pills to take, cuts to make etc etc
At times like this life is hard and worthless

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Feeling overwhelmed

I don't think I have ever felt so tired as I do right now. Bad night after bad night is having a massive impact on me and I'm shattered.
Usually after a nightmare I manage to get a few hours more sleep but recently I'm waking up very upset and agitated and am not able to calm back down to get more sleep. I can't take a lorazepam as I have been going to work and I need to drive. My head hurts and my eyes feel so heavy but I'm trying to stay awake until my normal bed time.
My MHT have a meeting with my therapist and GP on Thursday and I'm apprehensive about the decisions they are going to make without me. They are going to decide whether to apply for funding for an in-patient trauma unit which will mean me going away from home for 3 months or more. I know that I need help and I've struggled recently but I do manage to go to work and I enjoy my job. I feel like I will be letting everyone down. However if it means that nights are better and I manage my mental health better then it has got to be worth it.
Today I went to a conference about Early Years Education. The presenter was trying to talk about how important it is not only to teach academic skills but also emotional skills to young children. He spent about half an hour talking about poor mental health and the impact it has on your life. He touched on self harm and described how he couldn't imagine how someone's emotional pain can be so great that they physically hurt themselves - well I can! I found it really hard to listen to.
He said that -
Mental Wellbeing is-
More than the absence of mental illness/disorder. It represents the positive side of mental health and can be achieved by people with a diagnosis of mental disorder
Inextricably linked with individuals physical wellbeing
Inextricably linked as both cause and effect with social wellbeing
Mental wellbeing includes the capacity to
Realise our abilities, live a life with purpose and meaning and make a positive contribution to our communities
Form positive relationships with others and feel connected and supported
Experience peace of mind, contentment, happiness and joy
Cope with lifes ups and downs and be confident and resilient
Take responsibility for oneself and for others as appropriate

I guess he just hit a raw note and I'm tired!!!