Thursday, 24 September 2015

Psychiatrist appointment

I finally got to see my psychiatrist yesterday and went to the appointment with my CPN. I had prepared some questions and the main points I needed to cover before I went so that I could make the best use of my appointment.
The main thing that I needed to discuss was whether I could start taking some antidepressants and which ones he thought would be best for me.
I have been feeling so low and hopeless for a while now. I just get really down and suicidal thoughts take over my head. I honestly believe that the world would be a better place without me.
I shared this with my psychiatrist and he just sat and smiled! He thought that antidepressants wouldn't change anything for me and then admitted that he just didn't know how to treat me. He said that even if he saw me 10 times in 10 days nothing would change and I would be no better.
I just felt so upset. He didn't listen to me and just dismissed the use of antidepressants but I think they might lift my mood and help me to be more resilient.
My self harm is so bad at the moment and I am no longer reaching out for help. I haven't rang the crisis team for a week now and its taking me much longer to calm down and sort myself out at night.
My psychiatrist said that he thinks an inpatient stay at a trauma unit would be the best thing for me and is going to talk to my therapist and GP to put a bid in for funding. He says it probably wont be this year and that is just scary. How am I supposed to keep going
He didn't even give me an appointment to see him again and he always does. Think he has given in too

Friday, 18 September 2015

What a week!

I'm so glad to see the end of this week. It has not been an easy one to say the least! I saw a friend today and her first words were 'you look rough!'
If only she knew what I'd been through this week and what a miracle it is that I came out of it with only a cut on my wrist.
I've felt so unsettled today and when I got in my car to go home I just froze. I sat in my car and suddenly everything was so bright and so loud and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move and felt really panicked. Time seemed to stand still and half an hour went by from nowhere. Eventually I took my shoes off, got out of the car and stood on the cold concrete in order to ground myself. I think anyone watching me must have thought I had completely lost the plot but I didn't care. I managed to get back in my car and drive home safely. It annoys me just how quickly these feelings can escalate and how I just freeze. There must be a way to manage those feelings better.
Once home I was just so shattered and I tried to sleep for an while but couldn't doze off. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight.
I plan to have 2 PJ days this weekend and to rest so I can feel stronger next week. I can't function properly at work when I'm so tired and everything is such an effort.
I was at a play group this afternoon and was playing with some children in the playground when suddenly I felt something wet and soggy on my leg under my trousers. The packing and dressing from my abscess had come out. I casually pulled it out and put it in my cardigan pocket!!! Yuk - but I didn't know what else to do. My life is just crazy.
I went to the supermarket to get some food for the weekend and ended up buying lots of chocolate - I think I deserve it and need to spoil myself.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Self harm

It's 3am and I woke up an hour ago after a bad nightmare. My bed is wet and I woke in a real panic. I usually put all my sharp things away but last night sewed up a jumper I am knitting and didn't put the scissors away. Stupid mistake I know
I was so out of it with panic when I woke up that the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom bleeding from a cut on my wrist, scissors in my hand. Now I feel so low and really angry with myself. I know what I have to do to keep safe and keeping scissors in my bedroom is never going to work.
Now the dilemma. Do I go to A&E and have the walk of shame or do I see the nurse in the morning? I just don't think I can handle hospital tonight. I'm not feeling strong enough.
I'm not surprised I am struggling as I had a hard day. I had to have a cystoscopy and when I got there it was a man doing the procedure. My instinct was to run but I know I needed to get it done. After watching a few people go in it was obvious that it was a short procedure of only a few minutes so I decided to grin and bear it. After I just felt so dirty that I went home and scrubbed myself clean.
That is probably why tonight has been so bad. Looks like I will just have to face the self harm shame in the morning.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Struggling again

Haven't felt this poorly for a long time. I have a sinus infection that has travelled up to one eye and is really sore, a water infection that suddenly came on today and my abscess seems to have burst yet again.
I had my procedures yesterday and they were just horrible. I was in such a state and felt so embarrassed. The nurses kept telling me it isn't that bad but obviously they didn't know my story and why such an invasive procedure was so hard for me. Afterwards I went into shock and they had to tip the bed to try to raise my blood pressure. I can't really remember much and must have blacked out. I was only aware when I came to with nurses and a doctor around my bed with concerned looks on their faces. Eventually they commented that I had some colour back and my blood pressure improved. Luckily the results were good and I won't have to have the procedure again. They took some biopsies.
Once home I was so sore that I couldn't settle and had a really bad night. I rang the crisis team and left a message but they didn't call me back. Don't really blame them as they must get fed up of me.
Today it was my daughters birthday and we went out for lunch but I just felt ill. She showed me an email that her Dad had sent her and although I should accept it for what it is, a Dad saying Happy Birthday to his daughter it still hurts as he doesn't deserve it. He hasn't supported her in any way for 14 years and only texts on birthdays and at Christmas. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't tell me but at least she felt that she was able to.
Tonight an old friend who hurt me badly has sent me a friend request on Facebook. Dilemma - do I accept it and try to move forward or do I protect myself from more pain. I can't decide but maybe she is trying to reconnect as we have been friends for a long time and our children grew up together - can I move forward and forgive? I'm not sure,
Tonight I can't settle. I still have some pain from yesterday and I have another procedure to endure tomorrow that is going to be painful and invasive. I have to have a cystoscopy and with a water infection it will be difficult and uncomfortable.
I saw a GP today and she was very dismissive. She took a swab from my abscess, dipped my urine and said it had blood in it and was infected but wouldn't give me anything as I am at the hospital. She refused to give me pain relief and I don't really blame her and then I forgot to ask for lorazepam.
Am hoping that writing this will settle me and distract me but I've a feeling that tonight is going to be a long hard night.

Saturday, 12 September 2015

Too many triggers

Over the next few days I am going to have so many triggers and really need to put things in place to look after myself.
I saw y sister for the first time this year today and felt really unsettled when I left - what bit of don't mention my ex husband to me doesn't she understand? It sounds pretty straightforward to me. Luckily I had already heard his latest news earlier in the week so was able to bat it off and not let it upset me too much. At least I can tell myself that I remembered her birthday and took her a nice present so I can hold my head up.
On Monday I have to have a colonoscopy to check that I'm not bleeding anywhere. I know that it is going to be difficult but it is important. Tomorrow I have to take lots of laxatives which I'm not looking forward to at all. The thing that is bothering me most is how I will cope if I am sore afterwards. I need to make sure I have enough pain relief in the house. I think I will sleep the rest of Monday as they are going to sedate me.
Then on Wednesday I have to have a cystoscopy to look inside my bladder. They are not going to sedate me for that and I will have to try and stay relaxed and grounded. I am trying to think what I can do and am going to try looking for certain colours in the environment or maybe items of the same shape. I need to stay present - it is going to be so hard and so embarrassing if I lose it.
Fingers crossed they will both go ok