Monday, 27 July 2015

Crisis House

Been at the crisis house for two nights. It is good to have somewhere safe to go and the staff here are lovely but the other patients are hard to be around and pretty triggering. They kick off, scream and shout and then self harm, take overdoses etc
If they can't keep safe here then what are they like normally? There is always someone to talk to who will listen and calm you down and they go out of their way to write plans to support you. Some people just don't want to be helped but just like drama and chaos.
It is so unsettling when your feeling crap anyway. 2 people have walked out and another girl just does the opposite of what she is told all the time.
I find it hard to see others self harming when I'm trying my best not to. It's a constant battle for me. Not going off in my car is also hard but I must try and get the support I need and stay focused
Nights have been bad and it's good to have someone to talk to but they can also see how much I'm struggling which makes it easier for services to help me. Often I can't explain what is going on but this way they can see it. The crisis team come and see me and they will help me when I go home later in the week
Mental health is just so complex - I don't really understand it

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Nights in my car

Its 5am and I've been in my car all night. I promised myself (and others) that I would try to stay at home and to not spend the night in the car but right now this is how I'm coping. I know it's pretty stupid and I know I'm vulnerable out in the car especially as I'm disassociating so much. 
I tried so hard to stay at home. I tried curling up on the settee but when the panic sets in I just go. 
I can't explain logically why I'm doing this. It doesn't make sense but it feels safer than staying at home. 
I think it might be the enclosed space in the car that helps and the fact I have nothing here that will hurt me. I gravitate to the river and find it peaceful and calming. The water is so still and I love the light dancing on the water.
Have got yo go to work tomorrow but I'm so exhausted. I've been offered a place at the crisis house again and I'm seriously thinking of going. Maybe that will support me into sleeping in my bed again? Even if it just helps me to stay at home it will be better.
Going to try and drive home. I might be able to grab a few hours sleep............

Tuesday, 21 July 2015


Had an appointment with a cpn today. Don't quite know how I feel about it except it seemed a bit surreal.
I have been struggling all week and am exhausted. For some reason I'm struggling with staying at home at night and have been going off in my car to just keep safe. I get so frustrated with myself when I do that and know that its a fight or flight response but don't really know how safe I am out in the dark in my car. However the cpn thought it was acceptable and nothing to worry about!!! She said she knew lots of people that sleep in their car. This kind of confused me as I had hoped we would be able to discuss options to try and keep me at home overnight but now I'm questioning my judgement.
Throughout today I've disassociated quite a lot - it just seems to get worse the more tired I get. I'm losing time and can't remember chunks of what I've done.
My skin crawls more than normal and images are bright and vivid. It's like I'm on high alert which I know is part of my PTSD but doesn't get any easier to handle or accept.
I'm just so tired and wish I could get some sleep. Have considered asking for some zopiclone but don't want to get into junkie mode. Zopiclone makes me feel rubbish anyway.
Have asked to see if the crisis house is still available as a last resort and it is seeing as I behaved myself last time lol!!! I have trauma therapy on thursday so will see how I feel after that.

Sunday, 19 July 2015


Need a rant! Am turning into a drug addict or some kind of junkie and I really don't like it.
When I had my accident in Lanzarote the doctor gave me 4mg of lorazepam to take each day for the rest of the holiday. I normally have 5 1mg tablets to last a week. Foolishly I took them whilst I was away and they did help, probably more than I thought.
So I get back home and suddenly I have no tablets left and realise that I've got dependent on them. I ring my psychiatrist to be told that he is away on holiday for 2 weeks and no one else is available. Then I try to speak to the MHT but no one returns my call. Finally I speak to my GP, but one I don't know very well. He agrees to give me 1 mg a day for 7 days and I just took the prescription thinking that it was better than nothing. I've spent the last few days shaking and agitated. I can't sleep and have spent hours in my car throughout the night as it's the only place I feel safe.
I spoke to the crisis team throughout last night and she managed to get me home and told me to take 2 lorazepam and to go to bed. That is very well and good but what do I do when I run out again. I will have to beg for more. No one seems to be listening.
I'm happy to reduce the amount. I don't want to take that much but I can't just stop it overnight. I feel so emotional and frightened.
I suppose it's my fault for taking them but they got me through a bad time and I was safe. Seems that I can't win 😪

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Going home

Just waiting around to fly home - will arrive back around midnight
The rest and the sunshine has done me good but I'm feeling anxious about how I'm going to cope back home
Two weeks of work and then I've got a month off. Think I need to spend that time trying to let people help me more. My therapist talked about an inpatient trauma program and I've resisted so far - it seems scary and I don't like to feel out of control but I recognise I need help
Things spiral so quickly downwards and I'm leaving myself at risk of doing some permanent damage.
So far this past few months I've knocked myself unconscious, broken my collar bone, taken overdoses, stabbed myself and needed stitches more than once. It is not good and I need to start looking after myself more.
The disassociation is getting out of control - maybe a review of meds is needed? I just know I can't keep going like this if I want to see my grandchildren!!!

Tuesday, 14 July 2015

Middle of the night

Things aren't working too brill tonight - it's the middle of the night and I'm stick on the bathroom floor
There is no internet connection so won't be able to send this till tomorrow
Meg is fast asleep and I can't breathe - I don't want to wake her but feel stuck in here
There are too many shadows everywhere and I'm making myself jump just by moving 
Hate my life at times like this

Monday, 13 July 2015

Hanging on

Hanging on to reality and keeping my head above water - just!
My youngest daughter is sleeping with me and it is helping. Having the weirdest dreams involving us both though - we have been deep sea diving, learning to ride a bike, teaching a class of naughty children and cycling down a mountain!!!
Much better than the nightmares I normally have. She wakes me up if I seem agitated or upset.
Am managing to sunbathe and swim and have eaten more than I have in a while.
It goes to show I should let people help me more and stop being so independent 
Back to work on Friday but I'm feeling less stressed and more rested than I have in a while.

Friday, 10 July 2015

Another week

Still in Lanzarote and am beginning to wish I had listened to my head and not my heart - I was struggling before I came and being here is not helping. Nights are so frightening, I daren't sleep and now I'm exhausted and struggling with reality.
I can hear him and smell him through out the day. There are shadows everywhere and I daren't take my meds as I don't want to sleep.
I've been spending time curled up on the bathroom floor. It's the only place I feel safe.
I hate letting my family down but I can't cope. I'm just getting lower and lower and I'm frightened. It's going to be a long week

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Holiday chaos

Just spent a week in Lanzarote. Was looking forward to coming away but the run up to the holiday had not been easy and night times were particularly bad with lots of disassociation 
The third night I was here I had a bad nightmare and woke up disorientated and all over the place. I managed to get out of my apartment in the early hours of the morning in a dis associative state. I fell down some stone stairs and knocked myself unconscious and ended up at the hospital in the next town where they found I had  broken my collar bone too.
They kept injecting me and knocking me out and were freaked put by my mental health. I rang my MHT for advice and no one would talk to me - I was so frightened. In the end they spoke to my GP and I was let out the next day
Feeling battered and bruised and very overwhelmed. Trying to keep pretending I'm ok but I feel so detached from everything and daren't sleep again
Can't wait to come home next week