Tuesday, 17 December 2013


My neck is healing ok. It is really painful. When I left the hospital they gave me 100 paracetamols, 48 Ibruprofen and 48 Codeine tablets. I hate having that many painkillers in the house but am trying hard to keep to a routine and take them sensibly. The worse thing is sleeping when I keep turning onto my painful side. I didn't realise that I slept on my right side so much.
I saw my consultant today and he was pleased with how it is healing. He said it was harder to cut out the infection than he thought it would be.
I am trying to get ready for Christmas but am not organised at all. I think I need to not get stressed out by it and what will be will be.
I have a therapy session tomorrow but I haven't really done what he asked me to do last time and still haven't been shopping. I hope he will go easy on me!

Friday, 13 December 2013

Warning - scary photo

I took this photo 3 days ago after an operation to have the abscess in my neck sorted. I felt so ill. Am finally home now and find looking at this picture really scary. Maybe when I'm feeling like pressing self destruct I should look at it and remember how poorly I was and how frightened I felt.

Saturday, 7 December 2013


This week I have seen my therapist and my psychiatrist. I must admit I wasn't really looking forward to the appointments as I thought they might throw the book at me and lock me up! However they went really well and I finally feel more supported and understood.
I saw my therapist on Thursday and he found it amusing that I had challenged my psychiatrist about my diagnosis. He always tries to encourage me to be my own therapist and we talked over current events and my actions. He understood that I was disassociating a lot more and was also able to explain the anxiety around shopping. Before I see him in 2 weeks time I have to try a plan to get me able to go shopping again. I feel anxious about that but am going to try and challenge my comfort zone little by little.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he admitted that he was worried about me and felt I was a high risk of hurting myself badly and unintentional suicide. We agreed a crisis plan so that I know the support is there when I need it. I can ask for a crisis admission to hospital at any time and can also have better access to lorazepam. The crisis team will no longer be able to tell me that I'm not open to them and should support me better.
Christmas is a hard time for me and I spoke to my ex husband in Thailand last week who dropped the bombshell that he is back next week. I am trying to not get wound up as he has said that before and hasn't arrived.
I'm tired and am looking forward to a break over Christmas. Tomorrow we are decorating the house which will be nice and will brighten things up.