Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Feeling poorly

Same old crap again, my abscess on my stomach is sore and infected and I feel poorly :-(
I saw my GP today who took a swab and told me to start taking antibiotics if I feel any worse.
She still hasn't had a notification from my new psychiatrist about my new medication and all the tests that she wants to be done. I saw her 2 weeks ago and I know it has been Christmas but it still doesn't seem good enough
I wanted to start my new meds while I was on holiday from work in case they have side affects that aren't nice. I know they can make you feel sick and give you a head ache. Maybe I need to ring tomorrow?
The crisis team have been quite helpful over the last few nights but it seems to be the same old thing over and over and I'm sure they must get fed up of me. I'm not going to stop ringing though as I want to get the referral for the in-patient trauma therapy done and if I go quiet it will not happen.

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Christmas is over

I'm glad that Christmas is over for another year - there needs to be some changes next year.
It was lovely to have everyone at my house and I was truly spoilt by good friends and family. Dinner time was fraught and it is so hard to feed more than 6 people. The roast potatoes and parsnips were soggy and just wouldn't crisp - I dont know what my son did to them!
Dinner was cold even after putting the plates in the oven and I think the dogs ate more than anyone else. So next year we will go out for Christmas dinner. I will start looking for somewhere to go.
My nieces were really good and my girls played games with them and made them up with nail varnish and make up.
My brother and the girls wanted to stay but his girlfriend wanted to go home and hardly smiled or spoke to anyone all day. So they left quite early which was a shame.
Then everyone wanted to watch Coronation St and Downtown Abbey but I don't watch either of them so I read a book and played Frustration with my son and daughter.
Then after going to bed quite happy and settled I had an horrendous night. I ended up in a heap on the bathroom floor and just cried and cried. It just shows that there is nothing I can really do to change my nightmares.
Today everyone has gone and I'm on my own till my girls come back from sales shopping. Think I need to try to catch up on sleep

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Happy Christmas

Just having a quiet five minutes before everyone comes over for Christmas. Have wrapped all the presents, sorted stockings for tonight, bought all the food and drink and remembered to take the turkey out of the freezer in time.
Am watching Ed Sheeran on the tele and the dogs are asleep so I think it is the calm before the storm!
Christmas is a special time for family and I know I am so lucky to have three wonderful children that still want to come home for Christmas. I'm going to cherish the next few days and try to relax and enjoy the holiday.
Night times are still bad and I'm tired but am putting that smile on my face and keeping going

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Hand massage

I accidentally found a new way to ground myself. My daughter bought me some hand cream months ago and I hadn't even opened it. A few days ago I used it and just loved the smell and the texture and I put it in my night time basket that I keep in the bathroom to ground myself.
That night I was upset and sat on the floor in the bathroom. I opened the hand cream and massaged it into my hands. I gently massaged each finger and slowly my breathing calmed down and I was able to ground myself.
I don't think it will help every night but it is something else I can try.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015


Double ouch today!!!
Ouch no 1 - I disassociated yesterday and stabbed myself in the stomach. I couldn't face going to A&E so I went to my local GP surgery. A GP stitched me up without giving me any anesthetic and it bloody hurt. I lay there on the bed feeling that I deserved the pain as I had hurt myself. I had 15 stitches and afterwards I just felt so low. I tried to ring the crisis team as I just felt so agitated and unsettled but noone would answer. I rang the DPM at the hospital and luckily someone I know really well answered the phone. She calmed me down and sorted out a prescription of lorazepam to calm me down. She then got my CPN to ring me this morning to check up on me. I wish the crisis team would be as good as that but they are a waste of time.
Ouch no 2 - I went to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time. She blocked me out of her life due to our girls falling out, even though we had been really close and had helped each other through some tough times.She acted like nothing had happened between us and chatted just like old times but I found that I was on edge and guarded. I couldn't be my normal self and was careful what I said and did. When I left I wished her a happy Christmas and she said that she would like to see me before Christmas. I'm just not sure -  I felt quite emotional after seeing her and am not sure re-kindling that relationship is a positive move. There is a lot of history there and I want to move on and not back.
I'm seeing my new psych next week which is scary.................

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Christmas Tree trigger

Today I put up my Christmas tree and as usual it has been very triggering. I always say that next year I'm buying a new tree with new ornaments and not going through the emotions connected with old traditions.
However when it came to it I just couldn't do it. My children still like to see their Christmas tree with decorations we have collected over the years.
There are my babies first baubles which were so special when we bought them. I noticed that Adams has lost an eye and Laura's is looking worse for wear. Then there's the home made decorations that they made at nursery and school. I remember them proudly giving them to me, how can I not put them on the tree? We have collected tree decorations from all over the world. Some from America, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Prague, Cyprus etc all of which bring back memories of our time together as a family when the children were growing up. There are baubles from the millennium, the year before our family fell apart and I look at all these and think 'how can it have gone so wrong?' Lots of cherished memories tarnished by the actions of one person.
Then we have the decorations from after 'the event' they just don't seem right to be together, almost like it should be a new beginning. My children love looking at the tree and talking about their special decoration.
So tonight it's gone 2am and I can't sleep. I'm agitated and unsettled. I feel overwhelmed by all the emotions today has brought. Lots of sadness but also the anticipation of another Christmas and time to be together.
By doing what Bruce did he rubbished all my treasured memories. What I thought was special suddenly seems tainted and insignificant. Maybe next year I must get a new tree!