Monday, 31 August 2015


Yeah - I managed to go to knitting group tonight and that feels good. I am exhausted and think I will sleep for a week - its amazing how mentally tiring it is to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
When I got to the pub tonight I was shaking and felt sick walking into the pub. Had I got the right place? Would it still be on tonight as it is a Bank Holiday?Will there be anyone there? Loads of questions going round my head and my head was spinning. It would have been so easy to turn and run in the opposite direction.
Once I walked in the room I felt ok. There were 7 other people there and they were all knitting and crocheting different things but showed genuine interest in the owl jumper I am making for my niece. I have altered the pattern and added my own detail to it and got some positive comments.
I was nervous once I had sat down and concerned that because of my state of high alert I wouldn't be able to follow the conversation or would make a fool of myself but I stayed quiet for a while and listened and then was able to be more settled and more confident.
I was invited to go to a knitting event in a few weeks time in Yorkshire and my initial reaction was to decline the offer, I might actually go as I know I will enjoy it and it will be another achievement and a day out.
Back at home I am feeling exhausted and drained but I'm happy I made myself go there - its something I've been trying to do for weeks and now I've been there I know I can go again next week and spend some time with other people that enjoy the same things as me. No one judged me and I was able to hold my own. I didn't feel out of place.
I am a bit concerned about the prospect of the low after the euphoria and have given myself a hard time about being so stupid. I just hope I am now able to sleep and don't have a bad night.
Tomorrow is the last day before I go back to work on Wednesday and I've arranged to take my nieces out for lunch which will be enjoyable. It just goes to show that life is what you make it and I've got to keep pushing myself forwards.

Sunday, 30 August 2015


It's 12.05am and I should go to bed. I still haven't made my bed after my nightmare last night and the thought of wrestling with my duvet doesn't really seem like a task I want to do.
I still have my 'bedtime' routine to do that I'm supposed to do every night. All the sharps to be put in the shed, hide my car keys and house keys and make the house as safe as possible. Grrr tonight I just can't be bothered but I suppose I need to do it more than ever so that I am safe.
My children have all left home now and the house is so quiet. I really miss them and find being on my own so hard after bringing my children up on my own for so long. However I have to let them go and I have to let them lead their own lives. I think I need to find my life again and do more of the things that I enjoy. Tomorrow night there is a knitting club that I've been putting off going to for months as I find it daunting walking into a pub by myself but I know that they will make me welcome and I will enjoy it. So I'm going to try my best to go and show off the lovely owl jumper that I am knitting for my niece.
What else do I enjoy??? Where can I go?? I thought about looking for a book club or even going to aqua aerobics but one step at a time.
To be honest all last week I had planned to end my life this weekend. I've been feeling really suicidal and had got it in my head that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I know that that isn't true and I know that suicide is not the answer but sometimes it is hard to keep my head up and keep going. I really need to start some antidepressants so I can dig myself out of this hole.

Friday, 28 August 2015

Sticking plaster

Still struggling with suicidal thoughts and having to work hard to keep myself safe.
The crisis house was offered again but this time I just didn't feel like it was the right place to be. I feel like it is just like a short term sticking plaster and doesn't actually change anything. At the end of 5 days I will still have to just go home and nothing will have changed.
I am not in the right frame of mind to be around other people that are struggling. If anyone was confrontational or hard to be around I think I would find it triggering and wouldn't be safe anyway, so there is no point going there.
I know I can ring the crisis team if I need to over the bank holiday. I have some sleeping tablets to take if I need to. Last night I did get to sleep quickly with the tablet but ended up having a bad nightmare and for the first time in ages soiled the bed. I had to throw away all my bedding and I hate that.
Trying to keep distracted and stay around people. I'm not sure what the answer is but maybe going back to work next week will help - I don't know but I'm prepared to keep an open mind.

Sunday, 23 August 2015

Letter I will not send

Been feeling particularly suicidal recently and have contemplated writing goodbye letters to my children. I don't think I have ever felt as bad as this before and am trying to make sense of it. Empty nest syndrome probably does play a part. My children have all left home now and I'm spending more time on my own. It's summer so I'm not at work and I've also not been very well. All in all I'm not surprised that I'm struggling and battling with my head. Suicidal thoughts are painful and intrusive and hit you when you least expect it. It scares me that in a mad moment I might act on the thoughts and I often don't feel safe. All I can do is keep going

There is one letter inside me that I'd love to send and that is to the person that hurt me the most - Bruce. How do I even start to put on paper how much he has hurt me? How can I describe the pain I live with every day, even after all these years? He will not give me a second thought and I know he hasn't a clue of the impact of his actions. I often wonder if he ever thinks of his children. It won't be long and his daughters will be planning weddings - how would he feel seeing someone else walking them down the aisle? In a few years there might be Grandchildren. He will never see them - will he regret that? Or is he just such a cold bastard that it doesn't matter? I have years of my life, the birth of my children, their early childhood etc etc that I can't share with anyone. I look at old photos and wonder if my memories are real. Why am I smiling? Why do we look just like a normal family? Should I have known - were there any signs?

I know it doesn't help to go over these thoughts but I somehow need to make sense of my life. Am I really a bad person? Often I wonder who I am. I push people away and have little confidence. Who would want to spend time with me? There is such a pain deep inside me and I'm tired of trying to hide it. Maybe I need to write these letters and burn them just to get everything inside of me out. Maybe one day I will but they can't be goodbye letters - not yet anyway

Thursday, 20 August 2015

Who needs a doctor?

What a week!!!
I have been so poorly with an abscess this week and have tried hard to get it treated and to get rid of the pain.
I went to A&E on Saturday night and was sent home with no treatment. Then I saw my GP yesterday who wanted me to go straight to hospital but I had to take my daughter to Manchester to start a new job. Stupidly I drove there and when I was there my abscess burst all over the place!! /yuk!
I went to a hospital in Manchester and they put a needle in my arm, took some bloods, looked at my abscess and sent me home with the needle still in my arm! Would have been so easy to mess with it but I didn't. I know how to take them out luckily.
I went home and went back to my local hospital. They looked at the abscess that is oozing gunk everywhere. They said it will heal itself and put a tiny plaster on it that barely lasted till I got back into my car.
I feel that the fact I self harm and had probably caused the abscess made people judge me and I haven't received proper care. I have had no antibiotics for the abscess and it hasn't been cleaned.
I got home and cleaned it out as best I can. Then I got some surgical ribbon and packed the wound. It is really deep and a whole pack of ribbon went in it. Then I covered it.
It is already leaking through the dressing but I have an appointment with my practice nurse tomorrow who will sort it for me.
It's a good job I know what to do

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Feeling poorly

Been curled up in bed all day feeling poorly and sorry for myself. Yesterday I had an appointment at the GP surgery to have my stitches out and got there on time. I sat down only to be told that there were 3 minor operations to do before me and it would be over an hour wait. I had had a bad night and was feeling really unsettled so I just got up and walked out!
I saw my psychiatrist the same day and he was useless!!! He just kept asking me what I wanted and how to keep myself safe. He said I seemed very low and asked me if I needed some antidepressants and if so which ones. Well I don't bloody know - he's supposed to be the doc. He also said that my risk levels for suicide are high and how he could hep to keep me safe. It seems that if I don't have the answers then nothing happens. I spoke about a care coordinator again and he said he would get back to me. He doubled the dosage of prazosin and told me to think about which antidepressants I wanted for my next appointment. Waste of time seeing him.
I have a water infection so I went back to see my GP and saw a new locum doctor. He looked at my stitches and said they were ok to stay in till Monday and prescribed me some antibiotics for my infection and some iron tablets as I am anemic.  Due to my low iron levels he wants to send me for some tests at the hospital to see if I'm bleeding anywhere, starting with the gut. Well if he thinks anyone is putting a camera up my bum he has another thing coming. The panic I feel when I even think about it is horrendous. My life just gets better and better.
So, I go to the chemists to get my antibiotics to be told they have never heard of them and don't stock them. They said they would try and get them in by lunch time the next day. However this morning they rang to say they can't get them till Monday, so I still have a painful infection and no antibiotics. I could just cry.
I'm fed up of ringing the crisis team and fed up of trying to get some help. Think I just need to go and curl up back in bed until Monday when I can finally get some antibiotics

Sunday, 9 August 2015


The last few days have been a roller coaster and I'm feeling exhausted
After cutting myself badly a few nights ago I had hoped that there would be some support available to keep me safe over the weekend. However that has certainly not been the case at all.
I was told to ring the crisis team if I needed them and they would be able to offer help and even a home visit or face to face meeting
I rang them last night and a man at the other end said they were busy but would ring me straight back. Well in a couple of hours that will be 24 hours ago and I'm still waiting! I guess they think I will ring back of I needed to but why would I? They just let me down and make me feel pretty crap.
I'm not sure what after care would have been good but none is just crap. I don't think I would want to be in hospital but can I keep myself safe? I'm not sure I can
I usually try to make my house as safe as possible but the other night had been sewing up a knitting project and had left the scissors out without thinking. That was all it took for me to be so unsafe
I think I need to make a checklist for when I go to bed so I put all sharps away
This weekend has been hard and very overwhelming.

Saturday, 8 August 2015


I really hate the treatment that you get in A&E. I was so upset about ending up back there again and was made to sit for hours in the middle of the department on a hard chair while all the other patients, even the drunk ones, laid on comfy beds. A nurse came to do the referral to DPM and asked me very personal and embarrassing questions infront of other patients sitting next to me. I wanted to curl up and die.
Then I kept getting told that someone would be down to assess me in half an hour - 4 hours later someone came and asked me if I lived in a bungalow etc, what my religion was etc etc and then just told me to go home and ring the crisis team! Duh, that was no help at all. Looking back I know there is nothing much else he could have said or done but maybe to ask how I was feeling would have been a good start as then I could have said how overwhelmed and frightened I was. I could have talked through how I was going to cope at home and keep myself safe and how to use my medication more effectively. Maybe I should do their job?
Have managed to get some sleep and am going to have a quiet day. Can't believe how badly I hurt myself - do I really hate myself that much? Do I really care that little about myself? My self harm is getting worse and it's like I'm on self destruct. Got to go through the humiliation of having my stitches out next week too - joys!

Friday, 7 August 2015


In A&E as I've managed to cut through an artery!!! One of these days I won't make it to be patched up
Can't even remember hurting myself tonight and I'm so upset at the damage I've done
Been waiting for hours to be sorted and still got to see the mental health team but I know they will just send me home
It scares me what I'm capable of but at the same time I don't really care 
This is just crap
It's now 3 hours later and I'm still here waiting for DPM - feel so crap sat on the naughty chair - even the drunk people get treated better than me. Going to leave if they don't come soon - they can't help anyway 

Thursday, 6 August 2015


It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Monday, 3 August 2015

Sleeping sickness

Nights have continued to be a problem. Rang the crisis team a few nights ago only to be told to read a book - I just wanted to laugh 'that's where I've gone wrong all these years' I don't keep a book on the bathroom floor to read when I'm in a mess. As if - it just made me feel stupid and pathetic
I won't be ringing for help again any time soon.
I have a water infection and am in a lot of pain. I saw my GP today and she gave me some antibiotics. When I got home I went upstairs at 10am and my daughter woke me up at 5pm. I was fast asleep. I feel a lot stronger after sleeping, so I obviously needed it but had hoped to sort my garden out today. It can wait till tomorrow.
My daughter has just announced that she is leaving home and that is sad but I'm glad that she is getting on with her life and is happy. I need to try to get on with my life. I was supposed to go to knitting club today and I know I would have enjoyed it but finding the thought of meeting people in a pub a bit hard. I know once I go I will be fine but it just seems one step too far right now.
It's late and I need to go to bed - feel sick at the thought of it. Not feeling very strong to deal with nightmares right now and keeping myself safe is doing my head in. I just want to be normal