Monday, 30 March 2015

Bum surgery

It's 3.15am and I can't get to sleep. I am in so much pain and I have to be up in 3 hours time to go to the hospital to have an abscess drained on my bum. I keep smiling and thinking 'open bum surgery' lol
I must admit I am so fed up with getting abscesses now and I just want to heal and get on with my life.
I'm scared about surgery tomorrow as the last time I went to theatre I lost a whole day and was just out of it!
It takes ages to get over an anestheatic - and then I will still have to pack my bum daily. I thought I was doing really well but I suppose it is an easy area to get reinfected.
On the plus side I bought a overly new shiny red car today - a Renault Clio and it is so nice to drive. It's a shame I'm going to be out of action for a few days.
Anyway - back to trying to sleep..............

Sunday, 29 March 2015

Be careful what you say

It's amazing how a few words can cause so much pain. I sometimes think people don't think before they speak or even think of the consequences - how their words are going to make you feel.
An old acquaintance of mine rang me out of the blue to say that she had seen my consultant. She had great delight in saying that they had mentioned me and he had called me 'crazy julie'
I asked her in what context but she wouldn't say any more except he obviously thinks I'm mad.
He does probably have a point but it's still not nice to hear
I have his mobile number and asked him why he had called me that. He replied that it was a term of endearment and that he doesn't discuss patients with other patients.
Now I just feel hurt and confused. I know my mental health can be all over the place but I do manage to hold down a good job and hold my family together. Do people really think I'm crazy?
What does crazy mean anyway? At least he didn't say mad!
My thoughts are all over the place and playing tricks with me - lots of suicidal thoughts, I'm not good enough, it would be better if I wasn't around etc....
Just got to keep my head up and keep going

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Sunday night already

The weekend goes so quickly and I always hope I can sleep, relax and catch up from the week. In reality it never happens and a 5 day weekend with 2 days at work would be much better.
I just don't get why I'm so tired after 2 nights with a bit more sleep
My abscesses look like they might be infected again which is a pain as I don't want to take more antibiotics.
Am going away for a week on Tuesday to Portugal and really need the break. It's stressful making sure that I have enough dressings and tablets etc - packing is not so straight forward
I signed up for a painting class when I get back - something I've wanted to do for a while. It will be good to try a new skill and be creative
Next I need to go out and find some new friends but one step at a time. I might try yoga too
Got to beat this crap - I deserve better

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Want to curl up and die

Struggling this week. Wish I could just curl up and die. I'm so low and tired, fed up of not sleeping and then being exhausted all day.
That bloody smile is painted on my face but underneath the smile I'm crumbling and it hurts.
I'm fed up of putting on that brave face, of holding my family together and being the strong one. I want someone to just be there for me. To give me a hug and make me a cuppa - just to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
My temperature is high again and one abscess looks infected - fed up of the bloody stupid things. Just wish they would heal.
I rang my mental health team today as I needed to try and calm myself. The receptionist asked me why I needed to talk to my cpn - as if I'm going to tell her! I just put the phone down. Feel so stupid.
Why isn't help there when they keep telling me it is?
Should I go back on medication or should I just give in? Scary question

Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Bad nights

Saw my new cpn today and we talked about how much I am struggling.
I've been taking lorazepam to calm down when I have woken up at night and wondered whether to take it before I go to sleep to see if it makes a difference and stops the nightmares or helps me to sleep longer
Going to take 1mg before I go to sleep tonight and just hope it helps. I only have 7 tablets to last 2 weeks so they are a bit like gold dust!
If this doesn't work then I'm going to ask to see my psychiatrist - I need to do something