Saturday, 28 February 2015

Night time help

Had a few bad nights this week. Just been feeling really unsettled and my nightmares are bad. Think the wet beds have got me down as I have 2 abscesses that I need to repack after I've had a shower and sorted my bed out and they are really painful.
I have finally created a safe place in my new house, a wardrobe in my bedroom! I cleared it out and put a soft throw, cushions and a night light in it. Am going to add some sandalwood essential oil to make it smell nice in there. It has helped having an enclosed space to snuggle in and has reminded me of a space I used to hide in when I was little.
I rang the crisis team one night this week. I couldn't breathe and my senses were in overdrive. Jenna stayed on the phone with me for over half an hour and really calmed me down. She was brilliant and I felt so supported. I cried and was really upset. I hate it when I can't cope.
Have 3 hospital appointments this week so maybe I might get some answers as to why I keep getting these abscesses. I hope so.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

So much pain still

I have 2 abscesses at the moment that have to be packed daily and are so painful.
I feel sick all the time and can't eat - just don't know what to do with myself!
I get so run down and then I feel bad for letting everyone down and in reality I hate being poorly and needing help from others.
I need to remember how crap it is to be in this place and how much better I feel when I am fit and healthy. I'm fed up of feeling poorly.
What can I do to make a change from this cycle? I need a new life plan that involves me moving forward. This is something I need to work on and take seriously. I can't carry on like this.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015


Finally had my abscess sorted. Ended up collapsing and going to hospital on Saturday night and had surgery on Sunday morning.
Don't remember any of Sunday at all - it takes me ages to come out of an anaesthetic
Came home on Monday and am in so much pain. It has been a nightmare trying to get my dressings changed and I just feel that I have to fight for everything.
Managed to get the dressings changed finally and it hurt like hell. Got to have them changed again tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

So much pain

Grrr still in a lot of pain. I wish I could get this abscess sorted. It is waking me up in the night and I'm feeling sooooo tired.
2 people came to see me yesterday which was really nice but I was so tired and hope I wasn't bad company.
I'm trying to open up and let more people in. I'm trying to reach out a bit more and not keep everything locked in but it is not easy. I find it so hard to trust anyone but know that I've got to.
Life can't stay like this and I've got to turn things round.
One step at a time is all I can do at the moment.

Friday, 13 February 2015

My life just gets worse

Having a bad week :-(
Had a really high temp and felt so ill on Monday and ended up in hospital all on my own as usual. When I was moved to a ward the male nurse had to check my obs every hour. He pulled the curtain around my bed and became very over familiar, rubbing my leg and calling me beautiful. It made my skin crawl. He then got my mobile no from my records and started sending me messages saying he wanted to be there for me and meet me when I got out of hospital. I felt so trapped and dirty as I lay in that bed and didn't handle it very well. I should have asked for another nurse and caused a fuss but I just felt so ill
I'm back home now and I did report the nurse. I was given the usual 'we have reported it' feedback but that is not enough. How many other women has he hit on? It makes me angry that people abuse the trust you should have in them
Last night I was in lots of pain and felt really ill. I contacted my surgeon today who just fobbed me off and told me to see my GP or to go back to hospital
I only wanted some advice and I have paid a lot of money for a private operation. I was told I had 2 years after care which is crap
Am moaning so much today but I feel so low and am in pain - life gets worse

Saturday, 7 February 2015

Dear Crisis Team

Dear Crisis Team
To the crappy person at the end of the telephone tonight I would really like to scream a few things at you
You didn't listen to me
You didn't calm me down when I needed you to
You didn't follow the crisis plan that I have written especially for times like tonight
You didn't understand that I'm frightened
You didn't help me to plan how I'm going to get through the rest of tonight
You didn't care
You made me feel stupid
You left me feeling overwhelmed and so agitated
The call made me feel worse
My skin crawls
I can feel, smell and hear him and my skin crawls
I just want to curl up and die and I just needed you to stay with me for 5 minutes to calm me down and make me feel like I am not alone
Is that too much to ask?

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Me now

More trauma therapy

Had yet another session of trauma therapy today. My therapist has had to move to a different building and I thought nothing of it. However when I got there it just happened to be a building where I went after giving an impact statement to the police which was really traumatic back in 2008
It was so weird - I was suddenly back in that place and just couldn't breathe. A lovely lady that I worked with all those years ago came out to say hello which was very surreal. I have moved on from there and don't want to go back
Am wondering whether to finish the trauma therapy as it's not really helping much now anyway. I need to move forwards