Sunday, 19 April 2015

Making progress?

Am really trying hard to turn my life around. I read my diaries from previous years and am still stuck in the same destructive cycle that I can almost predict what my diary will say!
So I have been going to a knitting club that I'm really enjoying and it is lovely to meet other ladies that enjoy knitting too. I have picked up some tips and have been persuaded to make something for me.
Next Sunday I am going to do a days painting art class and although I'm nervous I'm going to try and enjoy myself. I have never painted before and am sure my efforts will probably look nothing like they should do but it doesn't matter as it's about getting out and meeting people and trying new things.
Last night I went to a play at a local church and I must admit it wasn't easy. In a room full of people I felt so lonely so that kind of tells me that that is not for me. I saw some people raft I used to go to church with and they ignored me which was not nice but I'm going to move on from that.
I've booked tickets to go to Newark festival to see Boyzone in June and have a holiday booked for July.
I saw a notice for back to netball classes in May so might give that a go.
I need to move on with my life and get out there. Things can only get better,

Sunday, 12 April 2015


Thought I'd got through the night relatively unscathed after having a really distressing nightmare and waking up disorientated in a wet bed. I managed to have a shower, change my bed and do my dressings quite quickly.
I have recollections of holding scissors but nothing more. After speaking to the night crisis team as I felt agitated and unsettled I got up to go to the toilet and was covered in blood. My pyjamas and bed were soaked and I discovered I have stabbed myself in my stomach with the scissors.
The shocking thing is that I don't remember doing it and I feel numb. The pain just isn't there. How can I stab myself and not know about it? I gate it when I disassociate and it is so scary.
One day I am going to really hurt myself and I just feel that no one is listening. I have been asking for a medication review for months and can only get an appointment for 2 weeks time but I have been waiting ages for it.
What have I got to do to myself before someone finally listens? One of these days I will cut too deep or do something really stupid. I'm afraid of what I am capable of and how little control I have over it.
I normally come round after disassociating and find myself in places I can't remember going to or with cuts I don't remember doing but I think tonight I just curled up in bed and that time between disassociating and being aware of my actions wasn't clear. Did I fall asleep?
Now I've got the walk of shame again to go to my GP to get this cut looked at. I just feel so stupid and wish I could stop it and have more control.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015


Had a weird day and a night with no sleep at all. My head is just spinning and I can't switch off but for some reason am beginning to feel that there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and some hope.
This morning started so badly. I had a meeting and had to park in town. I tried to pay for parking at a machine but it wasn't working so I left a note on my car to explain. When I came out after the meeting I had a bloody parking ticket and was livid. A man walked past me as I took the ticket from my window screen and we had a brief conversation about what had happened. He was dressed smartly in a suit and for the first time in a long time I felt normal and comfortable talking to a stranger. We laughed at my bad luck and he went on his way but the simple exchange stayed with me throughout the day. He spoke to me normally without judgement and prejudice and I didn't feel threatened or challenged but uplifted by our friendly banter. I will probably never see him again and can't even remember what he looked like but in some way he gave me confidence that I can be normal. Sounds weird I know!
Have had a lot of time to think lately. 2 spells in hospital and hours of waiting around and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do two things pretty quickly. I need to take better care of myself and look after my well being. That includes eating more, drinking more and exercising when I am well enough. I need to try and get more rest and to stop feeling guilty when I need to take time out to get better. Secondly, I need to start reconnecting with people again and to trust that I have the ability to do that. I found out about a knitting group that meets monthly and also an art school that does day classes, so I am going to try and go to both. By doing things I enjoy I might be able to meet like minded people and to start building a few more friendships. I tried to find a book club where I have moved to and can't find one so I might put an ad in the local library to see if any other people are interested in setting a local one up.
The more I hide and stay away from people, the more lonely I am going to feel. My children are older now and I need to think of me more. I need to trust again and to let others be there for me sometimes. This is a big shift in my thinking and in some ways is more positive than I've been for ages. Maybe you do have to reach rock bottom before you can find a way back up again?