Bad night = Bad day

The sun is shining and that is supposed to make you feel happy and alive but I am just so tired that I don't know what to do with myself.
I spent 2 hours stuck in the bathroom last night - everything was so loud and so bright. I could hear him, smell him and the pictures in my head flicked from eerie shadows to clear images - his menacing face mocking me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. Just stuck there in the middle of the night. I could smell the urine as I wet myself and could do nothing to stop it.
Coming round in such a mess on the bathroom floor is just so hard. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting, weak and pathetic. All I can do is to try to make sense of it and to ground myself which is just not easy when senses are taking over.
I didn't get back to sleep at all and still got up at 8 and went to work. A day full of meetings has taken its toll and I'm exhausted but scared to go to bed. How will I cope if the same happens again tonight? As the sun fades I'm feeling lower and lower - dreading the inevitable nightmare
I'm on my own tonight and feeling overwhelmed.

Take a walk in my shoes

Overdosed

Not a good title to a post or a good thing to do but Friday evening I had had enough. I picked up all my medication and took a cocktail of everything I have. Saturday came round very quickly and I was dull and sluggish. I remember talking to my cpn at some point on Friday and her saying I was sounding very sedated - I must have done a good job of fobbing her off.
Yesterday I managed to go to my brother's barbeque but I did.t know anyone there and I made small ralk for a while before going home.
Then back to the meds - they had worked so well the night before and my head is in a crap place right now. However I know its dangerous and not a game I should be playing - 'How many pills does it take to knock me out?' 'Which combination works best?' Got a horrible feeling I didn't even think about how much paracetamol and think tramadol has paracetamol in it too = oh well, too late now.
I just don't really care.
Stupid thing is that I'm off on holiday this week and I've been looking forward to it. Where has that fight gone?

100th Post!

So this is my 100th post. Only seems like yesterday that I started writing my blog.
I'm not sure it helps but it's interesting to read back and helps me to see patterns in my behaviour and how I'm thinking when I'm struggling.
Been to the dentist today and I find it really triggering. I needed root canal treatment and he took ages to do it. My head was spinning and I thought I was going to be sick.
When I got back to my car I could hardly walk and just went straight home and went to bed. I slept all afternoon. Something so small can just exhaust me.
Feeling numb now and know I need to eat and take care of myself but haven't got the energy.
I feel that I should do something special for my 100th post but it's not going to happen lol x

So true

Quetiapine

Have just been reading the side effects for quetiapine and although I'm only on a low dose I have definately been feeling much worse since taking the medication.
My psych wants me to cut it down to taking it every other day but I think I might just stop taking it altogether. I am feeling much more suicidal and that is reflected in my recent posts. I need to listen to how I'm feeling.
Tonight I have a knot in my stomach and I'm just feeling so unsettled. It's like I don't care anymore. There is a part of me that is in self destruct and my head is in a terrible place. I go on holiday a week on Thursday and want to go in one piece. I already have stitches in my wrist and its going to be hard to hide the scar on holiday. I've been wearing long sleeved tops and so far noone has noticed.
There is a massive part of me that wants to ask for help and I need to be safe. If that means going into hospital then I'm kind of ok about that even though I know I would hate it.
I've managed to go to work but I'm struggling - just bouncing from one visit to the next, not keeping on top of admin and not really engaging with anything. I just sat in my car today feeling so lost and ended up colouring in a colouring book just to try and ground me and keep me in the present.
I was supposed to be going out tonight but didn't go. I'm not feeling very strong and curling up away from the world seems like the best option.
Its true that when we need others the most we push them away. I don't trust anyone and am feeling so alone.

So far so good

It's been a hard weekend but so far so good - I can do this!
I've spent most of the weekend sleeping but have managed to mow the lawn and do some tidying up outside and have tidied up all of downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. I read an article about positive self talk earlier and am going to try to follow the advice and every time I think something negative about myself I'm going to try and challenge it with a positive thought. I'm not dirty and disgusting - the people that have hurt me are.
I use positive self talk a lot to get myself out of situations and to enable me to do things like shopping when I'm in a panic. After a nightmare I tell myself that I'm safe and no one can hurt me. I often say over and over 'I can do this' It does help. I have never tried to bounce off negative thoughts though and can really see the benefit of doing that - will let you know how it goes.
I've got a busy week coming up that I'm not looking forward to. I need to talk to my GP about supporting me when I'm in a mess and I have a meeting with my CPN.
I'm going on holiday a week on Thursday so have something positive to look forward to - 2 weeks of relaxing with my girls and sunshine.

Disassociating

Don't really remember much about last night. Had a nightmare and a wet bed and despite the sound mat and other barriers I have put in place I still managed to get into the kitchen and pick up a knife.
Luckily I came round. It was cold and I had knocked the dogs drinking water everywhere.
I rang the crisis team in a panic - I feel so sorry for the lady on the other end. She couldn't understand what I was saying but stayed with me and calmed me down. She made me concentrate on my breathing and told me not to talk. We then explored what I could do next and how to stay safe. She made sure I was out of the kitchen.
Today I just feel exhausted and have so much to do but no energy. I need to cut my lawn and maybe the fresh air will do me good. I need to get motivated.
Still have that horrible feeling that I want to curl up and die and I can't shake it. I'm on my own today which isn't good. Need to keep busy and distracted.

Maybe this weekend?

I have to face the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling suicidal. Plans are going round and round in my head and I go over and over them.
I know that my children love me and they would be completely lost without me but I just can't shake off the belief that I would be better off dead.
The struggle and the pain just gets worse and nighttime nightmares are sneaking into daytime panics more and more. I've been getting stuck in my car most days and it it hard. Today I just lost it in my car and wet myself. It just felt like the end of the world and I wanted to curl up and die.
I am just finding it harder and harder to feel connected and I am numb and lost.
Today I saw my psychiatrist today and he wants me to stay on my medication even though I'm struggling more in the day and my self harm is out of control. He did agree to me finally having a CPN and I really like her so hopefully things should be better. /I have got to ring my GP and get them to agree to a crisis plan so I can get help when I need it without having to get through the receptionists.
Have just gor to try and keep going.

Crap week

Having a crap week so far. Monday I went to give blood and was treated badly as I have scars on my wrist. There was no need to point them out and ask me how I had done them. Then go and get other nurses just to check I was ok to give blood - are mental health patients not ok to give their blood? Might it infect them?
Then on Tuesday I passed out probably from giving the blood and embarrassed myself whilst at a school. I knew I was going to faint and nearly managed to get to the toilet before I blacked out. I cut my arm all the way down in the process. Then my manager told me off for something I hadn't done and really pissed me off.
I had trauma therapy that leaves me unsettled in the new building. There are lots of bad memories in that building and it does trigger me. Am not seeing him for a while which is good. He talked about having a multi agency meeting to discuss my care as he thinks my risk is too high at the moment and I'm not getting the right support. Hopefully this time I can go to the meeting.
Yesterday I was so unsettled and had a flashback at lunchtime. I rang the duty MH team and spoke to the duty worker who told me to ring back when I was calmer! Duh that's what I need you for, to calm me down and help me to focus and stay safe. So I rang my GP surgery and was too distressed that I couldn't get past the receptionist. There were no appointments available.
I sat in my car and cried, then time just went and it was 1am. I had cut my wrist badly. I ended up at A&E and they patched me up. I didn't want to speak to anyone - they can't help me. So now I am home and feeling frightened and overwhelmed. Ask me again if I'm feeling suicidal and I might give you the right answer?

Reasons to get better

Looking back at the last 10 years I have gone from one crisis to the next. It's like I'm on a roller coaster and I can't get off. I feel like my life is one big Ferris wheel. I start at the bottom and work really hard to try and turn my life around only to end up right back at the bottom again.
The cogs in the wheel that hold me up are my children, my job, the nurses at my GP practice, my GP, MHT, therapists and the crisis team. I need them to keep me going.
I should have friends and family in the cogs but I don't really have any. I'm too good at being independent and pushing people away. My mental health scares people, especially when they see my scars.
I do have reasons to keep going and to keep trying. I need to get off the roller coaster.
The main reasons are:-

• I can't let the people that have hurt me win
• I love my children and want the best for them
• I want to see my grandchildren
• I want to be at my children's weddings
• I deserve better 
• I want to be happy
• There is still so much I want to see and do in my life

I just can't give in. Lots of wonderful people have given their time and energy to be there for me so I must be worth it. I know they are just doing their job but I really appreciate all that they do. If I can get stronger it will all have been worth it.

Trouble is how do you shut your head up? My head is full of images that are so painful. Will they ever ho away? I am so tired. I need to remember the good things in my life and try to keep moving forward. I need a Ferris wheel that only goes up and up.

What was I thinking?

Had a really hard day yesterday and put myself and my daughter at risk. I need to learn from my mistakes and not go there again.
I had a bad night on Friday night and didn't have much sleep. I needed to take a lorazepam to calm me down. I already have a cut wrist and didn't want to hurt myself more.
Then I got up and drove to Manchester to pick my daughter up from university. By the time I got there I felt heavy and sluggish. I could hardly talk or co-ordinate my movements. I lay down for a bit and we went for something to eat which helped.
After loading the car up I started to drive back home but I just couldn't mentally follow my sat nav. We got lost going round and round manchester. In the end my daughter took charge and told me when to turn etc and we finally made it home.
I got out of the car and went straight to bed absolutely shattered. I fell asleep with my clothes on.
I shouldn't have driven back as I wasn't in a good place to drive. I was exhausted and my daughter doesn't drive. Waiting till this morning would have been better.
Sometimes I don't listen to my body and I set myself impossible goals. Yesterday was too much and I should have waited. Luckily no one was hurt and we got back ok.
I do that at work. When I've been up all night I still go to work and I try to carry on. Is that another form of self harm? I'm not sure. I hate letting people down but I also don't like my actions putting others at risk.
Yesterday was not a good day and I'm going to rest today

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Mischief in my head

Really struggling tonight and there is mischief in my head. It's like I know I'm heading for a fall or something major.
All day I've been dicing with danger. I've picked up knives, rope, tablets etc and my head has screamed as I've driven my car to pull out or drive off the road.
I've made my room as safe as possible but my head is spinning. I know it's going to be hard to get through the night in one piece.
Can't be bothered to ring anyone for help as they can't help me.
Just wish my head would shut up

Self Harm

I hate it when I hurt myself especially when I cut my wrists. That is my signal that things have got too bad and I'm not coping very well at all
When the emotional pain gets too much I just snap and then hate it so much when I harm myself. People notice my cuts and they get harder to explain to simple accidents. There is such a stigma around self harm and people don't understand that I don't do it for attention but it's more a response to overwhelming emotional pain
Turning that pain into physical pain makes it easier to cope with and it's a pain I know will eventually go.
Often I don't know I've hurt myself and to come round to blood everywhere is scary. One day I will hurt myself so badly that there will be no going back.
I just can't explain what happens. I don't understand why I do what I do or what it would take for it to stop. Why do I do what I do? I wish I could stop it and be normal
I don't want to hurt myself and I want to be able to move on with my life in a healthy way.
Please don't judge me or others that hurt themselves. The scars remind me of all my pain and I don't want any more
I try distraction techniques and when I'm not distressed or disassociating they work well but at times it all just goes out of the window