Saturday, 16 July 2016

Suicidal thoughts

My head is like a washing machine at the moment. So many thoughts racing round and round. It's hard to make sense of them or to comprehend where they come from.
Suicidal thoughts hit me out of the blue throughout the day. When I'm driving my car my head screams to pull out or to drive off the road and I have to scream back 'NO'
In the kitchen the knives shout at me and whenever I pick up a glass I have an urge to smash it and cut myself. Taking tablets or being near the medicine drawer is just so tempting and I have to double check what I'm doing.
I think the hardest one for me at the moment is the fact that I now live nearer to the train station and there are a few train crossings that I either walk over or drive over daily. My mind quickly goes to jumping in front of the train and the troubling thing is that it doesn't frighten me but a strange calm comes over me when I think about ending my life.
In the bath I put my head under the water to wet my hair and had thoughts of staying under and then thought about cutting my wrists.
I'm sure it's not normal to have such intrusive suicidal thoughts and I'm not really sure how honest I should be about it with my cpn or psych. I'm not taking any meds at the moment and wonder if I should but some meds make my suicidal thoughts worse. Plus I am very sensitive to medication and get lots of side effects.
I'm not sure if I want to die or not. I certainly don't want to hurt my family but really think that everyone would be better off without me anyway as I'm so stupid and such a pain. Everyone gets fed up with me especially from the mental health services.
I rang the crisis team last night when I was struggling and was told I shouldn't ring so often and should take more responsibility for my own actions. The fact that I was struggling and couldn't breathe after a bad nightmare and wet bed didn't seem to make a difference. I felt like a naughty school girl being told off for asking for help. No one listened to me as a child so why should they now. That kind of approach is very triggering for me. Let's hope I don't need to ring tonight.