Update

Wow, it seems ages since I last posted on here. I lost my account details and couldn't log on after having my IPad crash

Have finally managed to reinstate it and can begin to post again. It's been hard to read old posts today and feel the pain of my journey.

So, I'm still alive and fighting on. Still struggling and waiting for trauma therapy to be effective. Nights are still hard but I have not been back in hospital for over a year. I lost my driving licence and managed to get it back after a fight. I have had 4 Cpns in a year and finally have Jim, who I seem to be getting on with better.

Will post more later in the week 

To my children

This is probably not an easy letter to write but it's one that has been waiting to be written for a while now and I hope it helps you to understand just where my head is and how I am feeling.
As a Mum I don't think I can be prouder of my children and all you have achieved or love you any more than I do. You are my everything and have been my reason to keep going for so long now. Without you all I simply would not be alive now.
However I've noticed lately that there has been a change in how I feel about staying alive to save you the pain and heart ache of losing me. A couple of times recently you have all commented about how my mental health affects you. Laura, you invited me on holiday to meet Anthony's family earlier this year and then cancelled those plans as you were not sure how his family would cope if I was not well. Megan, you said that you would not be able to follow your dreams and career opportunities as you were obliged to be around for me as I don't cope very well when you leave and that you would have to stay in Nottingham even though you don't want to and Adam, you have been distant and I hardly hear from you. You said you can't cope when I'm not well.
So my poor mental health is having an impact on your aspirations, relationships and how you live your lives. I am simply not the Mum that you really want to have around and I let you down. I hate it that you all worry about me and that you feel that you should miss opportunities so you can be there for me. It makes me feel that I let you down.
My life hurts and I just feel empty and numb. Giving in has never been the answer while I had all of you to think about but you have your own lives now and really don't need me. I can't think of one good thing (apart from Christmas and Birthday presents) that I bring to your lives. I cause you pain and heartache.
The thought of being still with no racing thoughts, self hatred and overwhelming feelings of helplessness just seems to be the right answer. I am not abandoning you but I'm giving you the chance to live your lives without a Mum who holds you back and hurts you. I want to be free of my pain and be at peace. It is the best thing for me and you all of you.
You know that I love you and have sacrificed so much so that you have the best start in life that you can, well now is your time to keep going and to be happy and successful. I am no longer a good part of your lives

Crisis team yet again

I had a bad experience ringing the crisis team last week and now I'm feeling scared to ring them but know I probably need to.
Last week when I was really struggling and on alert with the team I got the response "you have been told to stop using services so much and to start taking responsibility for your own actions" which shocked me as I had been told to ring for support whenever I needed to.
Sometimes people don't realise just how much their words can affect you - I feel frightened to ring but know I have got to the stage where I'm likely to hurt myself.
I disassociated earlier and found myself downstairs but can't remember getting there. I feel unsettled and agitated. Talking to someone will ground me and help me to settle and probably sleep - why is everything so complicated?

Still fighting

Had a bad weekend and ended up curling up in bed. Sometimes that is the safest way to give in.
I've used the crisis team once in 2 weeks after being spoken to so badly. I really hate ringing them now but I do need support to ground myself in the night.
I finally sent off another application for Persinal Independence Payment so will have to see how that goes. My friend Kathy helped me and she gets it. I had to write what it is like on my worse day which was very triggering. Not looking forward to the assessment.
My abscess is still sore and last week I had to go to A& E to get it looked at. They gave me gas and air to repack it. Now it needs doing again and I guess I just need to sort it myself as usual.
I'm trying to keep busy and to go out and about but it isn't easy when you feel like rubbish. My new puppy is helping to get me out on her walks.
My cpn is off for 2 weeks now so nothing will happen in terms of going for therapy but I just give in.

You never stop being a mum

My children are 28. 24 and 20 now and I'm beginning to wonder if there is ever a time when you can stop worrying about them, having to take them to places and don't have to pay for them anymore!
This weekend all I've done is take and pick up my daughter to places and I am so skint that I can't afford food until I get paid on Friday. I still pay for my children's mobile phones - I think something needs to change.
Surely by now I should have some freedom and my money should be mine. I don't think there is ever a time when you are a Mum that you can retire!
My children ring me for advice, always want things and in a lot of ways it's good that they know they can but sometimes I just need a break! 

Suicidal thoughts

My head is like a washing machine at the moment. So many thoughts racing round and round. It's hard to make sense of them or to comprehend where they come from.
Suicidal thoughts hit me out of the blue throughout the day. When I'm driving my car my head screams to pull out or to drive off the road and I have to scream back 'NO'
In the kitchen the knives shout at me and whenever I pick up a glass I have an urge to smash it and cut myself. Taking tablets or being near the medicine drawer is just so tempting and I have to double check what I'm doing.
I think the hardest one for me at the moment is the fact that I now live nearer to the train station and there are a few train crossings that I either walk over or drive over daily. My mind quickly goes to jumping in front of the train and the troubling thing is that it doesn't frighten me but a strange calm comes over me when I think about ending my life.
In the bath I put my head under the water to wet my hair and had thoughts of staying under and then thought about cutting my wrists.
I'm sure it's not normal to have such intrusive suicidal thoughts and I'm not really sure how honest I should be about it with my cpn or psych. I'm not taking any meds at the moment and wonder if I should but some meds make my suicidal thoughts worse. Plus I am very sensitive to medication and get lots of side effects.
I'm not sure if I want to die or not. I certainly don't want to hurt my family but really think that everyone would be better off without me anyway as I'm so stupid and such a pain. Everyone gets fed up with me especially from the mental health services.
I rang the crisis team last night when I was struggling and was told I shouldn't ring so often and should take more responsibility for my own actions. The fact that I was struggling and couldn't breathe after a bad nightmare and wet bed didn't seem to make a difference. I felt like a naughty school girl being told off for asking for help. No one listened to me as a child so why should they now. That kind of approach is very triggering for me. Let's hope I don't need to ring tonight.

Why keep fighting?

I saw my cpn and psychiatrist today and they have changed their mind about me going to Khiron House. All of a sudden they want me to go to The Retreat in York and would not listen when I explained why I couldn't go there. It is a 10 month program and I am a teacher and go to work. There is no way I can leave my job for 10 months. I could probably get unpaid leave but how do I pay my mortgage and other outgoings? It is just not realistic for me at all.
I tried to explain why I wanted to go to Khiron ?House. How I liked the program and the fact that there are a smaller number of patients. It is entirely trauma based which is what I need.
The main concern is my safety at night but my safety is no different there to at home. How come it is ok for me to be on my own at home. I don't get any extra support.
I think that if I am getting support during the day then my nights might be better anyway. It is worth a try.
However it seems that it is not to be and that is a shame. I don't know of any other places that I can go to that would help and enable me to keep my job. I really don't know why I bother to keep fighting. It's just not worth it