Hurting

Can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since I last posted. My daughter is due to come home next week and time gas gone so quickly.

Such a lot has happened while she has been away. Mostly quite negative and it's had a huge impact on my life.

My PTSD has been really bed. I kind of acknowledge that my children flying the nest is a huge trigger for me and led to my last real breakdown in 2011. In March I hit a really bad time and was so suicidal. When I look back now I don't think I realised how dangerously low and impulsive I had become and my whole perception of how I thought I was coping was not based on reality. It was like I was on auto destruct and my hand was firmly on the self destruct button. I had no regard for the people around me and my tunnel vision led me to several attempts at taking my own life. 

I actually jumped in the river - something I never thought I would do as it was my safe place but one cold miserable night I did. The wall of cold hit me as soon as I entered the water and I managed to scramble to the bank. I was so lucky. I lost my favourite pair of shoes though! The crisis team were wonderful that night, staying on the phone and calming me down.

This was followed by 2 trips to hospital to be stitched up after stabbing myself again and then I started taking overdoses........

The last overdose ended up with me going to A&E and being treated and then being discharged. I got into my car and tried to drive home but crashed half way home. The impact of the crash means that I have no recollection of what happened and to this day have 2 days of my life missing. My car was written off and I'm still trying to sort out a new one. It's horrible not having a car and I've also let the dvla know about my PTSD, the accident and subsequent admission. I'm waiting to hear if I can keep my licence. It will be a blow if I can't but also a wake up call that I need to sort my life out. I've discovered that buses make me sick so that is no good.

After the crash I was admitted to an acute mental heslth ward. It was horrible and so frightening. I can't really say anything changed while I was there apart from still being alive. I did some jigsaws, knitting, colouring, watched people ho on fag breaks and queued up for medication. Night times were bad an the staff had little understanding of trauma but maybe that should be another post.

The good thing was that I finally went for an assessment at Khiron House in Oxfordshire. This is a specialist trauma centre and I really hoped they could help me. The assessment was gentle but very thorough and I felt that I'd finally found somewhere that could help. We decided that the timing wasn't right as I was too high risk at present due to there being no staff cover at night times. However I'm hopeful that I can access their support in the future - something to look forward to and work towards.

They recommended some therapists in my area to start doing the work with me and I've had one session so far.

I am trying to get back to work after finally being discharged from the hospital but it is not easy. My head is still not able to concentrate and stay focused but I'm trying to build ip the time slowly. My colleagues have been as understanding as usual with no cards, get well wishes or flowers - even after being in hospital for 6 weeks but I know that there is a stigma with mental health and it can be frightening. People don't want to say the wrong thing. It was very hard walking back into work on the first day but it is getting easier.

I'm still not looking after myself very well. My weight is the lowest it has been for 27 years and my abscess is not healing. I was back in hospital this week after it seemingly healed over and then burst again in 2 places this time! It is very painful and I have large antibiotics to take.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt me though is the reaction of people you trust and have let into your life. It's true that when times are tough you really know who your friends are but it's more than that and that doesn't even scratch the surface. There are people that I felt comfortable to let into the crazy world of me and that takes hell of a lot of trust, time and effort. It's like finding a kindred spirit only to find that they are not on the same page and that comes as a shock. Having things that I've managed to open up about thrown back at me and being accused of being selfish and triggering, when actually I was not well really cuts deep. Never again will I be able to open up to a friend about how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life, without worrying about should I? I'm not a bad person but I don't always get it right and I would genuinely do anything for my friends. My default can come across as glib when I really feel,out of my depth but that doesn't mean I don't care. I guess the saying that some people stay in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a lifetime. I had just hoped that this friend was there for the long run and I had even wanted them to be part of my family. I am hurting and there is a hole in my heart but that hole will fill harder and stronger and never again will I let myself be vulnerable and hurt.

Time to move on - it's not easy but I'm determined. When the chips are down it is just me and I'm going to fight. There will be stumbling blocks on the way but I will get to Oxford, I will drive again, I will get back to work properly and when I'm ready I will meet new friends. Until then I'm going to cherish my daughter with so Manu hugs and kisses when she comes back next week and hopefully we can go on a last minute holiday somewhere warm to catch up and relax.

Feeling poorly

Same old crap again, my abscess on my stomach is sore and infected and I feel poorly :-(
I saw my GP today who took a swab and told me to start taking antibiotics if I feel any worse.
She still hasn't had a notification from my new psychiatrist about my new medication and all the tests that she wants to be done. I saw her 2 weeks ago and I know it has been Christmas but it still doesn't seem good enough
I wanted to start my new meds while I was on holiday from work in case they have side affects that aren't nice. I know they can make you feel sick and give you a head ache. Maybe I need to ring tomorrow?
The crisis team have been quite helpful over the last few nights but it seems to be the same old thing over and over and I'm sure they must get fed up of me. I'm not going to stop ringing though as I want to get the referral for the in-patient trauma therapy done and if I go quiet it will not happen.

Sleeping sickness

Nights have continued to be a problem. Rang the crisis team a few nights ago only to be told to read a book - I just wanted to laugh 'that's where I've gone wrong all these years' I don't keep a book on the bathroom floor to read when I'm in a mess. As if - it just made me feel stupid and pathetic
I won't be ringing for help again any time soon.
I have a water infection and am in a lot of pain. I saw my GP today and she gave me some antibiotics. When I got home I went upstairs at 10am and my daughter woke me up at 5pm. I was fast asleep. I feel a lot stronger after sleeping, so I obviously needed it but had hoped to sort my garden out today. It can wait till tomorrow.
My daughter has just announced that she is leaving home and that is sad but I'm glad that she is getting on with her life and is happy. I need to try to get on with my life. I was supposed to go to knitting club today and I know I would have enjoyed it but finding the thought of meeting people in a pub a bit hard. I know once I go I will be fine but it just seems one step too far right now.
It's late and I need to go to bed - feel sick at the thought of it. Not feeling very strong to deal with nightmares right now and keeping myself safe is doing my head in. I just want to be normal

Night crisis team

Am in such a bad place and have just got off the phone to the crisis team. Aargh I just feel like screaming, what bit of "help I'm struggling" don't you understand
I've cut my wrist and I'm bleeding but have no recollection of doing so, I'm scared and frightened. I can't look after me right now. I'm not safe. Please listen to me
How many times do I ask for help? Not many but I know when I'm struggling. I know when I've reached the edge. I know when enough is enough and I need help.
I'm trying to write this to ground myself and to try and calm down but as I type I'm shaking, crying and I can't breathe. What can I do? Where can I go?
I feel so alone and scared. Inside I'm just hurting so much and there's no one to help me make it stop. I am not stupid, I know there is not much you can do but maybe try listening and acknowledging what I'm saying. Try showing me that you care and want to help. Stay with me for a few minutes to calm my breathing. Talk through my coping. I can't do this on my own, my head is all over the place and is screaming for me to run. Running is not safe. When I run I disassociate and anything can happen but how do I just stay here? I try to tell myself I can do this, I'm safe and no one can hurt me. Come on, keep going, you can do this.
Why let him win? This is so hard and I need help. Please help me.

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Disassociating

Thought I'd got through the night relatively unscathed after having a really distressing nightmare and waking up disorientated in a wet bed. I managed to have a shower, change my bed and do my dressings quite quickly.
I have recollections of holding scissors but nothing more. After speaking to the night crisis team as I felt agitated and unsettled I got up to go to the toilet and was covered in blood. My pyjamas and bed were soaked and I discovered I have stabbed myself in my stomach with the scissors.
The shocking thing is that I don't remember doing it and I feel numb. The pain just isn't there. How can I stab myself and not know about it? I gate it when I disassociate and it is so scary.
One day I am going to really hurt myself and I just feel that no one is listening. I have been asking for a medication review for months and can only get an appointment for 2 weeks time but I have been waiting ages for it.
What have I got to do to myself before someone finally listens? One of these days I will cut too deep or do something really stupid. I'm afraid of what I am capable of and how little control I have over it.
I normally come round after disassociating and find myself in places I can't remember going to or with cuts I don't remember doing but I think tonight I just curled up in bed and that time between disassociating and being aware of my actions wasn't clear. Did I fall asleep?
Now I've got the walk of shame again to go to my GP to get this cut looked at. I just feel so stupid and wish I could stop it and have more control.

Night time help

Had a few bad nights this week. Just been feeling really unsettled and my nightmares are bad. Think the wet beds have got me down as I have 2 abscesses that I need to repack after I've had a shower and sorted my bed out and they are really painful.
I have finally created a safe place in my new house, a wardrobe in my bedroom! I cleared it out and put a soft throw, cushions and a night light in it. Am going to add some sandalwood essential oil to make it smell nice in there. It has helped having an enclosed space to snuggle in and has reminded me of a space I used to hide in when I was little.
I rang the crisis team one night this week. I couldn't breathe and my senses were in overdrive. Jenna stayed on the phone with me for over half an hour and really calmed me down. She was brilliant and I felt so supported. I cried and was really upset. I hate it when I can't cope.
Have 3 hospital appointments this week so maybe I might get some answers as to why I keep getting these abscesses. I hope so.

Dear Crisis Team

Dear Crisis Team
To the crappy person at the end of the telephone tonight I would really like to scream a few things at you
You didn't listen to me
You didn't calm me down when I needed you to
You didn't follow the crisis plan that I have written especially for times like tonight
You didn't understand that I'm frightened
You didn't help me to plan how I'm going to get through the rest of tonight
You didn't care
You made me feel stupid
You left me feeling overwhelmed and so agitated
The call made me feel worse
My skin crawls
I can feel, smell and hear him and my skin crawls
I just want to curl up and die and I just needed you to stay with me for 5 minutes to calm me down and make me feel like I am not alone
Is that too much to ask?

Scared

I'm scared tonight - I have mischief in my head and am feeling agitated and impulsive.
I picked up a knife earlier and ran it over my wrist - I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off!
I haven't got any medication to help and know I can ring the crisis team but in reality what does that change? Nothing - there is nothing they can do to help
Better try to get to sleep, I have an important meeting at work tomorrow
Just wish my head would shut up

Update

This week I have seen my therapist and my psychiatrist. I must admit I wasn't really looking forward to the appointments as I thought they might throw the book at me and lock me up! However they went really well and I finally feel more supported and understood.
I saw my therapist on Thursday and he found it amusing that I had challenged my psychiatrist about my diagnosis. He always tries to encourage me to be my own therapist and we talked over current events and my actions. He understood that I was disassociating a lot more and was also able to explain the anxiety around shopping. Before I see him in 2 weeks time I have to try a plan to get me able to go shopping again. I feel anxious about that but am going to try and challenge my comfort zone little by little.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he admitted that he was worried about me and felt I was a high risk of hurting myself badly and unintentional suicide. We agreed a crisis plan so that I know the support is there when I need it. I can ask for a crisis admission to hospital at any time and can also have better access to lorazepam. The crisis team will no longer be able to tell me that I'm not open to them and should support me better.
Christmas is a hard time for me and I spoke to my ex husband in Thailand last week who dropped the bombshell that he is back next week. I am trying to not get wound up as he has said that before and hasn't arrived.
I'm tired and am looking forward to a break over Christmas. Tomorrow we are decorating the house which will be nice and will brighten things up.

I give up :-(

I'm really struggling at the moment and feel really low. I was supposed to have my first therapy session for months today and really needed it. However when I got there my therapist had gone home as I had been given the wrong time for the session. I was really upset.
It seems that I truly am alone at the moment. I hurt myself badly and ended up at the hospital. The psychiatrist wanted to keep me in and I agreed only to be told that there were no beds so I had to go home. They said someone would be in touch but no one has.
I rang the crisis team at the weekend when I was feeling unsettled and impulsive but was told that no one was available to talk and I wasn't currently open to the crisis team!
I have been ringing my cpn for weeks and she never rings me back.
So it's just me. My self harm is bad, I haven't been able to go to the supermarket for weeks and am missing so much time from work. I have a hole in my side that I have to pack and dress every day but I often use a blade and make it bleed and the hole get bigger. I need the pain to keep me from doing something stupid.
Nights are crap and I'm tired. Really don't know how much longer I can keep going - it's not worth it.

Stuck in the car

I left work on Friday and got in my car at 5pm. I'm not sure what it was, a song or the car that drove really close behind me but I started shaking and couldn't breathe. I pulled up at the side of the road and just couldn't move. The next I really remember it was 11.30pm and I was so cold. I rang the night crisis team and Fiona said she was busy and she would ring me back in 10 mins. It took her over an hour to get back to me and by that time I was just in tears and really frightened.
I spoke to her for a few minutes and said that I would try to get home. It took me another hour to get home, so it took me over 8 hours to get home from work.
I was so shaken and exhausted that I have spent the weekend mainly in bed. I haven't got dressed. I'm frightened to go to work tomorrow.
To top all that my husband has changed his current city on Facebook to Nottingham. That is so scary, I can't cope with him living in the same country as me, never mind the same city. I haven't been able to find out whether it is true or not , I'm too scared of the impact it will have if I knew he was down the road.
So I'm feeling very unsettled but I've managed to keep myself safe and haven't self harmed for weeks. I need to ring my GP back tomorrow as I was too busy on Friday - I'm not sure she can help me.

Crisis Team

I'm so cross with myself that I had to ring the crisis team today. I hate it when I get to a place that I know I'm not safe and I have to talk to someone to stop me doing something really stupid.
I've had 2 really bad nights with nightmares and soiled beds. I just couldn't calm down and could hear his voice so loudly. This morning I went swimming to try and calm down. However I felt just as unsettled after the swim.
Then I tried to go shopping to get some food for tonight as all my children were coming home for a roast dinner. I just froze in the shop. I felt that someone was behind me and could hear him so loudly. I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out.
I had to come home without any food and just cried. I was so angry with myself and picked up some scissors to hurt myself.
Instead of hurting myself I rang the crisis team and they calmed me down and we talked about how I could still provide a meal. Ordering a pizza is ok and not a sign of failure. Sometimes I just can't do it.
So I went to bed and slept I was so tired. When my children came home thy were fine about getting a pizza and we had a lovely night watching the X factor.
I need to learn to not be too hard on myself. I was exhausted and needed sleep and feel much calmer now.

Crap night

Had a really bad night last night. Woke up crying and shaking at about 2.30am and just couldn't ground myself. I could hear him and smell him and it just got louder and louder. Even in the shower I could still smell his sweaty body.
I finally rang the night crisis team after a couple of hours on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball. I was in the house on my own and too scared to move. I haven't self harmed for a while and just couldn't trust myself to move. My head was like a washing machine, thoughts whirring round and round.
Glen calmed me down and got me back into the bedroom but I couldn't go near my bed. Instead I curled up on the settee. I would be so lost without the night crisis team. He was so calm and supportive.
Today I feel tearful. I'm trying to keep busy and have been cleaning. I need to keep distracted until my daughters come home later.
I have to tell myself that I can do this.

Sunday

I woke up this morning feeling really unsettled with butterflies in my stomach. I stayed in bed a while and really vivid suicidal thoughts and plans invaded my head. I hate it when I feel like that. I wondered whether the medication has made my suicidal thoughts worse and did think about ringing the crisis team but kind of knew that they couldn't help me. I felt that a bad call would just set me back and not necessarily be helpful. It would be good to have someone to talk to when I feel like that as I get so overwhelmed and scared that my impulsivity will take over.
My daughter and I went to visit a gym and I cycled 1.5 miles, used the rowing machine and cross runner, then I swam 20 lengths. Afterwards I felt so much better until I was told that it was £60 a month to join the gym! I need to find a cheaper one.
I have lost 5lbs this week so far and have not had any chocolate for 8 days! I think I will feel much better if I am able to lose more weight and exercise more.
Tomorrow I am back at the hospital to have a needle biopsy of my neck - yuk! I'm not looking forward to that but do want my neck sorting out.
Hopefully tonight will be better after all today's exercise.

Feeling numb

Struggling a bit right now. I had an appointment yesterday at the Topaz Centre which is attached to a police station. If my husband does come back I wanted to know more about the process of making a statement to the police and getting an injunction to stop him coming near to me.
I feel really unsure about writing or doing a video interview about the rape. I needed to know how specific I needed to be and it seems that I would need to go through it minute by minute - what he did etc. That is so scary and so triggering. It was 12 years ago.
I was told that I would have to be sure and would not be able to say that some details might have been changed by the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. Also the defence would go through my medical records etc with a fine tooth comb and they would try to discredit me.It might not get as far as the crime prosecution service or go to court. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I would go to pieces if they didn't believe me or charge him. I have so much to lose. I don't thinking it is worth putting myself through all that but will wait and see what he does when he finally returns. At least I know more about the process and they said that they could help me.
Last night I just went to pieces and my nightmare was so vivid and loud. Fiona from the crisis team helped to calm me down but it took hours to get back to sleep and it was my first day back at work today. I am so tired. I'm so good at hiding how I am feeling and keeping smiling when inside I'm so numb.
I just hope tonight is better.

Night crisis team

Just spoken to the night crisis team. I really don't know what I would do without them. They listen and acknowledge how I'm feeling. No matter how often I call they don't judge me or make me feel like I shouldn't call them.
I think I would probably have killed myself months ago if it wasn't for this team of people. They know how to calm me down no matter how upset I am or how much I'm struggling.
The difference between them and the day crisis team is that they really try to listen and help me. They stay with me while I try to get out of the bathroom and up off the floor. They talk me through changing my bed and sorting myself out and they give me time and patience.
When I cry, shake and even hurt myself they don't panic but stay outside of the chaos and hold me till I'm calm enough to sort myself out.
They talk to me about my job and my family and try to bring me back into the here and now.
Most of all they encourage me and affirm that I can keep going. I really don't know where I would be without them.
It's so good how they stay with me and break everything down into small achievable steps but don't make me feel stupid when the steps just seem impossible at that moment.
I hope there will be a day soon that I won't need them anymore as I'm sure they must be so fed up of me. I can imagine staff meetings where they talk about the mad Julie that calls in the night and I know I must be so frustrating as it just never seems to change or get better. I'm like a broken record.
I'm so lucky to have Karen, Glen, Dave and Prakash at the end of the phone during the night. They're special people and I appreciate all that they do for me.