Trying hard not to give up

Kind of given in today and for the first time in a long time I didn't manage to go to work. I had a hard day yesterday after seeing my CPN and writing a crisis plan I just felt really unsettled.
Had the worse night I've had in ages and spent most of it curled up on the bathroom floor just paralyzed with fear. I could hear him, smell him, feel him and my skin crawled. The dim light in the bathroom was just so bright and the house noises loud and intrusive.
The night before I lost it and wrapped the cord from my vacuum cleaner round my neck and tried to trap the cord over the door All that happened was that I ended up with a sore neck and was traumatized by the fact that I'd gone there
This morning I froze in my bedroom I just couldn't go downstairs - in my head I just saw the vacuum cleaner and convinced myself that I was going to kill myself.
Eventually I rang the MHT and my CPN rang me straight back which is not like her - apparently I sounded hysterical on the phone when talking to the receptionist!!!
My CPN (who isn't actually my CPN but that is another story!) managed to calm me down and stayed on the phone while I slowly and tentatively went downstairs. I can remember saying 'I'm not going to kill myself am I?' It is so irrational when I look back but was really distressing at the time
I'm going to stay at home today and tomorrow and try to catch up on sleep. My CPN said I can ring the duty worker later but I don't think I will
I need to get some lorazepam but can't be bothered to talk my way past the receptionists. I am seeing the practice nurse later so am hoping she can help.
I am just so tired again and that makes me not think straight Everything is so overwhelming and yet again I don't feel safe. Cutting my wrists has always been a sign that things are not good but the last time I tried to hang myself I ended up in hospital for 3 months
There is still talk about an in-patient program but I won't know much about it until I see my therapist again

Junkie

Need a rant! Am turning into a drug addict or some kind of junkie and I really don't like it.
When I had my accident in Lanzarote the doctor gave me 4mg of lorazepam to take each day for the rest of the holiday. I normally have 5 1mg tablets to last a week. Foolishly I took them whilst I was away and they did help, probably more than I thought.
So I get back home and suddenly I have no tablets left and realise that I've got dependent on them. I ring my psychiatrist to be told that he is away on holiday for 2 weeks and no one else is available. Then I try to speak to the MHT but no one returns my call. Finally I speak to my GP, but one I don't know very well. He agrees to give me 1 mg a day for 7 days and I just took the prescription thinking that it was better than nothing. I've spent the last few days shaking and agitated. I can't sleep and have spent hours in my car throughout the night as it's the only place I feel safe.
I spoke to the crisis team throughout last night and she managed to get me home and told me to take 2 lorazepam and to go to bed. That is very well and good but what do I do when I run out again. I will have to beg for more. No one seems to be listening.
I'm happy to reduce the amount. I don't want to take that much but I can't just stop it overnight. I feel so emotional and frightened.
I suppose it's my fault for taking them but they got me through a bad time and I was safe. Seems that I can't win 😪

Bad nights

Saw my new cpn today and we talked about how much I am struggling.
I've been taking lorazepam to calm down when I have woken up at night and wondered whether to take it before I go to sleep to see if it makes a difference and stops the nightmares or helps me to sleep longer
Going to take 1mg before I go to sleep tonight and just hope it helps. I only have 7 tablets to last 2 weeks so they are a bit like gold dust!
If this doesn't work then I'm going to ask to see my psychiatrist - I need to do something

Update

This week I have seen my therapist and my psychiatrist. I must admit I wasn't really looking forward to the appointments as I thought they might throw the book at me and lock me up! However they went really well and I finally feel more supported and understood.
I saw my therapist on Thursday and he found it amusing that I had challenged my psychiatrist about my diagnosis. He always tries to encourage me to be my own therapist and we talked over current events and my actions. He understood that I was disassociating a lot more and was also able to explain the anxiety around shopping. Before I see him in 2 weeks time I have to try a plan to get me able to go shopping again. I feel anxious about that but am going to try and challenge my comfort zone little by little.
I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he admitted that he was worried about me and felt I was a high risk of hurting myself badly and unintentional suicide. We agreed a crisis plan so that I know the support is there when I need it. I can ask for a crisis admission to hospital at any time and can also have better access to lorazepam. The crisis team will no longer be able to tell me that I'm not open to them and should support me better.
Christmas is a hard time for me and I spoke to my ex husband in Thailand last week who dropped the bombshell that he is back next week. I am trying to not get wound up as he has said that before and hasn't arrived.
I'm tired and am looking forward to a break over Christmas. Tomorrow we are decorating the house which will be nice and will brighten things up.

Need help!

I'm struggling again. I've tried to ring my cpn 4 times today and the receptionist just says she will ring me back but I know she won't. She will ring me at 4pm on Friday like she always does when I've tried to contact her. I don't ring her very often so she should know that there is something wrong.
It makes me so angry, I don't expect her to drop everything and call me as I know that she is busy and has other patients but when you're struggling you need help and advice sooner rather than later and I wish I could just talk to the duty team and not just her. I get no benefit from having a care co-ordinator.
I spoke to my GP yesterday and she upped my sertraline to 200mg and gave me more lorazepam. She signed me off work for this week which doesn't really help me but I'm not in a good place to be at work. Night times are horrible and I'm struggling to get out of the house. I just shake and cry. I'm frightened of getting stuck in my car again. My GP told me to try and get out a little bit this week starting with short walks but I shake at the door. I really need some help. I'm ashamed to tell my family how I'm struggling and need to get back to work quickly. My life sucks.

Lamotrigine and Lorazepam

Having a bad week and still struggling. My GP prescribed me lamotrigine and gave me 4 lorazepam tablets to help calm me down in the middle of the night.
It is so difficult as they really help me and calm me down so I can get back to sleep but then I get to rely on them and have trouble getting any more. I have to talk to my GP on Friday and I don't want to beg for more lorazepam but I don't want to face the weekend without any. It is a slippery slope and I feel like a junkie begging for meds.
I lost 2lbs today on my diet and should be really proud of myself but I'm just craving chocolate lol and I'm so hungry. Am going to try and keep going with it. I swam 50 lengths again today.
I really don't know where to go for help and could probably do with more time off work - I had to take a day off on Monday as I was exhausted but I used my annual leave. I shouldn't have to do that.
I will ring my CPN tomorrow and see what she says.