Today I put up my Christmas tree and as usual it has been very triggering. I always say that next year I'm buying a new tree with new ornaments and not going through the emotions connected with old traditions.
However when it came to it I just couldn't do it. My children still like to see their Christmas tree with decorations we have collected over the years.
There are my babies first baubles which were so special when we bought them. I noticed that Adams has lost an eye and Laura's is looking worse for wear. Then there's the home made decorations that they made at nursery and school. I remember them proudly giving them to me, how can I not put them on the tree? We have collected tree decorations from all over the world. Some from America, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Prague, Cyprus etc all of which bring back memories of our time together as a family when the children were growing up. There are baubles from the millennium, the year before our family fell apart and I look at all these and think 'how can it have gone so wrong?' Lots of cherished memories tarnished by the actions of one person.
Then we have the decorations from after 'the event' they just don't seem right to be together, almost like it should be a new beginning. My children love looking at the tree and talking about their special decoration.
So tonight it's gone 2am and I can't sleep. I'm agitated and unsettled. I feel overwhelmed by all the emotions today has brought. Lots of sadness but also the anticipation of another Christmas and time to be together.
By doing what Bruce did he rubbished all my treasured memories. What I thought was special suddenly seems tainted and insignificant. Maybe next year I must get a new tree!