Hurting

Can't believe it's been nearly 5 months since I last posted. My daughter is due to come home next week and time gas gone so quickly.

Such a lot has happened while she has been away. Mostly quite negative and it's had a huge impact on my life.

My PTSD has been really bed. I kind of acknowledge that my children flying the nest is a huge trigger for me and led to my last real breakdown in 2011. In March I hit a really bad time and was so suicidal. When I look back now I don't think I realised how dangerously low and impulsive I had become and my whole perception of how I thought I was coping was not based on reality. It was like I was on auto destruct and my hand was firmly on the self destruct button. I had no regard for the people around me and my tunnel vision led me to several attempts at taking my own life. 

I actually jumped in the river - something I never thought I would do as it was my safe place but one cold miserable night I did. The wall of cold hit me as soon as I entered the water and I managed to scramble to the bank. I was so lucky. I lost my favourite pair of shoes though! The crisis team were wonderful that night, staying on the phone and calming me down.

This was followed by 2 trips to hospital to be stitched up after stabbing myself again and then I started taking overdoses........

The last overdose ended up with me going to A&E and being treated and then being discharged. I got into my car and tried to drive home but crashed half way home. The impact of the crash means that I have no recollection of what happened and to this day have 2 days of my life missing. My car was written off and I'm still trying to sort out a new one. It's horrible not having a car and I've also let the dvla know about my PTSD, the accident and subsequent admission. I'm waiting to hear if I can keep my licence. It will be a blow if I can't but also a wake up call that I need to sort my life out. I've discovered that buses make me sick so that is no good.

After the crash I was admitted to an acute mental heslth ward. It was horrible and so frightening. I can't really say anything changed while I was there apart from still being alive. I did some jigsaws, knitting, colouring, watched people ho on fag breaks and queued up for medication. Night times were bad an the staff had little understanding of trauma but maybe that should be another post.

The good thing was that I finally went for an assessment at Khiron House in Oxfordshire. This is a specialist trauma centre and I really hoped they could help me. The assessment was gentle but very thorough and I felt that I'd finally found somewhere that could help. We decided that the timing wasn't right as I was too high risk at present due to there being no staff cover at night times. However I'm hopeful that I can access their support in the future - something to look forward to and work towards.

They recommended some therapists in my area to start doing the work with me and I've had one session so far.

I am trying to get back to work after finally being discharged from the hospital but it is not easy. My head is still not able to concentrate and stay focused but I'm trying to build ip the time slowly. My colleagues have been as understanding as usual with no cards, get well wishes or flowers - even after being in hospital for 6 weeks but I know that there is a stigma with mental health and it can be frightening. People don't want to say the wrong thing. It was very hard walking back into work on the first day but it is getting easier.

I'm still not looking after myself very well. My weight is the lowest it has been for 27 years and my abscess is not healing. I was back in hospital this week after it seemingly healed over and then burst again in 2 places this time! It is very painful and I have large antibiotics to take.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt me though is the reaction of people you trust and have let into your life. It's true that when times are tough you really know who your friends are but it's more than that and that doesn't even scratch the surface. There are people that I felt comfortable to let into the crazy world of me and that takes hell of a lot of trust, time and effort. It's like finding a kindred spirit only to find that they are not on the same page and that comes as a shock. Having things that I've managed to open up about thrown back at me and being accused of being selfish and triggering, when actually I was not well really cuts deep. Never again will I be able to open up to a friend about how I'm feeling or what is going on in my life, without worrying about should I? I'm not a bad person but I don't always get it right and I would genuinely do anything for my friends. My default can come across as glib when I really feel,out of my depth but that doesn't mean I don't care. I guess the saying that some people stay in your life for a season, some for a reason and some for a lifetime. I had just hoped that this friend was there for the long run and I had even wanted them to be part of my family. I am hurting and there is a hole in my heart but that hole will fill harder and stronger and never again will I let myself be vulnerable and hurt.

Time to move on - it's not easy but I'm determined. When the chips are down it is just me and I'm going to fight. There will be stumbling blocks on the way but I will get to Oxford, I will drive again, I will get back to work properly and when I'm ready I will meet new friends. Until then I'm going to cherish my daughter with so Manu hugs and kisses when she comes back next week and hopefully we can go on a last minute holiday somewhere warm to catch up and relax.

Hope

Had a weird day and a night with no sleep at all. My head is just spinning and I can't switch off but for some reason am beginning to feel that there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and some hope.
This morning started so badly. I had a meeting and had to park in town. I tried to pay for parking at a machine but it wasn't working so I left a note on my car to explain. When I came out after the meeting I had a bloody parking ticket and was livid. A man walked past me as I took the ticket from my window screen and we had a brief conversation about what had happened. He was dressed smartly in a suit and for the first time in a long time I felt normal and comfortable talking to a stranger. We laughed at my bad luck and he went on his way but the simple exchange stayed with me throughout the day. He spoke to me normally without judgement and prejudice and I didn't feel threatened or challenged but uplifted by our friendly banter. I will probably never see him again and can't even remember what he looked like but in some way he gave me confidence that I can be normal. Sounds weird I know!
Have had a lot of time to think lately. 2 spells in hospital and hours of waiting around and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do two things pretty quickly. I need to take better care of myself and look after my well being. That includes eating more, drinking more and exercising when I am well enough. I need to try and get more rest and to stop feeling guilty when I need to take time out to get better. Secondly, I need to start reconnecting with people again and to trust that I have the ability to do that. I found out about a knitting group that meets monthly and also an art school that does day classes, so I am going to try and go to both. By doing things I enjoy I might be able to meet like minded people and to start building a few more friendships. I tried to find a book club where I have moved to and can't find one so I might put an ad in the local library to see if any other people are interested in setting a local one up.
The more I hide and stay away from people, the more lonely I am going to feel. My children are older now and I need to think of me more. I need to trust again and to let others be there for me sometimes. This is a big shift in my thinking and in some ways is more positive than I've been for ages. Maybe you do have to reach rock bottom before you can find a way back up again?