Had a weird day and a night with no sleep at all. My head is just spinning and I can't switch off but for some reason am beginning to feel that there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel and some hope.
This morning started so badly. I had a meeting and had to park in town. I tried to pay for parking at a machine but it wasn't working so I left a note on my car to explain. When I came out after the meeting I had a bloody parking ticket and was livid. A man walked past me as I took the ticket from my window screen and we had a brief conversation about what had happened. He was dressed smartly in a suit and for the first time in a long time I felt normal and comfortable talking to a stranger. We laughed at my bad luck and he went on his way but the simple exchange stayed with me throughout the day. He spoke to me normally without judgement and prejudice and I didn't feel threatened or challenged but uplifted by our friendly banter. I will probably never see him again and can't even remember what he looked like but in some way he gave me confidence that I can be normal. Sounds weird I know!
Have had a lot of time to think lately. 2 spells in hospital and hours of waiting around and I've come to the conclusion that I need to do two things pretty quickly. I need to take better care of myself and look after my well being. That includes eating more, drinking more and exercising when I am well enough. I need to try and get more rest and to stop feeling guilty when I need to take time out to get better. Secondly, I need to start reconnecting with people again and to trust that I have the ability to do that. I found out about a knitting group that meets monthly and also an art school that does day classes, so I am going to try and go to both. By doing things I enjoy I might be able to meet like minded people and to start building a few more friendships. I tried to find a book club where I have moved to and can't find one so I might put an ad in the local library to see if any other people are interested in setting a local one up.
The more I hide and stay away from people, the more lonely I am going to feel. My children are older now and I need to think of me more. I need to trust again and to let others be there for me sometimes. This is a big shift in my thinking and in some ways is more positive than I've been for ages. Maybe you do have to reach rock bottom before you can find a way back up again?