Tuesday, 17 November 2015
Saturday, 14 November 2015
Zopiclone
I took a zopiclone before I went to bed last night and fell asleep very quickly. However I woke up just after 4am in a mess. My bed was wet and I was shaking. Usually I get up and go to have a shower but last night I just couldn't ground myself. I couldn't move and the nightmare continued to rage in my head. It was like I couldn't wake up.
So I'm in a dilemma tonight - do I take another one or not? I did eventually get sorted and back to sleep where I managed to sleep until 10am. However despite the sleep I have felt foggy all day, almost like I have been out for a night on the tiles. There was so much I wanted to do today but I've struggled to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if taking the tablet is worth it. I'm not sure if it has a cumulative affect and if I will feel worse tomorrow.
It is just not clear on the literature that came with the medication. I know people that have taken zopiclone for years and I really don't know how they do it. I think I'm just not prepared to feel crap the next day and to struggle with my nightmare - I guess it is just not worth it for a few hours more sleep.
So I'm in a dilemma tonight - do I take another one or not? I did eventually get sorted and back to sleep where I managed to sleep until 10am. However despite the sleep I have felt foggy all day, almost like I have been out for a night on the tiles. There was so much I wanted to do today but I've struggled to do anything. I'm beginning to wonder if taking the tablet is worth it. I'm not sure if it has a cumulative affect and if I will feel worse tomorrow.
It is just not clear on the literature that came with the medication. I know people that have taken zopiclone for years and I really don't know how they do it. I think I'm just not prepared to feel crap the next day and to struggle with my nightmare - I guess it is just not worth it for a few hours more sleep.
Tuesday, 10 November 2015
Day off work
It was my birthday yesterday and I couldn't book the day off work as I had something in my diary that I couldn't miss so I thought I would have a day off today instead.
I had a lovely day yesterday and was spoilt by friends and family. I went out for a lovely meal with my son and daughter to a new restaurant.
However as usual the night was really hard and I spent a long time curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm fed up of changing my bloody bed and washing sheets and quilt covers. I'm fed up of feeling dirty so deep inside that I can't scrub it clean.
This morning I hoped I could have a lie in and had arranged to visit a good friend but the builders up the road started banging really early and suddenly I was agitated and unsettled.
I took my dogs for a walk to try to calm down and refocus but just had a horrible feeling that there was someone behind me, even though I knew there wasn't.
So in the middle of the day I ended up curled up crying on the bathroom floor and had to take a lorazepam to try to calm down.
So my day off just ended up being one of those days where I bounce from hyper vigilance to agitation and struggle to stay safe.
Think work might be the best distraction after all.
I had a lovely day yesterday and was spoilt by friends and family. I went out for a lovely meal with my son and daughter to a new restaurant.
However as usual the night was really hard and I spent a long time curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm fed up of changing my bloody bed and washing sheets and quilt covers. I'm fed up of feeling dirty so deep inside that I can't scrub it clean.
This morning I hoped I could have a lie in and had arranged to visit a good friend but the builders up the road started banging really early and suddenly I was agitated and unsettled.
I took my dogs for a walk to try to calm down and refocus but just had a horrible feeling that there was someone behind me, even though I knew there wasn't.
So in the middle of the day I ended up curled up crying on the bathroom floor and had to take a lorazepam to try to calm down.
So my day off just ended up being one of those days where I bounce from hyper vigilance to agitation and struggle to stay safe.
Think work might be the best distraction after all.
Saturday, 7 November 2015
How I got through today
Woke up this morning and felt really agitated and unsettled. Just had a horrible ache in the pit of my stomach and my head was everywhere. I knew today was going to be a long day and I was going to struggle to stay safe.
I don't do distraction very well. I knew I could ring the crisis team but what was the point. They would tell me to go for a walk, have a bath, bake a cake etc. and today didn't feel like a day I could do any of those things.
Sometimes I just need time to stay still and hold me and I don't need to fight against it.
I decided to just have a lazy day and to go with how I was feeling and if I needed to cry or rant and rave then so be it.
I stayed in bed longer than normal and listened to my playlist on my IPad. It was good to relax and not have to think about rushing about anywhere.
When I did get up I just ate what I fancied and ended up eating junk most of the day but it didn't really matter. I curled up on the settee and watched a film this afternoon - don't even remember what it was but it kept me going all afternoon.
I cleared my daughter's bedroom this evening as I'm going to decorate it over the next few weeks.
So giving in when I felt like doing nothing didnt hurt and I managed to get through the day and be kinder to myself. Maybe I should do that more often.
Back to bed now and hope it is not a bad night.
I don't do distraction very well. I knew I could ring the crisis team but what was the point. They would tell me to go for a walk, have a bath, bake a cake etc. and today didn't feel like a day I could do any of those things.
Sometimes I just need time to stay still and hold me and I don't need to fight against it.
I decided to just have a lazy day and to go with how I was feeling and if I needed to cry or rant and rave then so be it.
I stayed in bed longer than normal and listened to my playlist on my IPad. It was good to relax and not have to think about rushing about anywhere.
When I did get up I just ate what I fancied and ended up eating junk most of the day but it didn't really matter. I curled up on the settee and watched a film this afternoon - don't even remember what it was but it kept me going all afternoon.
I cleared my daughter's bedroom this evening as I'm going to decorate it over the next few weeks.
So giving in when I felt like doing nothing didnt hurt and I managed to get through the day and be kinder to myself. Maybe I should do that more often.
Back to bed now and hope it is not a bad night.
Friday, 6 November 2015
In-Patient therapy
Yesterday my MHT had a meeting with my trauma therapist and GP - they decided that a referral to an in-patient unit that specialises in trauma would be a way forward.
I knew about the meeting and the prospect of this referral but when it was actually a reality then it is pretty scary. I work full time and am pretty independent and the thought of in-patient care scares me a bit.
I decided to look further at the place that has been mentioned - The Retreat at York and read through parts of the website. It seems that the therapy on offer is a kind of therapeutic community only for women. The length of stay typically is 8 months and there is a strict structure to the week. You are not allowed to drive at all when you are part of the program and you have to stay there and be locked in at 9.30pm every night.
Part of me knows that I need help and the therapy on offer here sounds completely relevant to my needs and would really challenge my disassociation, self harm and eating disorders. However, I'm not sure it would meet my need around my nightmares and I wonder how I would cope at night. There is a zero tolerance policy on self harm etc. and most of mine happens when I disassociate in the middle of the night. How would they keep me safe?
I guess I won't know unless I ask, keep an open mind and engage.
The next step is for my trauma therapist and CPN to meet with me to discuss what I could get out of this referral and how committed I am to it and then they still have to apply to the CCG for funding.
Nothing will happen probably until next year, so I have some time to get used to the idea.
I had some upsetting news yesterday in that my psychiatrist left today. Although our last meeting was not good, he has been my psychiatrist for years and he understood me well. He never labeled me and always stayed out of the chaos my life brings. He also understood my reluctance to use medication long term and had the same views. Apparently I have a new female psychiatrist who has a background of psychotherapy. I don't have an appointment to see her yet.
At least something is being done to offer further support and I haven't just been written off.
I knew about the meeting and the prospect of this referral but when it was actually a reality then it is pretty scary. I work full time and am pretty independent and the thought of in-patient care scares me a bit.
I decided to look further at the place that has been mentioned - The Retreat at York and read through parts of the website. It seems that the therapy on offer is a kind of therapeutic community only for women. The length of stay typically is 8 months and there is a strict structure to the week. You are not allowed to drive at all when you are part of the program and you have to stay there and be locked in at 9.30pm every night.
Part of me knows that I need help and the therapy on offer here sounds completely relevant to my needs and would really challenge my disassociation, self harm and eating disorders. However, I'm not sure it would meet my need around my nightmares and I wonder how I would cope at night. There is a zero tolerance policy on self harm etc. and most of mine happens when I disassociate in the middle of the night. How would they keep me safe?
I guess I won't know unless I ask, keep an open mind and engage.
The next step is for my trauma therapist and CPN to meet with me to discuss what I could get out of this referral and how committed I am to it and then they still have to apply to the CCG for funding.
Nothing will happen probably until next year, so I have some time to get used to the idea.
I had some upsetting news yesterday in that my psychiatrist left today. Although our last meeting was not good, he has been my psychiatrist for years and he understood me well. He never labeled me and always stayed out of the chaos my life brings. He also understood my reluctance to use medication long term and had the same views. Apparently I have a new female psychiatrist who has a background of psychotherapy. I don't have an appointment to see her yet.
At least something is being done to offer further support and I haven't just been written off.
Wednesday, 4 November 2015
No sleep again
It's 2am and I'm struggling. Just wish I could sleep. Really want to curl up and die, I can't do this anymore. I'm agitated and unsettled and struggling to stay safe. There is mischief in my head, pills to take, cuts to make etc etc
At times like this life is hard and worthless
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)