Yesterday my MHT had a meeting with my trauma therapist and GP - they decided that a referral to an in-patient unit that specialises in trauma would be a way forward.
I knew about the meeting and the prospect of this referral but when it was actually a reality then it is pretty scary. I work full time and am pretty independent and the thought of in-patient care scares me a bit.
I decided to look further at the place that has been mentioned - The Retreat at York and read through parts of the website. It seems that the therapy on offer is a kind of therapeutic community only for women. The length of stay typically is 8 months and there is a strict structure to the week. You are not allowed to drive at all when you are part of the program and you have to stay there and be locked in at 9.30pm every night.
Part of me knows that I need help and the therapy on offer here sounds completely relevant to my needs and would really challenge my disassociation, self harm and eating disorders. However, I'm not sure it would meet my need around my nightmares and I wonder how I would cope at night. There is a zero tolerance policy on self harm etc. and most of mine happens when I disassociate in the middle of the night. How would they keep me safe?
I guess I won't know unless I ask, keep an open mind and engage.
The next step is for my trauma therapist and CPN to meet with me to discuss what I could get out of this referral and how committed I am to it and then they still have to apply to the CCG for funding.
Nothing will happen probably until next year, so I have some time to get used to the idea.
I had some upsetting news yesterday in that my psychiatrist left today. Although our last meeting was not good, he has been my psychiatrist for years and he understood me well. He never labeled me and always stayed out of the chaos my life brings. He also understood my reluctance to use medication long term and had the same views. Apparently I have a new female psychiatrist who has a background of psychotherapy. I don't have an appointment to see her yet.
At least something is being done to offer further support and I haven't just been written off.