It was my birthday yesterday and I couldn't book the day off work as I had something in my diary that I couldn't miss so I thought I would have a day off today instead.
I had a lovely day yesterday and was spoilt by friends and family. I went out for a lovely meal with my son and daughter to a new restaurant.
However as usual the night was really hard and I spent a long time curled up on the bathroom floor. I'm fed up of changing my bloody bed and washing sheets and quilt covers. I'm fed up of feeling dirty so deep inside that I can't scrub it clean.
This morning I hoped I could have a lie in and had arranged to visit a good friend but the builders up the road started banging really early and suddenly I was agitated and unsettled.
I took my dogs for a walk to try to calm down and refocus but just had a horrible feeling that there was someone behind me, even though I knew there wasn't.
So in the middle of the day I ended up curled up crying on the bathroom floor and had to take a lorazepam to try to calm down.
So my day off just ended up being one of those days where I bounce from hyper vigilance to agitation and struggle to stay safe.
Think work might be the best distraction after all.