Friday, 11 December 2015
Wednesday, 9 December 2015
Ouch!
Double ouch today!!!
Ouch no 1 - I disassociated yesterday and stabbed myself in the stomach. I couldn't face going to A&E so I went to my local GP surgery. A GP stitched me up without giving me any anesthetic and it bloody hurt. I lay there on the bed feeling that I deserved the pain as I had hurt myself. I had 15 stitches and afterwards I just felt so low. I tried to ring the crisis team as I just felt so agitated and unsettled but noone would answer. I rang the DPM at the hospital and luckily someone I know really well answered the phone. She calmed me down and sorted out a prescription of lorazepam to calm me down. She then got my CPN to ring me this morning to check up on me. I wish the crisis team would be as good as that but they are a waste of time.
Ouch no 2 - I went to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time. She blocked me out of her life due to our girls falling out, even though we had been really close and had helped each other through some tough times.She acted like nothing had happened between us and chatted just like old times but I found that I was on edge and guarded. I couldn't be my normal self and was careful what I said and did. When I left I wished her a happy Christmas and she said that she would like to see me before Christmas. I'm just not sure - I felt quite emotional after seeing her and am not sure re-kindling that relationship is a positive move. There is a lot of history there and I want to move on and not back.
I'm seeing my new psych next week which is scary.................
Ouch no 1 - I disassociated yesterday and stabbed myself in the stomach. I couldn't face going to A&E so I went to my local GP surgery. A GP stitched me up without giving me any anesthetic and it bloody hurt. I lay there on the bed feeling that I deserved the pain as I had hurt myself. I had 15 stitches and afterwards I just felt so low. I tried to ring the crisis team as I just felt so agitated and unsettled but noone would answer. I rang the DPM at the hospital and luckily someone I know really well answered the phone. She calmed me down and sorted out a prescription of lorazepam to calm me down. She then got my CPN to ring me this morning to check up on me. I wish the crisis team would be as good as that but they are a waste of time.
Ouch no 2 - I went to see an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time. She blocked me out of her life due to our girls falling out, even though we had been really close and had helped each other through some tough times.She acted like nothing had happened between us and chatted just like old times but I found that I was on edge and guarded. I couldn't be my normal self and was careful what I said and did. When I left I wished her a happy Christmas and she said that she would like to see me before Christmas. I'm just not sure - I felt quite emotional after seeing her and am not sure re-kindling that relationship is a positive move. There is a lot of history there and I want to move on and not back.
I'm seeing my new psych next week which is scary.................
Saturday, 5 December 2015
Christmas Tree trigger
Today I put up my Christmas tree and as usual it has been very triggering. I always say that next year I'm buying a new tree with new ornaments and not going through the emotions connected with old traditions.
However when it came to it I just couldn't do it. My children still like to see their Christmas tree with decorations we have collected over the years.
There are my babies first baubles which were so special when we bought them. I noticed that Adams has lost an eye and Laura's is looking worse for wear. Then there's the home made decorations that they made at nursery and school. I remember them proudly giving them to me, how can I not put them on the tree? We have collected tree decorations from all over the world. Some from America, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Prague, Cyprus etc all of which bring back memories of our time together as a family when the children were growing up. There are baubles from the millennium, the year before our family fell apart and I look at all these and think 'how can it have gone so wrong?' Lots of cherished memories tarnished by the actions of one person.
Then we have the decorations from after 'the event' they just don't seem right to be together, almost like it should be a new beginning. My children love looking at the tree and talking about their special decoration.
So tonight it's gone 2am and I can't sleep. I'm agitated and unsettled. I feel overwhelmed by all the emotions today has brought. Lots of sadness but also the anticipation of another Christmas and time to be together.
By doing what Bruce did he rubbished all my treasured memories. What I thought was special suddenly seems tainted and insignificant. Maybe next year I must get a new tree!
However when it came to it I just couldn't do it. My children still like to see their Christmas tree with decorations we have collected over the years.
There are my babies first baubles which were so special when we bought them. I noticed that Adams has lost an eye and Laura's is looking worse for wear. Then there's the home made decorations that they made at nursery and school. I remember them proudly giving them to me, how can I not put them on the tree? We have collected tree decorations from all over the world. Some from America, Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Prague, Cyprus etc all of which bring back memories of our time together as a family when the children were growing up. There are baubles from the millennium, the year before our family fell apart and I look at all these and think 'how can it have gone so wrong?' Lots of cherished memories tarnished by the actions of one person.
Then we have the decorations from after 'the event' they just don't seem right to be together, almost like it should be a new beginning. My children love looking at the tree and talking about their special decoration.
So tonight it's gone 2am and I can't sleep. I'm agitated and unsettled. I feel overwhelmed by all the emotions today has brought. Lots of sadness but also the anticipation of another Christmas and time to be together.
By doing what Bruce did he rubbished all my treasured memories. What I thought was special suddenly seems tainted and insignificant. Maybe next year I must get a new tree!
Sunday, 29 November 2015
My children
My daughter hurt herself badly and ended up in hospital today. I rushed over to be with her and make sure she was ok. I held her hand and reassured her when she was examined etc. it made me think that I'm so lucky to have children that love and trust me and even when they have left home they still want me to be there for them.
However it also made me realise that when I had my children all those years ago, I didn't plan on bringing them up by myself. I planned on sharing the good and bad times and us all being there for each other. I remember my daughter falling and her Dad carrying her on his shoulders to make sure she was ok. A true family stays together and cares for each other. It's hard work doing it all on my own.
I didn't plan on being the only person buying and planning their Christmas presents, listening to all their worries and giving advice, sorting their problems out if I can or working alongside them to try and sort things if I don't have the answer. I would definitely give them my last rolo but would their Dad? I don't think so and that is sad. I never stopped him from having contact and tried my hardest not to rubbish him but he just didn't love them enough.
I just hope that by having me my children are ok. I love them with all my heart and am so proud of them. They are my world but I make sure they have their own lives and dreams to follow. I will always be here to catch them x
However it also made me realise that when I had my children all those years ago, I didn't plan on bringing them up by myself. I planned on sharing the good and bad times and us all being there for each other. I remember my daughter falling and her Dad carrying her on his shoulders to make sure she was ok. A true family stays together and cares for each other. It's hard work doing it all on my own.
I didn't plan on being the only person buying and planning their Christmas presents, listening to all their worries and giving advice, sorting their problems out if I can or working alongside them to try and sort things if I don't have the answer. I would definitely give them my last rolo but would their Dad? I don't think so and that is sad. I never stopped him from having contact and tried my hardest not to rubbish him but he just didn't love them enough.
I just hope that by having me my children are ok. I love them with all my heart and am so proud of them. They are my world but I make sure they have their own lives and dreams to follow. I will always be here to catch them x
Tuesday, 24 November 2015
Bad night
It's 3.30am and I'm struggling. Woke up in a mess and am now trying to calm down safely without hurting myself.
Had a crap, stressful day and I'm so tired. Am busy decorating my bedroom and it is hard having a mess everywhere but I know it will be worth it in the end. Then BT and Virgin messed me around over my phone and TV package and I've got to install a whole new system tomorrow. Will probably be offline for a year lol!!
Work is stressful and too busy and I'm getting a cold. My nose is like a tap. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow to try to sort out my latest abscess. Not sure if I fancy another operation but if that is what it needs to start healing then so be it. I just wonder if the doc will be judgmental over my self harm as I can't deal with that at the moment. I know how stupid I am and don't need reminding.
My MHT have gone quiet over any in-patient therapy and I'm beginning to think it won''t happen. I've heard it all before and nothing happened. Just wonder how long I have to keep struggling for and if I will ever get to see my new psychaitrist
Had a crap, stressful day and I'm so tired. Am busy decorating my bedroom and it is hard having a mess everywhere but I know it will be worth it in the end. Then BT and Virgin messed me around over my phone and TV package and I've got to install a whole new system tomorrow. Will probably be offline for a year lol!!
Work is stressful and too busy and I'm getting a cold. My nose is like a tap. I have a hospital appointment tomorrow to try to sort out my latest abscess. Not sure if I fancy another operation but if that is what it needs to start healing then so be it. I just wonder if the doc will be judgmental over my self harm as I can't deal with that at the moment. I know how stupid I am and don't need reminding.
My MHT have gone quiet over any in-patient therapy and I'm beginning to think it won''t happen. I've heard it all before and nothing happened. Just wonder how long I have to keep struggling for and if I will ever get to see my new psychaitrist
Saturday, 21 November 2015
Feeling overwhelmed
Had a really busy week at work and looking back I probably tried to pack in too much. I am beyond tired and my head is in a really strange place.
Busy days should mean better nights but it just doesn't work that way for me. Wet beds every night this week has taken it's toll and I've got to the point where I have had enough. I haven't even bothered to ring the crisis team at all this week as there is nothing they can do to change anything.
I was hoping for funding to go forward for me to have some assessments for in-patient therapy but it seems I have to see my new psychiatrist first and she has no appointments. Why even talk about support if it is probably not going to happen for months - how am I supposed to just keep going? If my symptoms are severe enough to need in-patient care what am I supposed to do till then?
Suicidal thoughts go through my head and I am drawn to anything that will go round my neck and I plan how to hang myself in my head. I have had to banish my vacuum cleaner, iron and hair straighteners to the shed so I don't wrap the cords round my neck.
I'm getting through the night by self harming and my wrists are a mess. It's like I just don't care which is not true as I do and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
I'm just too tired
Busy days should mean better nights but it just doesn't work that way for me. Wet beds every night this week has taken it's toll and I've got to the point where I have had enough. I haven't even bothered to ring the crisis team at all this week as there is nothing they can do to change anything.
I was hoping for funding to go forward for me to have some assessments for in-patient therapy but it seems I have to see my new psychiatrist first and she has no appointments. Why even talk about support if it is probably not going to happen for months - how am I supposed to just keep going? If my symptoms are severe enough to need in-patient care what am I supposed to do till then?
Suicidal thoughts go through my head and I am drawn to anything that will go round my neck and I plan how to hang myself in my head. I have had to banish my vacuum cleaner, iron and hair straighteners to the shed so I don't wrap the cords round my neck.
I'm getting through the night by self harming and my wrists are a mess. It's like I just don't care which is not true as I do and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
I'm just too tired
Thursday, 19 November 2015
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