Had a really busy week at work and looking back I probably tried to pack in too much. I am beyond tired and my head is in a really strange place.
Busy days should mean better nights but it just doesn't work that way for me. Wet beds every night this week has taken it's toll and I've got to the point where I have had enough. I haven't even bothered to ring the crisis team at all this week as there is nothing they can do to change anything.
I was hoping for funding to go forward for me to have some assessments for in-patient therapy but it seems I have to see my new psychiatrist first and she has no appointments. Why even talk about support if it is probably not going to happen for months - how am I supposed to just keep going? If my symptoms are severe enough to need in-patient care what am I supposed to do till then?
Suicidal thoughts go through my head and I am drawn to anything that will go round my neck and I plan how to hang myself in my head. I have had to banish my vacuum cleaner, iron and hair straighteners to the shed so I don't wrap the cords round my neck.
I'm getting through the night by self harming and my wrists are a mess. It's like I just don't care which is not true as I do and I don't want to hurt my family and friends.
I'm just too tired