We are trying to work on the nightmares that I have been having, in order to make them less intrusive and less frequent. My therapist thought that it would be good to work on the image of my attacker in order to diminish the impact he has on me. The aim of the session was for me to make his image get smaller and smaller and either fall over an edge or shatter into pieces that I could stamp on and squash with my foot.
As soon as I brought his image to my mind I could hear his voice piercing through me, threatening me and mocking me. His image was vivid and larger than life and he was getting closer. I could not concentrate on my therapists voice and my skin started crawling. I tried to follow his finger with my eyes but different images kept flashing in. I felt so sick and my heart was racing.
My therapist kept telling me to push the image away and in between sessions of eye movement he kept saying "don't let him win" but it was so overpowering.
I just wanted to run and couldn't cope so I said he was moving away and the session ended. Once in the car park I vomited and felt like I was going to pass out. I felt agitated and unsettled and couldn't get his voice out of my head.
Later that night I was too frightened to sleep, I was pacing and my mind was everywhere. Suicidal thoughts dominated my thinking and I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor as that is my safe place.
So what do I do on Wednesday? I want to engage and know that some sessions will be hard but I'm not feeling safe at the moment.
I have thought of a few options:-
- Concentrate on my self esteem
- Work on my thoughts of being dirty, disgusting and a bad person
- Instead of concentrating on the nightmares do visualisation of a safe nights sleep
Not really sure where to go but at least those thoughts are a start. Am seeing my care co-ordinator tomorrow so will see what she thinks.
It's getting darker now, I just hope my night demons stay away tonight.