Crisis over

I think the prazosin is helping and last months crisis is finally over for now. I'm sleeping a lot better although the meds do make me feel a bit groggy in the mornings.
I had a B12 injection last week and already feel like I have more energy. I managed to get loads done in the garden yesterday and am hoping to do some housework today.
I still get moments where I just feel really low and know I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm trying to stay around people and keep busy. I've knitted some lovely cardigans for friends babies that are due soon and it makes me happy to be able to give them to them.
I have an abscess on my wrist from where I cut myself. It finally burst last night and is looking a lot better this morning. I have dressed it and am keeping it clean. I'm trying to not use antibiotics if I can help it. I've had so many recently.
This week I have another trauma therapy session. Last weeks was probably the worse session I have ever had. We tried to tackle some pretty traumatic flashbacks and it just got too much. I was so upset and couldn't breathe. My therapist got me a drink of water and it was obvious that he just didn't know what to do. My skin crawled and I couldn't stay still. I paced up and down his office and cried. Now I feel so stupid! This week I think we need to take it much slower and maybe concentrate on positives. The images in my head just get so loud and vivid and I can't deal with them. The EMDR is supposed to give me a tool to tackle those images but I have learnt that you can't force it and you have to be ready. Smaller steps forward are better sometimes. I'm nervous about this week but know I need to keep going.
So it's back to work tomorrow and hopefully this week will be better

Therapy session

Today I saw my therapist. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks and we hadn't got anything planned for today's session. It was really good to catch up with him and talk through how I am feeling. In the past I have found the sessions where we just talked really frustrating as I'm impatient to move forward and  have never found just talking helpful, however today he really helped me to reflect on what is happening in my life right now.
I explained how I had had a panic attack in a supermarket at the weekend and he explained really clearly what panic attacks are and why they can be so overwhelming. I realised that I'm using the imagery we use in the EMDR sessions much more to help get me through tough times. I tell myself that I'm ok and I can do this and I try to picture the words on a billboard. It is working to calm me down. I am becoming my own therapist and I can do this, I feel much more positive.
Although I'm feeling suicidal at times, I am managing to keep going and put things in place to keep myself safe. I have thrown all my paracetamols away and have put sharp objects in the garage. I know that my children need me and can remember how upset and lost I was when my Mum died and we weren't even very close!
My husband returning is having an impact but I am putting plans in place to minimise that and ave decided to let it go until he actually does return. He has said he is coming back before and hasn't. I am still confused about the strength of feelings I have for him but I think that is because I have never had to face him and those feelings are definitely not love but more of a connection as he is the Father of my children.
I'm going to carry on using positive imagery and self talk and keep telling myself that I can do this. I am strong and I am a survivor. Why fight all these years to just let it all go?
On a less positive note though I have an abscess in my neck and have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to see the ENT consultant. I really hope I don't have to stay in for IV antibiotics. Will cross that bridge when I get there.

Bad night

Yesterday I had another trauma therapy session. I had identified that one of my triggers was around lack of control especially in my nightmare but also around the fact that my husband could just walk back into our lives at any time. I'm frightened that that would take away my safety and he would also take away my children ( which is irrational as they're adults now!)
During the EMDR I was supposed to be focusing on the fact that I am in control but my head was everywhere. I even had images of my Mum after she died. In the end I just burst into tears and sobbed. I felt so ashamed as I don't like others to see me crying. After more than a year this was only the second time my therapist had seen me cry.
He abandoned the EMDR and told me to complete an exercise at home where I have to write down all the things I could do if my husband comes back. Then I have to think about whether that is viable, who it would affect and the long and short term gain.
He then gave me a lecture about how I let my husband affect me and that I won't get any better until I take control. I agree with what he said but probably wasn't in the best place to hear it. I just cried.
I felt unsettled all evening and had a bad night. Thoughts of self harm are so vivid and I even found an old blade. I find my thoughts are bigger than self harming though. I have suicidal plans going round my head and they're getting stronger and more lucid.
I haven't got out of bed this morning yet and I have a tight knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. There is no one I can ring for help as my care coordinator has gone off on long term sick.
I just don't know what to do - do I just try to keep distracted and keep going by myself or do I go for an admission to hospital? Hospital scares me but so does the impulsivity I'm feeling and my total hatred of myself. I really don't care if I live or not but know that I can't hurt my children.
Think I just need to hide my head under the pillow until I feel stronger today and take each hour as it comes. It's going to be a long day.

Trauma Therapy Session

Yesterday I had another session of trauma therapy. I was really anxious after the response I had last week to the session and kind of wanted to run in the opposite direction.
Instead I found myself sat in the therapists chair, mouth dry, sweating and shaking inside.
We decided to use EMDR to reinforce positive statements and imagery, rather than the negative image from last week. I closed my eyes this time and we used hand taps which I found much easier. At first I felt really sick and my heart was racing but I concentrated on the statement that 'I'm safe' and 'nothing will hurt me' I walked around my bedroom noticing the colours in my head and then it was like I was hovering over me sleeping. My safe place is on the beach and suddenly my bed was floating in the sea! All the time I reinforced the statement that I was safe.
After a while the sickness went and I felt really calm.
I went home and just felt so shattered and worn out that I went to bed. I slept soundly for 14 hours which is longer than I have slept for months.
As I go to bed tonight I'm telling myself that I'm ok and I'm safe and I'm going to do some relaxation by going to my safe place in my head - hopefully I will sleep again tonight. I'm really trying to be positive and to say to myself that I can do this.

EMDR

Last weeks session of EMDR was a complete disaster and I need to think of a way to re-establish it without being traumatised again.
We are trying to work on the nightmares that I have been having, in order to make them less intrusive and less frequent. My therapist thought that it would be good to work on the image of my attacker in order to diminish the impact he has on me. The aim of the session was for me to make his image get smaller and smaller and either fall over an edge or shatter into pieces that I could stamp on and squash with my foot.
As soon as I brought his image to my mind I could hear his voice piercing through me, threatening me and mocking me. His image was vivid and larger than life and he was getting closer. I could not concentrate on my therapists voice and my skin started crawling. I tried to follow his finger with my eyes but different images kept flashing in. I felt so sick and my heart was racing.
My therapist kept telling me to push the image away and in between sessions of eye movement he kept saying "don't let him win" but it was so overpowering.
I just wanted to run and couldn't cope so I said he was moving away and the session ended. Once in the car park I vomited and felt like I was going to pass out. I felt agitated and unsettled and couldn't get his voice out of my head.
Later that night I was too frightened to sleep, I was pacing and my mind was everywhere. Suicidal thoughts dominated my thinking and I ended up curled up on the bathroom floor as that is my safe place.
So what do I do on Wednesday? I want to engage and know that some sessions will be hard but I'm not feeling safe at the moment.
I have thought of a few options:-

• Concentrate on my self esteem
• Work on my thoughts of being dirty, disgusting and a bad person
• Instead of concentrating on the nightmares do visualisation of a safe nights sleep

Not really sure where to go but at least those thoughts are a start. Am seeing my care co-ordinator tomorrow so will see what she thinks.

It's getting darker now, I just hope my night demons stay away tonight.

Journey so far

This is my very first attempt at blogging and thought I'd tell you a bit about me and what I hope to achieve through my blog.
My name is Julie and I'm 48 years old. I work full time as an Early Years Specialist Teacher. 13 years ago my husband raped me and abandoned me with 3 young children to go and live in Thailand. Since that time I have been a single mum and my children are now 24, 21 and 17. After my ordeal I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and for a while now have been struggling with horrendous flashbacks and nightmares.
I am currently having trauma therapy which I am finding very challenging. This involves EMDR sessions that recently have left me very unsettled and have made my nightmares more vivid.
I have recently heard that after 13 years my husband is returning to live in the town where I live and that terrifies me. He has not supported me or my family financially or in any other way and I am feeling threatened by his imminent return.
I'm hoping that I can use this blog to track my journey through trauma therapy and EMDR and also to track my emotional turmoil and mental health. I would also like to explore how my mental health affects my family and my working life.

I am a champion for the Time To Change campaign to challenge the stigma of mental health.
At present I am struggling, night times are impossible and I've stopped taking all my medication after a disagreement with my psychiatrist. The night crisis team want me to go into hospital as my self harm has been particularly bad over the past few weeks. I have had 3 visits to A&E to be stitched up.
This week I have an appointment with my care co-ordinator and a session of trauma therapy so I hope I will be able to access some support.