I haven't seen my care co-ordinator for weeks. We made an appointment for 2pm today and I got there nice and early. I waited in the waiting room and different people were coming and going. I am a patient person but by 2.45 I was still waiting and not happy. The waiting room had nothing to read except posters and leaflets and the words self harm, rape, suicide, anxiety, depression, relationship breakdown, drugs, bereavement etc leapt out at me. It's like revisiting the place of your worse nightmare. I felt so triggered. Surely soft furnishings and magazines to read would be much better in the waiting room?
Eventually at 3pm she arrived and didn't even apologise for being late - I've obviously got nothing better to do. I managed to tell her about the therapy sessions and how I was feeling. I explained how frightening night times are and how I wasn't coping very well. She wanted to know what I was saying, as in was I asking for help! Duh! We talked about using the crisis team and an admission to hospital to keep me safe. That sounds completely scary but at the same time reassuring as it would be good to not feel so alone at night. However last time I went into hospital I was there for 2 months!
My care co-ordinator rang me when I got home to say that she is away for a few days and will review the situation on Friday. I can use the crisis team out of hours.
So what do I do between now and Friday? I have trauma therapy tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to. I guess I just have to keep going and use all my distraction techniques.
I still feel very alone with it all and want to hide in a corner until I feel stronger.