Sunday, 12 April 2015

Disassociating

Thought I'd got through the night relatively unscathed after having a really distressing nightmare and waking up disorientated in a wet bed. I managed to have a shower, change my bed and do my dressings quite quickly.
I have recollections of holding scissors but nothing more. After speaking to the night crisis team as I felt agitated and unsettled I got up to go to the toilet and was covered in blood. My pyjamas and bed were soaked and I discovered I have stabbed myself in my stomach with the scissors.
The shocking thing is that I don't remember doing it and I feel numb. The pain just isn't there. How can I stab myself and not know about it? I gate it when I disassociate and it is so scary.
One day I am going to really hurt myself and I just feel that no one is listening. I have been asking for a medication review for months and can only get an appointment for 2 weeks time but I have been waiting ages for it.
What have I got to do to myself before someone finally listens? One of these days I will cut too deep or do something really stupid. I'm afraid of what I am capable of and how little control I have over it.
I normally come round after disassociating and find myself in places I can't remember going to or with cuts I don't remember doing but I think tonight I just curled up in bed and that time between disassociating and being aware of my actions wasn't clear. Did I fall asleep?
Now I've got the walk of shame again to go to my GP to get this cut looked at. I just feel so stupid and wish I could stop it and have more control.