Had a really bad night last night and didn't have a lot of sleep. Curled up on the bathroom floor for hours and it was bloody cold.
I had to go for another cystoscopy today and really wasn't looking forward to it. I thought I had to go to have a biopsy as the last test showed an area of abnormality. I was so anxious and sat in the waiting room shaking. When I got into the room it was a foreign, male doctor going to do the procedure and I just fell apart. I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop shaking and felt like I was going to pass out. The doctor was so lovely and explained that they just needed another look in my bladder to check what they had found. They weren't going to do the biopsy today after all. He could see how upset I was and looked at the report from last time. Luckily (well not sure if it is really) he decided that he didn't need to look again and scheduled an operation for a few weeks time to do the biopsy and anything else that needs doing under anesthetic. I suppose I just need to cross that bridge when I get there.
I got back to my car and was so upset. I felt so stupid and pathetic but I just couldn't do it. I felt ashamed that the nurses and doctor saw what a state I was in but they were really supportive. My skin crawled and it took me ages to calm down enough to be able to drive.
Tonight I feel unsettled and agitated. PTSD really does have such an impact on your life and its hard to deal with. Trying hard to stay safe and keep going but days like today make it hard.