Thursday, 1 October 2015

Trying hard not to give up

Kind of given in today and for the first time in a long time I didn't manage to go to work. I had a hard day yesterday after seeing my CPN and writing a crisis plan I just felt really unsettled.
Had the worse night I've had in ages and spent most of it curled up on the bathroom floor just paralyzed with fear. I could hear him, smell him, feel him and my skin crawled. The dim light in the bathroom was just so bright and the house noises loud and intrusive.
The night before I lost it and wrapped the cord from my vacuum cleaner round my neck and tried to trap the cord over the door All that happened was that I ended up with a sore neck and was traumatized by the fact that I'd gone there
This morning I froze in my bedroom I just couldn't go downstairs - in my head I just saw the vacuum cleaner and convinced myself that I was going to kill myself.
Eventually I rang the MHT and my CPN rang me straight back which is not like her - apparently I sounded hysterical on the phone when talking to the receptionist!!!
My CPN (who isn't actually my CPN but that is another story!) managed to calm me down and stayed on the phone while I slowly and tentatively went downstairs. I can remember saying 'I'm not going to kill myself am I?' It is so irrational when I look back but was really distressing at the time
I'm going to stay at home today and tomorrow and try to catch up on sleep. My CPN said I can ring the duty worker later but I don't think I will
I need to get some lorazepam but can't be bothered to talk my way past the receptionists. I am seeing the practice nurse later so am hoping she can help.
I am just so tired again and that makes me not think straight Everything is so overwhelming and yet again I don't feel safe. Cutting my wrists has always been a sign that things are not good but the last time I tried to hang myself I ended up in hospital for 3 months
There is still talk about an in-patient program but I won't know much about it until I see my therapist again