Saturday, 16 November 2013

Dear Bruce

Dear Bruce

This is a letter that I've needed to write for so long but never have.
I remember when we met over 27 years ago. I worked as a bar maid and the first time I saw you my heart skipped a beat, I knew you would be a special person in my life. When you asked me out for a meal I was so happy and after that night we were rarely apart. You simply whisked me off my feet.
We got engaged a year after and then got married and had our amazing son, Adam, so quickly. I remember when we got married and I was first pregnant we had nothing. We lived in the front bedroom of your brothers house. I wasn't worried as I knew we would be ok, we always managed to get ourselves out of trouble.
After buying our first house we went on to have Laura our daughter. You were such a wonderful Dad and I trusted you completely. We lived apart for a year when our children were little and I missed you so much but kept going with the knowledge we would be together again.
I gave up everything for you, my job, my family and friends to go and live in Saudi Arabia. I wanted to be a family again. I needed strength to live there and you weren't always there for me but it was lovely to have time to be a family. We did lots of amazing things and the children loved it. Then I found out that you had had an affair with a maid and chose to forgive you and start again. We decided to have another child.
I was on my own when I had Megan and you didn't see her till she was 12 weeks old. You weren't even at the airport to collect us when we flew out. Adam and Laura were so excited to show you the baby and you weren't there. Then it was adam's 8th birthday party and you were supposed to come home and take us to meet all his friends. I couldn't drive there and was stuck. You were 2 hours late and weren't even bothered that he missed his own party and let his friends down. That should have told me how much you didn't really care about your family.
We came home after 4 years and bought a beautiful house in a lovely village. The children were happy and settled and doing so well and I had a good job in a school. We were happy or so I thought. On our wedding anniversary you took me to Paris for the weekend and we had a wonderful time but the week after I came home from work and you had gone. I knew you had gone to Thailand and was hurt and confused that you couldn't even tell me. Our children were 11, 8 and 4 and missed you so much. You came home at Christmas for a family Christmas and I let you just come home like nothing had happened. I needed to sort out what you were doing and what your plans were. It was so hard on my own working full time and having 3 busy children.
You wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't discuss what your plans were and couldn't answer my questions. It was so frustrating. The last night you were home I went out to give you some time with the children. When I came home I went to bed and could hear you pacing up and down downstairs. Your bags were packed and you were going in the early hours of the morning. I heard your footsteps coming up the stairs and on the floor boards and then you came into my room. I could feel your anger and smell your sweat and suddenly I was frightened, not for me but for our children. Please don't wake up. I knew you wanted to hurt me. You raped me and left me bleeding as you casually had a shower and walked out of the house to get in your taxi. I daren't move, I didn't want to remind you that I was there. I held my breath until I heard you driving off. Then I scrubbed and scrubbed myself clean and curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, numb.
I had to keep going for my children. They cried and they missed you. They didn't understand. I knew you wouldn't come back and had to try and keep going for them.
Fast forward 12 years and I just can't cope. I've been strong and my children are doing well. Only Megan to go to university now and the other two have good graduate jobs. Now I don't need to be as strong for them I find it so hard to keep my head up. I relive that night often and still spend hours curled up on the bathroom floor. It's like you rape me over and over again.
I don't know what I did to deserve to be violated and abandoned. You have never told me why and what I did wrong to make you hate me so much. I must be a horrible person.
You have hurt our children and they are confused. Sometimes they even blame themselves for you going. We were your family and we loved you but all that we got back was hurt and pain.
How do you live with yourself?

Julie