Dear Bruce

Dear Bruce

This is a letter that I've needed to write for so long but never have.
I remember when we met over 27 years ago. I worked as a bar maid and the first time I saw you my heart skipped a beat, I knew you would be a special person in my life. When you asked me out for a meal I was so happy and after that night we were rarely apart. You simply whisked me off my feet.
We got engaged a year after and then got married and had our amazing son, Adam, so quickly. I remember when we got married and I was first pregnant we had nothing. We lived in the front bedroom of your brothers house. I wasn't worried as I knew we would be ok, we always managed to get ourselves out of trouble.
After buying our first house we went on to have Laura our daughter. You were such a wonderful Dad and I trusted you completely. We lived apart for a year when our children were little and I missed you so much but kept going with the knowledge we would be together again.
I gave up everything for you, my job, my family and friends to go and live in Saudi Arabia. I wanted to be a family again. I needed strength to live there and you weren't always there for me but it was lovely to have time to be a family. We did lots of amazing things and the children loved it. Then I found out that you had had an affair with a maid and chose to forgive you and start again. We decided to have another child.
I was on my own when I had Megan and you didn't see her till she was 12 weeks old. You weren't even at the airport to collect us when we flew out. Adam and Laura were so excited to show you the baby and you weren't there. Then it was adam's 8th birthday party and you were supposed to come home and take us to meet all his friends. I couldn't drive there and was stuck. You were 2 hours late and weren't even bothered that he missed his own party and let his friends down. That should have told me how much you didn't really care about your family.
We came home after 4 years and bought a beautiful house in a lovely village. The children were happy and settled and doing so well and I had a good job in a school. We were happy or so I thought. On our wedding anniversary you took me to Paris for the weekend and we had a wonderful time but the week after I came home from work and you had gone. I knew you had gone to Thailand and was hurt and confused that you couldn't even tell me. Our children were 11, 8 and 4 and missed you so much. You came home at Christmas for a family Christmas and I let you just come home like nothing had happened. I needed to sort out what you were doing and what your plans were. It was so hard on my own working full time and having 3 busy children.
You wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't discuss what your plans were and couldn't answer my questions. It was so frustrating. The last night you were home I went out to give you some time with the children. When I came home I went to bed and could hear you pacing up and down downstairs. Your bags were packed and you were going in the early hours of the morning. I heard your footsteps coming up the stairs and on the floor boards and then you came into my room. I could feel your anger and smell your sweat and suddenly I was frightened, not for me but for our children. Please don't wake up. I knew you wanted to hurt me. You raped me and left me bleeding as you casually had a shower and walked out of the house to get in your taxi. I daren't move, I didn't want to remind you that I was there. I held my breath until I heard you driving off. Then I scrubbed and scrubbed myself clean and curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor, numb.
I had to keep going for my children. They cried and they missed you. They didn't understand. I knew you wouldn't come back and had to try and keep going for them.
Fast forward 12 years and I just can't cope. I've been strong and my children are doing well. Only Megan to go to university now and the other two have good graduate jobs. Now I don't need to be as strong for them I find it so hard to keep my head up. I relive that night often and still spend hours curled up on the bathroom floor. It's like you rape me over and over again.
I don't know what I did to deserve to be violated and abandoned. You have never told me why and what I did wrong to make you hate me so much. I must be a horrible person.
You have hurt our children and they are confused. Sometimes they even blame themselves for you going. We were your family and we loved you but all that we got back was hurt and pain.
How do you live with yourself?

Julie

Feeling numb

Struggling a bit right now. I had an appointment yesterday at the Topaz Centre which is attached to a police station. If my husband does come back I wanted to know more about the process of making a statement to the police and getting an injunction to stop him coming near to me.
I feel really unsure about writing or doing a video interview about the rape. I needed to know how specific I needed to be and it seems that I would need to go through it minute by minute - what he did etc. That is so scary and so triggering. It was 12 years ago.
I was told that I would have to be sure and would not be able to say that some details might have been changed by the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. Also the defence would go through my medical records etc with a fine tooth comb and they would try to discredit me.It might not get as far as the crime prosecution service or go to court. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I would go to pieces if they didn't believe me or charge him. I have so much to lose. I don't thinking it is worth putting myself through all that but will wait and see what he does when he finally returns. At least I know more about the process and they said that they could help me.
Last night I just went to pieces and my nightmare was so vivid and loud. Fiona from the crisis team helped to calm me down but it took hours to get back to sleep and it was my first day back at work today. I am so tired. I'm so good at hiding how I am feeling and keeping smiling when inside I'm so numb.
I just hope tonight is better.

Nightmare :-(

I kind of knew tonight would be a bad night. I've felt unsettled all day.
I feel so dirty and disgusting, my skin is crawling and I just need it to stop. The same old nightmare, he has his hands around my neck, his body slamming into mine. I can hear those words over and over "no one will want you now" My head is screaming for him to get out, to stop but I'm frozen and heavy.
Then it's over, I'm awake, crying and shaking. My bed is wet and I can still smell him and hear him. Where am I? I'm disorientated and frightened and my first urge is to run and hide.
Instead I curl up on the bathroom floor, I need to calm down. I try to tell myself that I'm safe and I can do this. He is not here and it won't happen again. I scrub myself clean in the shower but the dirt and shame stays with me.
I still have my bed to clean. I just can't face it tonight. I can't cope like this anymore, it's crap. I'm trying my best to move on and be strong but my nightmare pulls me back and reminds me of how pathetic I really am. I let him in my home and I asked for what I got. I'm stupid.
I need to try and get back to bed. Is he still lurking in my dreams? Will I ever be rid of him?
It's like it happens again and the pain is just as raw. I can't really explain how devastating it is to relive my worse nightmare over and over.
Medication won't help but to be calm and able to sleep right now would be so good.
Better change my bed and try again - I must tell myself that I can do this and really believe that I can. Without hope, what is there left?

Journey so far

This is my very first attempt at blogging and thought I'd tell you a bit about me and what I hope to achieve through my blog.
My name is Julie and I'm 48 years old. I work full time as an Early Years Specialist Teacher. 13 years ago my husband raped me and abandoned me with 3 young children to go and live in Thailand. Since that time I have been a single mum and my children are now 24, 21 and 17. After my ordeal I have been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and for a while now have been struggling with horrendous flashbacks and nightmares.
I am currently having trauma therapy which I am finding very challenging. This involves EMDR sessions that recently have left me very unsettled and have made my nightmares more vivid.
I have recently heard that after 13 years my husband is returning to live in the town where I live and that terrifies me. He has not supported me or my family financially or in any other way and I am feeling threatened by his imminent return.
I'm hoping that I can use this blog to track my journey through trauma therapy and EMDR and also to track my emotional turmoil and mental health. I would also like to explore how my mental health affects my family and my working life.

I am a champion for the Time To Change campaign to challenge the stigma of mental health.
At present I am struggling, night times are impossible and I've stopped taking all my medication after a disagreement with my psychiatrist. The night crisis team want me to go into hospital as my self harm has been particularly bad over the past few weeks. I have had 3 visits to A&E to be stitched up.
This week I have an appointment with my care co-ordinator and a session of trauma therapy so I hope I will be able to access some support.