Nightmares

It's night time again and as usual I'm getting anxious about going to bed. I'm not sure what the trigger has been but my nightmares recently have been really loud and really vivid.
I had hoped that the prazosin was going to help more with my nightmares and stop them being so bad. I'm seeing my psychiatrist next week and I'm going to see if I can up the dose to see if that has any positive impact
I'm definately not having as many wet beds and that is helping but the content of my nightmares still has such a lasting impact on me. My CPTSD goes into overdrive and stays with me during the day. Simple smells and everyday sounds trigger images and negative thought patterns and they are hard to shift.
It's getting me down and I'm trying hard not to let anyone notice but I wonder if I'm heading for a fall. There are times during the day when I can't breathe and I just feel panic. Holding my head up and soldiering on is what I do but I'm not sure it helps. Maybe I should be more open to let people help me but I hate it when I'm let down or I feel judged
Someone told me to write down my nightmare in as much detail as I can but I'm confused as to how that will help.
I hate my nightmares and I hate nights.

Sleeping sickness

Nights have continued to be a problem. Rang the crisis team a few nights ago only to be told to read a book - I just wanted to laugh 'that's where I've gone wrong all these years' I don't keep a book on the bathroom floor to read when I'm in a mess. As if - it just made me feel stupid and pathetic
I won't be ringing for help again any time soon.
I have a water infection and am in a lot of pain. I saw my GP today and she gave me some antibiotics. When I got home I went upstairs at 10am and my daughter woke me up at 5pm. I was fast asleep. I feel a lot stronger after sleeping, so I obviously needed it but had hoped to sort my garden out today. It can wait till tomorrow.
My daughter has just announced that she is leaving home and that is sad but I'm glad that she is getting on with her life and is happy. I need to try to get on with my life. I was supposed to go to knitting club today and I know I would have enjoyed it but finding the thought of meeting people in a pub a bit hard. I know once I go I will be fine but it just seems one step too far right now.
It's late and I need to go to bed - feel sick at the thought of it. Not feeling very strong to deal with nightmares right now and keeping myself safe is doing my head in. I just want to be normal

Bad night = Bad day

The sun is shining and that is supposed to make you feel happy and alive but I am just so tired that I don't know what to do with myself.
I spent 2 hours stuck in the bathroom last night - everything was so loud and so bright. I could hear him, smell him and the pictures in my head flicked from eerie shadows to clear images - his menacing face mocking me.
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. Just stuck there in the middle of the night. I could smell the urine as I wet myself and could do nothing to stop it.
Coming round in such a mess on the bathroom floor is just so hard. It makes me feel dirty and disgusting, weak and pathetic. All I can do is to try to make sense of it and to ground myself which is just not easy when senses are taking over.
I didn't get back to sleep at all and still got up at 8 and went to work. A day full of meetings has taken its toll and I'm exhausted but scared to go to bed. How will I cope if the same happens again tonight? As the sun fades I'm feeling lower and lower - dreading the inevitable nightmare
I'm on my own tonight and feeling overwhelmed.

Maybe this weekend?

I have to face the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling suicidal. Plans are going round and round in my head and I go over and over them.
I know that my children love me and they would be completely lost without me but I just can't shake off the belief that I would be better off dead.
The struggle and the pain just gets worse and nighttime nightmares are sneaking into daytime panics more and more. I've been getting stuck in my car most days and it it hard. Today I just lost it in my car and wet myself. It just felt like the end of the world and I wanted to curl up and die.
I am just finding it harder and harder to feel connected and I am numb and lost.
Today I saw my psychiatrist today and he wants me to stay on my medication even though I'm struggling more in the day and my self harm is out of control. He did agree to me finally having a CPN and I really like her so hopefully things should be better. /I have got to ring my GP and get them to agree to a crisis plan so I can get help when I need it without having to get through the receptionists.
Have just gor to try and keep going.

Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

Crisis House

Have been in a crisis house for the past 5 nights. I'm just not coping very well at all. Nightmares are impossible and my self harm is bad. Yesterday I got out onto the road at 7am in my pyjamas which was really scary. So tonight they have locked me in!

It scares me when I disassociate and don't know where I am. My skin crawls and the images are so vivid and in my face. 

I've finally got my new meds prazosin but can't start taking them properly till next week as my blood pressure is low. It's so frustrating.

Back home tomorrow which will be nice 

Bad nights

Saw my new cpn today and we talked about how much I am struggling.
I've been taking lorazepam to calm down when I have woken up at night and wondered whether to take it before I go to sleep to see if it makes a difference and stops the nightmares or helps me to sleep longer
Going to take 1mg before I go to sleep tonight and just hope it helps. I only have 7 tablets to last 2 weeks so they are a bit like gold dust!
If this doesn't work then I'm going to ask to see my psychiatrist - I need to do something

Night time help

Had a few bad nights this week. Just been feeling really unsettled and my nightmares are bad. Think the wet beds have got me down as I have 2 abscesses that I need to repack after I've had a shower and sorted my bed out and they are really painful.
I have finally created a safe place in my new house, a wardrobe in my bedroom! I cleared it out and put a soft throw, cushions and a night light in it. Am going to add some sandalwood essential oil to make it smell nice in there. It has helped having an enclosed space to snuggle in and has reminded me of a space I used to hide in when I was little.
I rang the crisis team one night this week. I couldn't breathe and my senses were in overdrive. Jenna stayed on the phone with me for over half an hour and really calmed me down. She was brilliant and I felt so supported. I cried and was really upset. I hate it when I can't cope.
Have 3 hospital appointments this week so maybe I might get some answers as to why I keep getting these abscesses. I hope so.

Bad day

Having a bad day. Woke up this morning and just felt so tired and really low. It is so cold outside and I just couldn't get out of bed. I lay there trying to will myself to get up but just couldn't find the energy or inclination from anywhere.
In the end I gave in and went back to sleep and finally woke up at 3pm. I obviously needed the sleep. Can't really say I feel much better now. Just feel tired and run down.
Night times have been really hard and I've been beating myself up about the fact that I can't shake the nightmares. I still feel dirty and disgusting and my skin crawls.
Thoughts of self harm are never far away and I'm finding it hard to just keep going.
I have so much going on in my life at the moment. My job is changing yet again and that stresses me out. I just get used to working somewhere and then they move me and I have to start all over again. The schools that I work with are not happy and everyone at work is fed up.
My children have all just about left home and I'm on my own a lot which is just not good for me. I keep thinking about going to the gym or a club but I'm just so tired all the time.
I've not been well again and have another abscess that needs packing everyday. It is really sore and I have been taking antibiotics for it.
I am getting the results of blood tests tomorrow so hopefully I can get sorted soon.
I'm just losing so much weight - not a bad thing I know but I've lost over 4 stones in 6 months without really trying to. It is a worry.
I'm still not taking any meds but have read about a new drug for nightmares called prazosin but my psychiatrist won't give it to me and it is really frustrating. He told me to write to him about it and he will have a look but I'm not seeing him till April!
So all in all life is as crap as ever

So tired

Really tired and fed up tonight. Not sleeping very well at all as nightmares are back so strongly. My skin crawls and I feel really dirty all the time. Can't believe I'm back in this crap place again.
No matter how hard I try and how much I try to keep my head up I can't stop the free fall when I'm struggling. It overwhelms me.
I haven't got any meds anymore and I'm beginning to wonder if that is a good idea. I hate how they make me feel but am frightened in case I get too low and impulsive.
Empty nest syndrome is crap. All my children are getting on with their lives and I'm on my own much more. It makes me think that it would be ok to not be around anymore but I know that is not true. I've just got to find my life again.
I need to find a purpose to keep going and some new friends. Not sure how I do that.
Work is busy and I have an ofsted inspection tomorrow which is stressful but it will be ok
PTSD is hard and it never ends

Nightmare

It's night time again and time to go to bed. Wish I could stay awake all night instead of having nightmares.
Last night I had a nightmare and my bed was wet. I had a shower and curled up on the sofa downstairs. I should have sorted my bed out but I didn't and then it took me ages to be able to go and sort it today. In the cold light of day I feel so dirty and stupid.
I'm just so exhausted and that is not helping at all. My cuts are sore and I feel really low. Suicidal thoughts come into my head all the time and I'm tired of batting them away. I'm scared that one day I will listen to them and do something impulsive.
This is nothing new and I should be stronger.

Crisis Team

I'm so cross with myself that I had to ring the crisis team today. I hate it when I get to a place that I know I'm not safe and I have to talk to someone to stop me doing something really stupid.
I've had 2 really bad nights with nightmares and soiled beds. I just couldn't calm down and could hear his voice so loudly. This morning I went swimming to try and calm down. However I felt just as unsettled after the swim.
Then I tried to go shopping to get some food for tonight as all my children were coming home for a roast dinner. I just froze in the shop. I felt that someone was behind me and could hear him so loudly. I felt sick and thought I was going to pass out.
I had to come home without any food and just cried. I was so angry with myself and picked up some scissors to hurt myself.
Instead of hurting myself I rang the crisis team and they calmed me down and we talked about how I could still provide a meal. Ordering a pizza is ok and not a sign of failure. Sometimes I just can't do it.
So I went to bed and slept I was so tired. When my children came home thy were fine about getting a pizza and we had a lovely night watching the X factor.
I need to learn to not be too hard on myself. I was exhausted and needed sleep and feel much calmer now.

Trying to keep going

This week has been a hard one. I've doubled the sertraline to 100mg but its just not helping. My agitation is worse and I wake to feeling a horrible knot in my stomach, with that terrible feeling of dread. I am forcing myself to keep going but it would be so easy to stay in bed and hide under my duvet.
Nights are so hard and I haven't been coping very well. I've been going off out in my car in the middle of the night, just to get away from the temptation to hurt myself. I curl up on the back seat and just cry. When I am in bed my nightmares are vivid and relentless and I'm tired of having to clean my bedding and sort myself out. Why can't I just be normal and sleep at night?
Work has been hard and the threat of redundancy is hanging over me for the fourth year running. There is only so much I can take. How do I keep smiling and pretending I'm ok?
I spoke to my cpn today and am seeing her next week. I know she can't change anything but it helps to be able to talk things through.
This week I've got to go to a training day on Saturday so I'm only getting one day off and I'm so tired.
I decided that I need to be kind to myself and do something for me, so today I had my eyebrows waxed and threaded - ouch, it hurt! I looked like a red panda. Then I treated myself to a new top and some malt loaf.
Am going to have an early night and try to sleep. I need to stop going off in my car as its cold and not very safe.

Crap night

Had a really bad night last night. Woke up crying and shaking at about 2.30am and just couldn't ground myself. I could hear him and smell him and it just got louder and louder. Even in the shower I could still smell his sweaty body.
I finally rang the night crisis team after a couple of hours on the bathroom floor curled up in a ball. I was in the house on my own and too scared to move. I haven't self harmed for a while and just couldn't trust myself to move. My head was like a washing machine, thoughts whirring round and round.
Glen calmed me down and got me back into the bedroom but I couldn't go near my bed. Instead I curled up on the settee. I would be so lost without the night crisis team. He was so calm and supportive.
Today I feel tearful. I'm trying to keep busy and have been cleaning. I need to keep distracted until my daughters come home later.
I have to tell myself that I can do this.

Personal Independence Payment

I applied for Personal Independence Payment in June and this morning a lady came to see me to gather further information about my claim. She was really nice and I didn't feel rushed but it is so hard telling yet another person how much I struggle and what I go through most days.
When she read my statement back to me I felt so dirty and pathetic. I wish I was stronger and could deal with all this better.
I'm still feeling rough with the new medication and am not sleeping much which is making me exhausted. I haven't had a bad nightmare for a few nights but desperately need a nights sleep.
I went to a support group today and met other people who have suffered trauma. It's good to know that I'm not the only one. My therapist is retiring and is having some time off but I should see him in November. He was talking about looking for a residential retreat that I could go to and that sounds really promising.
Work is going ok but I'm really busy and finding it hard when I'm so tired all the time. I'm going to try and relax this weekend.
I was supposed to go to join a rock choir tonight but I'm too tired and don't really feel like socialising. Maybe I will go next week, I know I need to start going out more but I just find it really hard.

Feeling numb

Struggling a bit right now. I had an appointment yesterday at the Topaz Centre which is attached to a police station. If my husband does come back I wanted to know more about the process of making a statement to the police and getting an injunction to stop him coming near to me.
I feel really unsure about writing or doing a video interview about the rape. I needed to know how specific I needed to be and it seems that I would need to go through it minute by minute - what he did etc. That is so scary and so triggering. It was 12 years ago.
I was told that I would have to be sure and would not be able to say that some details might have been changed by the intensity of my nightmares and flashbacks. Also the defence would go through my medical records etc with a fine tooth comb and they would try to discredit me.It might not get as far as the crime prosecution service or go to court. I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I would go to pieces if they didn't believe me or charge him. I have so much to lose. I don't thinking it is worth putting myself through all that but will wait and see what he does when he finally returns. At least I know more about the process and they said that they could help me.
Last night I just went to pieces and my nightmare was so vivid and loud. Fiona from the crisis team helped to calm me down but it took hours to get back to sleep and it was my first day back at work today. I am so tired. I'm so good at hiding how I am feeling and keeping smiling when inside I'm so numb.
I just hope tonight is better.

Night crisis team

Just spoken to the night crisis team. I really don't know what I would do without them. They listen and acknowledge how I'm feeling. No matter how often I call they don't judge me or make me feel like I shouldn't call them.
I think I would probably have killed myself months ago if it wasn't for this team of people. They know how to calm me down no matter how upset I am or how much I'm struggling.
The difference between them and the day crisis team is that they really try to listen and help me. They stay with me while I try to get out of the bathroom and up off the floor. They talk me through changing my bed and sorting myself out and they give me time and patience.
When I cry, shake and even hurt myself they don't panic but stay outside of the chaos and hold me till I'm calm enough to sort myself out.
They talk to me about my job and my family and try to bring me back into the here and now.
Most of all they encourage me and affirm that I can keep going. I really don't know where I would be without them.
It's so good how they stay with me and break everything down into small achievable steps but don't make me feel stupid when the steps just seem impossible at that moment.
I hope there will be a day soon that I won't need them anymore as I'm sure they must be so fed up of me. I can imagine staff meetings where they talk about the mad Julie that calls in the night and I know I must be so frustrating as it just never seems to change or get better. I'm like a broken record.
I'm so lucky to have Karen, Glen, Dave and Prakash at the end of the phone during the night. They're special people and I appreciate all that they do for me.

Nightmare :-(

I kind of knew tonight would be a bad night. I've felt unsettled all day.
I feel so dirty and disgusting, my skin is crawling and I just need it to stop. The same old nightmare, he has his hands around my neck, his body slamming into mine. I can hear those words over and over "no one will want you now" My head is screaming for him to get out, to stop but I'm frozen and heavy.
Then it's over, I'm awake, crying and shaking. My bed is wet and I can still smell him and hear him. Where am I? I'm disorientated and frightened and my first urge is to run and hide.
Instead I curl up on the bathroom floor, I need to calm down. I try to tell myself that I'm safe and I can do this. He is not here and it won't happen again. I scrub myself clean in the shower but the dirt and shame stays with me.
I still have my bed to clean. I just can't face it tonight. I can't cope like this anymore, it's crap. I'm trying my best to move on and be strong but my nightmare pulls me back and reminds me of how pathetic I really am. I let him in my home and I asked for what I got. I'm stupid.
I need to try and get back to bed. Is he still lurking in my dreams? Will I ever be rid of him?
It's like it happens again and the pain is just as raw. I can't really explain how devastating it is to relive my worse nightmare over and over.
Medication won't help but to be calm and able to sleep right now would be so good.
Better change my bed and try again - I must tell myself that I can do this and really believe that I can. Without hope, what is there left?

Feeling Suicidal

Just doing my homework for my therapist tomorrow. What are the options that I have if my husband comes back? The only one that resounds in my head is to kill myself.
People think that suicide is selfish but I don't think it is. I wouldn't do it for me but for everyone around me that I constantly let down and hurt. It's selfish to just keep going and expect everyone to be there for me and pick up the pieces.
I hurt my children in so any ways. I wasn't good enough for their Dad to want to stay and be a family. Somedays I can hardly get out of bed and I'm often poorly. I don't do enough for them any more. I have no money and can't give them all that they deserve. I'm not a good cook and the house is never clean and tidy. They deserve better. One daughter criticises all that I do, my driving is crap and the things I say aren't right. The other daughter spends all her time with her boyfriend and his family. I don't blame her. My son never phones or comes home - he has his own life now.
I let the people I work with down as I'm always sick or tired. I never see things through properly.
I've managed to push away nearly all of my friends, even the pastor of the church wouldn't come and see me when I asked him to when I was in hospital.
My parents never loved me. How can you love yourself when even your parents hate you?
I let the services that work with me down. I want to say 'I'm better' and have no nightmares etc. I want to never have to ring anyone again but to smile and say I'm strong now. I just wish I could feel strong.
I feel dirty, stupid, fat, ugly, pathetic and a waste of space.
I'm decorating my house room by room and getting rid of all the rubbish in my house. I'm giving my children the things that are precious to me and sorting through my belongings. When my house is clean and I'm organised that will be the time I can die. I don't want people to think i am dirty.
Not long now and I can close my eyes and be at peace.
My life is one big joke and I'm tired.

Feeling low :-(

Story of my life - when do I ever not feel crap?
Feeling sorry for myself today. This year I have had a recurrent neck abscess and its coming back again. My neck is sore and swollen and I feel poorly. I haven't got out of bed yet today and just have no energy.
Camping with my friend went well and we had a laugh. The tent didn't fall down or leak but the camp bed was very uncomfortable. For 2 nights I just dozed in bed, too frightened to sleep incase I had a nightmare. I just thought it would be really frightening to wake up from a nightmare in the small confines of the tent and I would panic. Also I don't really know Nicky that well and didn't want to be embarrassed. The two nights I've been at home since coming home I haven't been able to sleep at all. I think I am just exhausted. At least I have had 4 nights without a nightmare! Seems a bit extreme though and it's making me ill.
Yesterday I volunteered to drive to Birmingham early to take my daughters friend for a job interview. It rained so much that I could hardly see the road. I drove back by myself and tried to give myself a boost by stopping and going to M&S to look for a new outfit. However I couldn't really see anything I liked, I felt really fat and ugly and couldn't really afford anything anyway!
My youngest daughter passed all her AS level exams and is on track to study what she wants to at university. She has a boyfriend and busy social life and I hardly get to see her lately except when she needs money or something.
I've been feeling really suicidal and it seems to be growing. I know my children love me and would be devastated if I killed myself, but they really do have their own lives now and my role has changed so much. I honestly do feel that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I can't think of many people that would come to my funeral or be too bothered that I wasn't around anymore. My husband is supposed to be coming back so it's his turn to have the children.
Whilst I was away I put some flowers at the spot by the beach where we scattered my mum's ashes. It made me think about what I would want them to do with my body. I don't want to be buried as I don't want to rot and be eaten by creepy crawlies but being cremated doesn't really do a lot for me either! I just want to disappear and to finally be at peace. I'm tired of battling to keep going - it's not worth it.
I got an appointment through to see my psychiatrist yesterday and its not until 1st November but I'm not that bothered as he doesn't really help anyway.
I know I need to try and be positive. I need to plan what I'm going to do for the next 2 weeks before I go back to work. I need to plan something to look forward to and work towards but it just seems to be too much of an effort today, so I might as well just stick my head back under the pillow and try to keep going.
I might feel differently tomorrow x