Appointment

Had an appointment with a cpn today. Don't quite know how I feel about it except it seemed a bit surreal.
I have been struggling all week and am exhausted. For some reason I'm struggling with staying at home at night and have been going off in my car to just keep safe. I get so frustrated with myself when I do that and know that its a fight or flight response but don't really know how safe I am out in the dark in my car. However the cpn thought it was acceptable and nothing to worry about!!! She said she knew lots of people that sleep in their car. This kind of confused me as I had hoped we would be able to discuss options to try and keep me at home overnight but now I'm questioning my judgement.
Throughout today I've disassociated quite a lot - it just seems to get worse the more tired I get. I'm losing time and can't remember chunks of what I've done.
My skin crawls more than normal and images are bright and vivid. It's like I'm on high alert which I know is part of my PTSD but doesn't get any easier to handle or accept.
I'm just so tired and wish I could get some sleep. Have considered asking for some zopiclone but don't want to get into junkie mode. Zopiclone makes me feel rubbish anyway.
Have asked to see if the crisis house is still available as a last resort and it is seeing as I behaved myself last time lol!!! I have trauma therapy on thursday so will see how I feel after that.

Disassociating

Don't really remember much about last night. Had a nightmare and a wet bed and despite the sound mat and other barriers I have put in place I still managed to get into the kitchen and pick up a knife.
Luckily I came round. It was cold and I had knocked the dogs drinking water everywhere.
I rang the crisis team in a panic - I feel so sorry for the lady on the other end. She couldn't understand what I was saying but stayed with me and calmed me down. She made me concentrate on my breathing and told me not to talk. We then explored what I could do next and how to stay safe. She made sure I was out of the kitchen.
Today I just feel exhausted and have so much to do but no energy. I need to cut my lawn and maybe the fresh air will do me good. I need to get motivated.
Still have that horrible feeling that I want to curl up and die and I can't shake it. I'm on my own today which isn't good. Need to keep busy and distracted.

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Quetiapine

My psychiatrist decided that I should start taking 25mg of quetiapine at night to help me sleep and maybe stop my nightmares.
I started taking it a week ago and it is a bloody nightmare. I get off to sleep really quickly but am waking up about 4am in an absolute mess. I just can't get myself out of the nightmare. Images stay with me and everything is so bright and vivid. I just can't ground myself and am disassociating.
I stabbed myself badly in the stomach and ended up at A&E where I had to have a CT scan and be stitched up.
During the day I don't feel safe. My head is all over the place. Thoughts of hanging myself are never far away and I'm not eating or looking after myself at all.
I have rang my MHT, the crisis team and seen my GP but they are not listening to how frightened I am and how unsafe I feel.
What do I have to do to get some help?
In reality I know there isn't much they can do. I don't want to be locked up. I need to stay at work but I'm struggling and feeling alone with it all.
Should I stop taking the quetiapine? Should I try to ride it out with hopes it will improve? I just don't know what to do.
I do know that right now I just want to curl up and die.

Disassociating

Thought I'd got through the night relatively unscathed after having a really distressing nightmare and waking up disorientated in a wet bed. I managed to have a shower, change my bed and do my dressings quite quickly.
I have recollections of holding scissors but nothing more. After speaking to the night crisis team as I felt agitated and unsettled I got up to go to the toilet and was covered in blood. My pyjamas and bed were soaked and I discovered I have stabbed myself in my stomach with the scissors.
The shocking thing is that I don't remember doing it and I feel numb. The pain just isn't there. How can I stab myself and not know about it? I gate it when I disassociate and it is so scary.
One day I am going to really hurt myself and I just feel that no one is listening. I have been asking for a medication review for months and can only get an appointment for 2 weeks time but I have been waiting ages for it.
What have I got to do to myself before someone finally listens? One of these days I will cut too deep or do something really stupid. I'm afraid of what I am capable of and how little control I have over it.
I normally come round after disassociating and find myself in places I can't remember going to or with cuts I don't remember doing but I think tonight I just curled up in bed and that time between disassociating and being aware of my actions wasn't clear. Did I fall asleep?
Now I've got the walk of shame again to go to my GP to get this cut looked at. I just feel so stupid and wish I could stop it and have more control.