Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Self harm

It's 3am and I woke up an hour ago after a bad nightmare. My bed is wet and I woke in a real panic. I usually put all my sharp things away but last night sewed up a jumper I am knitting and didn't put the scissors away. Stupid mistake I know
I was so out of it with panic when I woke up that the next thing I know I'm in the bathroom bleeding from a cut on my wrist, scissors in my hand. Now I feel so low and really angry with myself. I know what I have to do to keep safe and keeping scissors in my bedroom is never going to work.
Now the dilemma. Do I go to A&E and have the walk of shame or do I see the nurse in the morning? I just don't think I can handle hospital tonight. I'm not feeling strong enough.
I'm not surprised I am struggling as I had a hard day. I had to have a cystoscopy and when I got there it was a man doing the procedure. My instinct was to run but I know I needed to get it done. After watching a few people go in it was obvious that it was a short procedure of only a few minutes so I decided to grin and bear it. After I just felt so dirty that I went home and scrubbed myself clean.
That is probably why tonight has been so bad. Looks like I will just have to face the self harm shame in the morning.