Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Struggling again

Haven't felt this poorly for a long time. I have a sinus infection that has travelled up to one eye and is really sore, a water infection that suddenly came on today and my abscess seems to have burst yet again.
I had my procedures yesterday and they were just horrible. I was in such a state and felt so embarrassed. The nurses kept telling me it isn't that bad but obviously they didn't know my story and why such an invasive procedure was so hard for me. Afterwards I went into shock and they had to tip the bed to try to raise my blood pressure. I can't really remember much and must have blacked out. I was only aware when I came to with nurses and a doctor around my bed with concerned looks on their faces. Eventually they commented that I had some colour back and my blood pressure improved. Luckily the results were good and I won't have to have the procedure again. They took some biopsies.
Once home I was so sore that I couldn't settle and had a really bad night. I rang the crisis team and left a message but they didn't call me back. Don't really blame them as they must get fed up of me.
Today it was my daughters birthday and we went out for lunch but I just felt ill. She showed me an email that her Dad had sent her and although I should accept it for what it is, a Dad saying Happy Birthday to his daughter it still hurts as he doesn't deserve it. He hasn't supported her in any way for 14 years and only texts on birthdays and at Christmas. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't tell me but at least she felt that she was able to.
Tonight an old friend who hurt me badly has sent me a friend request on Facebook. Dilemma - do I accept it and try to move forward or do I protect myself from more pain. I can't decide but maybe she is trying to reconnect as we have been friends for a long time and our children grew up together - can I move forward and forgive? I'm not sure,
Tonight I can't settle. I still have some pain from yesterday and I have another procedure to endure tomorrow that is going to be painful and invasive. I have to have a cystoscopy and with a water infection it will be difficult and uncomfortable.
I saw a GP today and she was very dismissive. She took a swab from my abscess, dipped my urine and said it had blood in it and was infected but wouldn't give me anything as I am at the hospital. She refused to give me pain relief and I don't really blame her and then I forgot to ask for lorazepam.
Am hoping that writing this will settle me and distract me but I've a feeling that tonight is going to be a long hard night.