Nightmare

It's night time again and time to go to bed. Wish I could stay awake all night instead of having nightmares.
Last night I had a nightmare and my bed was wet. I had a shower and curled up on the sofa downstairs. I should have sorted my bed out but I didn't and then it took me ages to be able to go and sort it today. In the cold light of day I feel so dirty and stupid.
I'm just so exhausted and that is not helping at all. My cuts are sore and I feel really low. Suicidal thoughts come into my head all the time and I'm tired of batting them away. I'm scared that one day I will listen to them and do something impulsive.
This is nothing new and I should be stronger.

Personal Independence Payment

I applied for Personal Independence Payment in June and this morning a lady came to see me to gather further information about my claim. She was really nice and I didn't feel rushed but it is so hard telling yet another person how much I struggle and what I go through most days.
When she read my statement back to me I felt so dirty and pathetic. I wish I was stronger and could deal with all this better.
I'm still feeling rough with the new medication and am not sleeping much which is making me exhausted. I haven't had a bad nightmare for a few nights but desperately need a nights sleep.
I went to a support group today and met other people who have suffered trauma. It's good to know that I'm not the only one. My therapist is retiring and is having some time off but I should see him in November. He was talking about looking for a residential retreat that I could go to and that sounds really promising.
Work is going ok but I'm really busy and finding it hard when I'm so tired all the time. I'm going to try and relax this weekend.
I was supposed to go to join a rock choir tonight but I'm too tired and don't really feel like socialising. Maybe I will go next week, I know I need to start going out more but I just find it really hard.

Feeling Suicidal

Just doing my homework for my therapist tomorrow. What are the options that I have if my husband comes back? The only one that resounds in my head is to kill myself.
People think that suicide is selfish but I don't think it is. I wouldn't do it for me but for everyone around me that I constantly let down and hurt. It's selfish to just keep going and expect everyone to be there for me and pick up the pieces.
I hurt my children in so any ways. I wasn't good enough for their Dad to want to stay and be a family. Somedays I can hardly get out of bed and I'm often poorly. I don't do enough for them any more. I have no money and can't give them all that they deserve. I'm not a good cook and the house is never clean and tidy. They deserve better. One daughter criticises all that I do, my driving is crap and the things I say aren't right. The other daughter spends all her time with her boyfriend and his family. I don't blame her. My son never phones or comes home - he has his own life now.
I let the people I work with down as I'm always sick or tired. I never see things through properly.
I've managed to push away nearly all of my friends, even the pastor of the church wouldn't come and see me when I asked him to when I was in hospital.
My parents never loved me. How can you love yourself when even your parents hate you?
I let the services that work with me down. I want to say 'I'm better' and have no nightmares etc. I want to never have to ring anyone again but to smile and say I'm strong now. I just wish I could feel strong.
I feel dirty, stupid, fat, ugly, pathetic and a waste of space.
I'm decorating my house room by room and getting rid of all the rubbish in my house. I'm giving my children the things that are precious to me and sorting through my belongings. When my house is clean and I'm organised that will be the time I can die. I don't want people to think i am dirty.
Not long now and I can close my eyes and be at peace.
My life is one big joke and I'm tired.