Alone with it all

What a difference less than a day can make. I felt ok this morning and hopeful that things were getting better but tonight I just feel lost and have that horrible knotted up feeling in my stomach. I've taken my meds but for some reason don't want to go to sleep. I just know I won't cope tonight with another nightmare.
I've got a busy day at work tomorrow and in the morning am assessing someone doing a level 3 qualification in Child Care. I just hope she is ok because I don't feel strong enough to tell anyone they have failed. Maybe I should give in and stay off work but then I'm alone with my head and my head is not a good place to be right now. How do I keep my head up and pretend everything is ok? Everything is not ok and there are more times that I just want to curl up and die. I hate feeling like this.
So who do I tell? Where do I go for help before I do something stupid? My MHT just tell me to go for a walk. The crisis team tell me to take another lorazepam. My GP hasn't got a clue and is under the impression that the crisis team will come and see me and make everything better. My psychiatrist never has any appointments. My therapist can't cope with the fact that I'm not getting any better and my family don't give a shit.
Seems that it's back to good old me. Distractions, distractions, positive self talk, hot baths, drives in the car to the river, watching tele and when all that fails there is always tablets and scissors. Sometimes the emotional pain is just too great

I give up :-(

I'm really struggling at the moment and feel really low. I was supposed to have my first therapy session for months today and really needed it. However when I got there my therapist had gone home as I had been given the wrong time for the session. I was really upset.
It seems that I truly am alone at the moment. I hurt myself badly and ended up at the hospital. The psychiatrist wanted to keep me in and I agreed only to be told that there were no beds so I had to go home. They said someone would be in touch but no one has.
I rang the crisis team at the weekend when I was feeling unsettled and impulsive but was told that no one was available to talk and I wasn't currently open to the crisis team!
I have been ringing my cpn for weeks and she never rings me back.
So it's just me. My self harm is bad, I haven't been able to go to the supermarket for weeks and am missing so much time from work. I have a hole in my side that I have to pack and dress every day but I often use a blade and make it bleed and the hole get bigger. I need the pain to keep me from doing something stupid.
Nights are crap and I'm tired. Really don't know how much longer I can keep going - it's not worth it.

Feeling Suicidal

Just doing my homework for my therapist tomorrow. What are the options that I have if my husband comes back? The only one that resounds in my head is to kill myself.
People think that suicide is selfish but I don't think it is. I wouldn't do it for me but for everyone around me that I constantly let down and hurt. It's selfish to just keep going and expect everyone to be there for me and pick up the pieces.
I hurt my children in so any ways. I wasn't good enough for their Dad to want to stay and be a family. Somedays I can hardly get out of bed and I'm often poorly. I don't do enough for them any more. I have no money and can't give them all that they deserve. I'm not a good cook and the house is never clean and tidy. They deserve better. One daughter criticises all that I do, my driving is crap and the things I say aren't right. The other daughter spends all her time with her boyfriend and his family. I don't blame her. My son never phones or comes home - he has his own life now.
I let the people I work with down as I'm always sick or tired. I never see things through properly.
I've managed to push away nearly all of my friends, even the pastor of the church wouldn't come and see me when I asked him to when I was in hospital.
My parents never loved me. How can you love yourself when even your parents hate you?
I let the services that work with me down. I want to say 'I'm better' and have no nightmares etc. I want to never have to ring anyone again but to smile and say I'm strong now. I just wish I could feel strong.
I feel dirty, stupid, fat, ugly, pathetic and a waste of space.
I'm decorating my house room by room and getting rid of all the rubbish in my house. I'm giving my children the things that are precious to me and sorting through my belongings. When my house is clean and I'm organised that will be the time I can die. I don't want people to think i am dirty.
Not long now and I can close my eyes and be at peace.
My life is one big joke and I'm tired.