Letter I will not send

Been feeling particularly suicidal recently and have contemplated writing goodbye letters to my children. I don't think I have ever felt as bad as this before and am trying to make sense of it. Empty nest syndrome probably does play a part. My children have all left home now and I'm spending more time on my own. It's summer so I'm not at work and I've also not been very well. All in all I'm not surprised that I'm struggling and battling with my head. Suicidal thoughts are painful and intrusive and hit you when you least expect it. It scares me that in a mad moment I might act on the thoughts and I often don't feel safe. All I can do is keep going

There is one letter inside me that I'd love to send and that is to the person that hurt me the most - Bruce. How do I even start to put on paper how much he has hurt me? How can I describe the pain I live with every day, even after all these years? He will not give me a second thought and I know he hasn't a clue of the impact of his actions. I often wonder if he ever thinks of his children. It won't be long and his daughters will be planning weddings - how would he feel seeing someone else walking them down the aisle? In a few years there might be Grandchildren. He will never see them - will he regret that? Or is he just such a cold bastard that it doesn't matter? I have years of my life, the birth of my children, their early childhood etc etc that I can't share with anyone. I look at old photos and wonder if my memories are real. Why am I smiling? Why do we look just like a normal family? Should I have known - were there any signs?

I know it doesn't help to go over these thoughts but I somehow need to make sense of my life. Am I really a bad person? Often I wonder who I am. I push people away and have little confidence. Who would want to spend time with me? There is such a pain deep inside me and I'm tired of trying to hide it. Maybe I need to write these letters and burn them just to get everything inside of me out. Maybe one day I will but they can't be goodbye letters - not yet anyway

Scared

I'm scared tonight - I have mischief in my head and am feeling agitated and impulsive.
I picked up a knife earlier and ran it over my wrist - I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off!
I haven't got any medication to help and know I can ring the crisis team but in reality what does that change? Nothing - there is nothing they can do to help
Better try to get to sleep, I have an important meeting at work tomorrow
Just wish my head would shut up

Got to keep going

Feeling Suicidal

Just doing my homework for my therapist tomorrow. What are the options that I have if my husband comes back? The only one that resounds in my head is to kill myself.
People think that suicide is selfish but I don't think it is. I wouldn't do it for me but for everyone around me that I constantly let down and hurt. It's selfish to just keep going and expect everyone to be there for me and pick up the pieces.
I hurt my children in so any ways. I wasn't good enough for their Dad to want to stay and be a family. Somedays I can hardly get out of bed and I'm often poorly. I don't do enough for them any more. I have no money and can't give them all that they deserve. I'm not a good cook and the house is never clean and tidy. They deserve better. One daughter criticises all that I do, my driving is crap and the things I say aren't right. The other daughter spends all her time with her boyfriend and his family. I don't blame her. My son never phones or comes home - he has his own life now.
I let the people I work with down as I'm always sick or tired. I never see things through properly.
I've managed to push away nearly all of my friends, even the pastor of the church wouldn't come and see me when I asked him to when I was in hospital.
My parents never loved me. How can you love yourself when even your parents hate you?
I let the services that work with me down. I want to say 'I'm better' and have no nightmares etc. I want to never have to ring anyone again but to smile and say I'm strong now. I just wish I could feel strong.
I feel dirty, stupid, fat, ugly, pathetic and a waste of space.
I'm decorating my house room by room and getting rid of all the rubbish in my house. I'm giving my children the things that are precious to me and sorting through my belongings. When my house is clean and I'm organised that will be the time I can die. I don't want people to think i am dirty.
Not long now and I can close my eyes and be at peace.
My life is one big joke and I'm tired.

Feeling low :-(

Story of my life - when do I ever not feel crap?
Feeling sorry for myself today. This year I have had a recurrent neck abscess and its coming back again. My neck is sore and swollen and I feel poorly. I haven't got out of bed yet today and just have no energy.
Camping with my friend went well and we had a laugh. The tent didn't fall down or leak but the camp bed was very uncomfortable. For 2 nights I just dozed in bed, too frightened to sleep incase I had a nightmare. I just thought it would be really frightening to wake up from a nightmare in the small confines of the tent and I would panic. Also I don't really know Nicky that well and didn't want to be embarrassed. The two nights I've been at home since coming home I haven't been able to sleep at all. I think I am just exhausted. At least I have had 4 nights without a nightmare! Seems a bit extreme though and it's making me ill.
Yesterday I volunteered to drive to Birmingham early to take my daughters friend for a job interview. It rained so much that I could hardly see the road. I drove back by myself and tried to give myself a boost by stopping and going to M&S to look for a new outfit. However I couldn't really see anything I liked, I felt really fat and ugly and couldn't really afford anything anyway!
My youngest daughter passed all her AS level exams and is on track to study what she wants to at university. She has a boyfriend and busy social life and I hardly get to see her lately except when she needs money or something.
I've been feeling really suicidal and it seems to be growing. I know my children love me and would be devastated if I killed myself, but they really do have their own lives now and my role has changed so much. I honestly do feel that it would be ok if I wasn't around anymore. I can't think of many people that would come to my funeral or be too bothered that I wasn't around anymore. My husband is supposed to be coming back so it's his turn to have the children.
Whilst I was away I put some flowers at the spot by the beach where we scattered my mum's ashes. It made me think about what I would want them to do with my body. I don't want to be buried as I don't want to rot and be eaten by creepy crawlies but being cremated doesn't really do a lot for me either! I just want to disappear and to finally be at peace. I'm tired of battling to keep going - it's not worth it.
I got an appointment through to see my psychiatrist yesterday and its not until 1st November but I'm not that bothered as he doesn't really help anyway.
I know I need to try and be positive. I need to plan what I'm going to do for the next 2 weeks before I go back to work. I need to plan something to look forward to and work towards but it just seems to be too much of an effort today, so I might as well just stick my head back under the pillow and try to keep going.
I might feel differently tomorrow x

Bad night

Yesterday I had another trauma therapy session. I had identified that one of my triggers was around lack of control especially in my nightmare but also around the fact that my husband could just walk back into our lives at any time. I'm frightened that that would take away my safety and he would also take away my children ( which is irrational as they're adults now!)
During the EMDR I was supposed to be focusing on the fact that I am in control but my head was everywhere. I even had images of my Mum after she died. In the end I just burst into tears and sobbed. I felt so ashamed as I don't like others to see me crying. After more than a year this was only the second time my therapist had seen me cry.
He abandoned the EMDR and told me to complete an exercise at home where I have to write down all the things I could do if my husband comes back. Then I have to think about whether that is viable, who it would affect and the long and short term gain.
He then gave me a lecture about how I let my husband affect me and that I won't get any better until I take control. I agree with what he said but probably wasn't in the best place to hear it. I just cried.
I felt unsettled all evening and had a bad night. Thoughts of self harm are so vivid and I even found an old blade. I find my thoughts are bigger than self harming though. I have suicidal plans going round my head and they're getting stronger and more lucid.
I haven't got out of bed this morning yet and I have a tight knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. There is no one I can ring for help as my care coordinator has gone off on long term sick.
I just don't know what to do - do I just try to keep distracted and keep going by myself or do I go for an admission to hospital? Hospital scares me but so does the impulsivity I'm feeling and my total hatred of myself. I really don't care if I live or not but know that I can't hurt my children.
Think I just need to hide my head under the pillow until I feel stronger today and take each hour as it comes. It's going to be a long day.