Need help!

I'm struggling again. I've tried to ring my cpn 4 times today and the receptionist just says she will ring me back but I know she won't. She will ring me at 4pm on Friday like she always does when I've tried to contact her. I don't ring her very often so she should know that there is something wrong.
It makes me so angry, I don't expect her to drop everything and call me as I know that she is busy and has other patients but when you're struggling you need help and advice sooner rather than later and I wish I could just talk to the duty team and not just her. I get no benefit from having a care co-ordinator.
I spoke to my GP yesterday and she upped my sertraline to 200mg and gave me more lorazepam. She signed me off work for this week which doesn't really help me but I'm not in a good place to be at work. Night times are horrible and I'm struggling to get out of the house. I just shake and cry. I'm frightened of getting stuck in my car again. My GP told me to try and get out a little bit this week starting with short walks but I shake at the door. I really need some help. I'm ashamed to tell my family how I'm struggling and need to get back to work quickly. My life sucks.

Therapy session

Today I saw my therapist. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks and we hadn't got anything planned for today's session. It was really good to catch up with him and talk through how I am feeling. In the past I have found the sessions where we just talked really frustrating as I'm impatient to move forward and  have never found just talking helpful, however today he really helped me to reflect on what is happening in my life right now.
I explained how I had had a panic attack in a supermarket at the weekend and he explained really clearly what panic attacks are and why they can be so overwhelming. I realised that I'm using the imagery we use in the EMDR sessions much more to help get me through tough times. I tell myself that I'm ok and I can do this and I try to picture the words on a billboard. It is working to calm me down. I am becoming my own therapist and I can do this, I feel much more positive.
Although I'm feeling suicidal at times, I am managing to keep going and put things in place to keep myself safe. I have thrown all my paracetamols away and have put sharp objects in the garage. I know that my children need me and can remember how upset and lost I was when my Mum died and we weren't even very close!
My husband returning is having an impact but I am putting plans in place to minimise that and ave decided to let it go until he actually does return. He has said he is coming back before and hasn't. I am still confused about the strength of feelings I have for him but I think that is because I have never had to face him and those feelings are definitely not love but more of a connection as he is the Father of my children.
I'm going to carry on using positive imagery and self talk and keep telling myself that I can do this. I am strong and I am a survivor. Why fight all these years to just let it all go?
On a less positive note though I have an abscess in my neck and have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to see the ENT consultant. I really hope I don't have to stay in for IV antibiotics. Will cross that bridge when I get there.