Trying hard not to give up

Kind of given in today and for the first time in a long time I didn't manage to go to work. I had a hard day yesterday after seeing my CPN and writing a crisis plan I just felt really unsettled.
Had the worse night I've had in ages and spent most of it curled up on the bathroom floor just paralyzed with fear. I could hear him, smell him, feel him and my skin crawled. The dim light in the bathroom was just so bright and the house noises loud and intrusive.
The night before I lost it and wrapped the cord from my vacuum cleaner round my neck and tried to trap the cord over the door All that happened was that I ended up with a sore neck and was traumatized by the fact that I'd gone there
This morning I froze in my bedroom I just couldn't go downstairs - in my head I just saw the vacuum cleaner and convinced myself that I was going to kill myself.
Eventually I rang the MHT and my CPN rang me straight back which is not like her - apparently I sounded hysterical on the phone when talking to the receptionist!!!
My CPN (who isn't actually my CPN but that is another story!) managed to calm me down and stayed on the phone while I slowly and tentatively went downstairs. I can remember saying 'I'm not going to kill myself am I?' It is so irrational when I look back but was really distressing at the time
I'm going to stay at home today and tomorrow and try to catch up on sleep. My CPN said I can ring the duty worker later but I don't think I will
I need to get some lorazepam but can't be bothered to talk my way past the receptionists. I am seeing the practice nurse later so am hoping she can help.
I am just so tired again and that makes me not think straight Everything is so overwhelming and yet again I don't feel safe. Cutting my wrists has always been a sign that things are not good but the last time I tried to hang myself I ended up in hospital for 3 months
There is still talk about an in-patient program but I won't know much about it until I see my therapist again

Appointment

Had an appointment with a cpn today. Don't quite know how I feel about it except it seemed a bit surreal.
I have been struggling all week and am exhausted. For some reason I'm struggling with staying at home at night and have been going off in my car to just keep safe. I get so frustrated with myself when I do that and know that its a fight or flight response but don't really know how safe I am out in the dark in my car. However the cpn thought it was acceptable and nothing to worry about!!! She said she knew lots of people that sleep in their car. This kind of confused me as I had hoped we would be able to discuss options to try and keep me at home overnight but now I'm questioning my judgement.
Throughout today I've disassociated quite a lot - it just seems to get worse the more tired I get. I'm losing time and can't remember chunks of what I've done.
My skin crawls more than normal and images are bright and vivid. It's like I'm on high alert which I know is part of my PTSD but doesn't get any easier to handle or accept.
I'm just so tired and wish I could get some sleep. Have considered asking for some zopiclone but don't want to get into junkie mode. Zopiclone makes me feel rubbish anyway.
Have asked to see if the crisis house is still available as a last resort and it is seeing as I behaved myself last time lol!!! I have trauma therapy on thursday so will see how I feel after that.

Maybe this weekend?

I have to face the fact that I'm really struggling and feeling suicidal. Plans are going round and round in my head and I go over and over them.
I know that my children love me and they would be completely lost without me but I just can't shake off the belief that I would be better off dead.
The struggle and the pain just gets worse and nighttime nightmares are sneaking into daytime panics more and more. I've been getting stuck in my car most days and it it hard. Today I just lost it in my car and wet myself. It just felt like the end of the world and I wanted to curl up and die.
I am just finding it harder and harder to feel connected and I am numb and lost.
Today I saw my psychiatrist today and he wants me to stay on my medication even though I'm struggling more in the day and my self harm is out of control. He did agree to me finally having a CPN and I really like her so hopefully things should be better. /I have got to ring my GP and get them to agree to a crisis plan so I can get help when I need it without having to get through the receptionists.
Have just gor to try and keep going.

Bad week

So this week has been a bad week. On Wednesday night I had a nightmare and disassociated. I ended up in the kitchen somehow and got a knife. I stabbed myself in the chest and came to covered in blood. I cannot remember hurting myself at all which is so scary. I went to A&E and had to have a CT scan and an ECG. Luckily I had not done any serious damage but they kept me in the hospital overnight. I was so frightened and overwhelmed. It brought home that one of these days I'm going to kill myself. I stabbed myself hard enough to go right through the skin and nearly into the abdominal cavity.
After leaving the hospital I saw my trauma therapist. He asked what he could do to help but I just don't know. I feel so lost. He is away for a few weeks but is going to email my psychiatrist and GP to tell them I am struggling.
I saw my cpn and we did a plan for the next week. I have planned in time to ring for support. I now have to put away all my sharp objects overnight into the shed. I have put a mat that plays music when you tread on it in front of my bedroom door to stop me getting out and a wind chime before the kitchen door to maybe make a noise and bring me back into reality.
Today I volunteered again for a race for life. I helped for nearly 7 hours, giving out medals at the finish line, being a course Marshal and marking the course. Everyone seemed very friendly but no one really spoke much and no one thanked me at the end. I've come home and am feeling tired and lonely.
I guess I just have to try and keep going but it's not easy. I'm tired and overwhelmed.

Bad nights

Saw my new cpn today and we talked about how much I am struggling.
I've been taking lorazepam to calm down when I have woken up at night and wondered whether to take it before I go to sleep to see if it makes a difference and stops the nightmares or helps me to sleep longer
Going to take 1mg before I go to sleep tonight and just hope it helps. I only have 7 tablets to last 2 weeks so they are a bit like gold dust!
If this doesn't work then I'm going to ask to see my psychiatrist - I need to do something

Need help!

I'm struggling again. I've tried to ring my cpn 4 times today and the receptionist just says she will ring me back but I know she won't. She will ring me at 4pm on Friday like she always does when I've tried to contact her. I don't ring her very often so she should know that there is something wrong.
It makes me so angry, I don't expect her to drop everything and call me as I know that she is busy and has other patients but when you're struggling you need help and advice sooner rather than later and I wish I could just talk to the duty team and not just her. I get no benefit from having a care co-ordinator.
I spoke to my GP yesterday and she upped my sertraline to 200mg and gave me more lorazepam. She signed me off work for this week which doesn't really help me but I'm not in a good place to be at work. Night times are horrible and I'm struggling to get out of the house. I just shake and cry. I'm frightened of getting stuck in my car again. My GP told me to try and get out a little bit this week starting with short walks but I shake at the door. I really need some help. I'm ashamed to tell my family how I'm struggling and need to get back to work quickly. My life sucks.

CPN again

I finally saw my cpn today. I hadn't seen her for months. The last couple of nights have been particularly bad and I have cut my wrist. I hate it when I lose it so much that I self harm and it makes me feel really frightened. It just seems that I forget all my coping strategies in the night.
After talking to my cpn she said that she will refer me to a distress tolerance course but not until the new year. Not really sure how that will help me right now!
I explained how I've been hearing his voice really loudly at night and sometimes during the day and she said that it is normal after trauma. I find it overwhelming and don't cope very well at all. Sometimes I think I'm going mad when I hear his voice.
Sometimes I feel more unsettled when I've seen someone and talked about how I'm feeling. It makes me feel stupid and pathetic, like I should be stronger. I don't understand why I don't get any better. I try so hard to keep going and I want to be rid of this nightmare.

CPN

Today I was supposed to be seeing my cpn at 12.30. I had altered my work schedule so I could see her and had so much I wanted to talk about. I'm supposed to see her every week but haven't seen her since July. At 12.00 she rang and left a message on my phone saying that she couldn't see me as she had to go. No explanation of where or why or even an apology.
I felt really upset and let down. I've been struggling lately and don't have anyone I can really talk to about it all. It's good to be able to be honest and say out loud how much I'm struggling and how frightened and overwhelmed I feel at times. Sharing my suicidal thoughts and impulses can be a release for me and I know my cpn won't be freaked out but will understand and help me to explore how I'm feeling. I need that to just try and help me keep going and keep my head up.
I went to the hospital this afternoon and saw the consultant about my neck. I have a mass in my neck that has got to be removed fairly quickly. That is scary as I don't really want my neck cutting open or a general anaesthetic. My half term holiday will probably be spent in stupid hospital.
So all in all not a good day, so lets hope it's a better night.

Trying to keep going

This week has been a hard one. I've doubled the sertraline to 100mg but its just not helping. My agitation is worse and I wake to feeling a horrible knot in my stomach, with that terrible feeling of dread. I am forcing myself to keep going but it would be so easy to stay in bed and hide under my duvet.
Nights are so hard and I haven't been coping very well. I've been going off out in my car in the middle of the night, just to get away from the temptation to hurt myself. I curl up on the back seat and just cry. When I am in bed my nightmares are vivid and relentless and I'm tired of having to clean my bedding and sort myself out. Why can't I just be normal and sleep at night?
Work has been hard and the threat of redundancy is hanging over me for the fourth year running. There is only so much I can take. How do I keep smiling and pretending I'm ok?
I spoke to my cpn today and am seeing her next week. I know she can't change anything but it helps to be able to talk things through.
This week I've got to go to a training day on Saturday so I'm only getting one day off and I'm so tired.
I decided that I need to be kind to myself and do something for me, so today I had my eyebrows waxed and threaded - ouch, it hurt! I looked like a red panda. Then I treated myself to a new top and some malt loaf.
Am going to have an early night and try to sleep. I need to stop going off in my car as its cold and not very safe.