Today I saw my therapist. I hadn't seen him for a few weeks and we hadn't got anything planned for today's session. It was really good to catch up with him and talk through how I am feeling. In the past I have found the sessions where we just talked really frustrating as I'm impatient to move forward and have never found just talking helpful, however today he really helped me to reflect on what is happening in my life right now.
I explained how I had had a panic attack in a supermarket at the weekend and he explained really clearly what panic attacks are and why they can be so overwhelming. I realised that I'm using the imagery we use in the EMDR sessions much more to help get me through tough times. I tell myself that I'm ok and I can do this and I try to picture the words on a billboard. It is working to calm me down. I am becoming my own therapist and I can do this, I feel much more positive.
Although I'm feeling suicidal at times, I am managing to keep going and put things in place to keep myself safe. I have thrown all my paracetamols away and have put sharp objects in the garage. I know that my children need me and can remember how upset and lost I was when my Mum died and we weren't even very close!
My husband returning is having an impact but I am putting plans in place to minimise that and ave decided to let it go until he actually does return. He has said he is coming back before and hasn't. I am still confused about the strength of feelings I have for him but I think that is because I have never had to face him and those feelings are definitely not love but more of a connection as he is the Father of my children.
I'm going to carry on using positive imagery and self talk and keep telling myself that I can do this. I am strong and I am a survivor. Why fight all these years to just let it all go?
On a less positive note though I have an abscess in my neck and have to go to the hospital tomorrow morning to see the ENT consultant. I really hope I don't have to stay in for IV antibiotics. Will cross that bridge when I get there.