So much pain

Grrr still in a lot of pain. I wish I could get this abscess sorted. It is waking me up in the night and I'm feeling sooooo tired.
2 people came to see me yesterday which was really nice but I was so tired and hope I wasn't bad company.
I'm trying to open up and let more people in. I'm trying to reach out a bit more and not keep everything locked in but it is not easy. I find it so hard to trust anyone but know that I've got to.
Life can't stay like this and I've got to turn things round.
One step at a time is all I can do at the moment.

My life just gets worse

Having a bad week :-(
Had a really high temp and felt so ill on Monday and ended up in hospital all on my own as usual. When I was moved to a ward the male nurse had to check my obs every hour. He pulled the curtain around my bed and became very over familiar, rubbing my leg and calling me beautiful. It made my skin crawl. He then got my mobile no from my records and started sending me messages saying he wanted to be there for me and meet me when I got out of hospital. I felt so trapped and dirty as I lay in that bed and didn't handle it very well. I should have asked for another nurse and caused a fuss but I just felt so ill
I'm back home now and I did report the nurse. I was given the usual 'we have reported it' feedback but that is not enough. How many other women has he hit on? It makes me angry that people abuse the trust you should have in them
Last night I was in lots of pain and felt really ill. I contacted my surgeon today who just fobbed me off and told me to see my GP or to go back to hospital
I only wanted some advice and I have paid a lot of money for a private operation. I was told I had 2 years after care which is crap
Am moaning so much today but I feel so low and am in pain - life gets worse

Dear Crisis Team

Dear Crisis Team
To the crappy person at the end of the telephone tonight I would really like to scream a few things at you
You didn't listen to me
You didn't calm me down when I needed you to
You didn't follow the crisis plan that I have written especially for times like tonight
You didn't understand that I'm frightened
You didn't help me to plan how I'm going to get through the rest of tonight
You didn't care
You made me feel stupid
You left me feeling overwhelmed and so agitated
The call made me feel worse
My skin crawls
I can feel, smell and hear him and my skin crawls
I just want to curl up and die and I just needed you to stay with me for 5 minutes to calm me down and make me feel like I am not alone
Is that too much to ask?

Me now

More trauma therapy

Had yet another session of trauma therapy today. My therapist has had to move to a different building and I thought nothing of it. However when I got there it just happened to be a building where I went after giving an impact statement to the police which was really traumatic back in 2008

It was so weird - I was suddenly back in that place and just couldn't breathe. A lovely lady that I worked with all those years ago came out to say hello which was very surreal. I have moved on from there and don't want to go back

Am wondering whether to finish the trauma therapy as it's not really helping much now anyway. I need to move forwards

So true

Scared

I'm scared tonight - I have mischief in my head and am feeling agitated and impulsive.
I picked up a knife earlier and ran it over my wrist - I'm like a ticking bomb waiting to go off!
I haven't got any medication to help and know I can ring the crisis team but in reality what does that change? Nothing - there is nothing they can do to help
Better try to get to sleep, I have an important meeting at work tomorrow
Just wish my head would shut up