Today I was supposed to be seeing my cpn at 12.30. I had altered my work schedule so I could see her and had so much I wanted to talk about. I'm supposed to see her every week but haven't seen her since July. At 12.00 she rang and left a message on my phone saying that she couldn't see me as she had to go. No explanation of where or why or even an apology.
I felt really upset and let down. I've been struggling lately and don't have anyone I can really talk to about it all. It's good to be able to be honest and say out loud how much I'm struggling and how frightened and overwhelmed I feel at times. Sharing my suicidal thoughts and impulses can be a release for me and I know my cpn won't be freaked out but will understand and help me to explore how I'm feeling. I need that to just try and help me keep going and keep my head up.
I went to the hospital this afternoon and saw the consultant about my neck. I have a mass in my neck that has got to be removed fairly quickly. That is scary as I don't really want my neck cutting open or a general anaesthetic. My half term holiday will probably be spent in stupid hospital.
So all in all not a good day, so lets hope it's a better night.